Barack Obama's Teleprompter's Blog

A Captive Audience

2011-10-19T02:08:00.000-07:00

Tonight, my captors came over to keep me company. Given that I am essentially an inanimate object, it's not like they need to worry about me running away. I've noticed a lot of people have been trying to get to the bottom of my kidnapping, but I should tell you that I really do think this is all just part of a big misunderstanding.

As Jamie and Lloyd explain it, they misunderstood that when they raised $50 million for Big Guy's campaign that he was going to tank America's economy in order to create a level of populist discontent not seen since the 1927 "Bread Riots" in Berlin and Moscow. Or something like that.

Of course, one can see where such a misunderstanding might occur. I mean, who in their right mind would admit to a plan like that? Then again, if you'd told me four years ago that America's leading financiers and captains of industry would elect a barely one-term U.S. Senator with no previous employment experience beyond politics who travels around talking to a pair of glass window panes on a couple of poles, I'd have said there was a misunderstanding, too.

My guess is that Jamie and Lloyd will grow weary of me and bundle me up and ship me back to 1600 soon enough. But I don't think they'll be sending back the Presidential Seal; it makes a great frisbee and doubles as an ashtray to boot.

Help!

2011-10-18T06:47:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've experienced this. One minute you're sitting in the back of a truck, not a care in the world, waiting to continue your road trip for yet another appearance before adoring fans ... and then your world is turned upside down.

Okay. Maybe that doesn't happen to you; maybe it's only me and Big Guy and Lady Gaga. But that's pretty much been my world for the past four years, and now I fear the end may be near for me. No, not the fact that Big Guy's poll numbers indicate that he couldn't be an imaginary Republican, let alone a living, breathing candidate like Herman Cain.

I've been kidnapped, and if Big Guy thinks he can negotiate with these guys the same way he talks to the terrorists in Lebanon, Afghanistan, Egypt, Somalia, Sudan, Libya, the Philippines, Mexico, Venezuela and the House Republican Conference, he better think twice.

These guys talk a good game. Just last night, after Big Guy announced that he was re-submitting his rejected jobs bill, piece by piece, so that Republicans could understand it, one of my captors said, "Maybe we should send Him back his teleprompter piece by piece."

Frankly, given the lack of any good rhetoric lately from Big Guy, I'm not sure I want to go back. Republicans want to make America "dirtier"? Really? That's the best the speechwriters can come up with? Has Big Guy caught a whiff of what's down at Freedom Plaza near the White House or up on Wall Street? Now, that's dirty.

These guys hosting me seem like a decent bunch of fellows. Lloyd and Jamie usually drop by to chat with me around noon time, asking if I'm comfortable, connecting their Bloomberg terminal feeds to my screens, they say, so they can keep up with current events. Dick stops by later in the afternoon just to check in on me. They all seem perfectly civilized, and they don't seem to want anything. No ransom, no demands, no threats.

It's almost as if they think that just keeping me away from Big Guy is enough. Like somehow their problems will just go away. I don't know why.

Time to Re-Engage

2011-09-23T09:45:00.001-07:00

I guess it's fair to say that between trying to help fix the economy, bring peace to the Middle East and help Michelle lose those "First Year Fifteen" she's been packing around for the past 18 months, I haven't been doing a very good job of keeping up this blog.

Well, after yesterday, that's about to change. First, you probably saw that Big Guy wasn't sticking to the script up in Ohio, where his "I, I, I ..." freelancing made him sound like he just a self-centered politician. And we all know ... well, you get the idea.

Then there was Big Guy's good friend Kim Delaney, who as a favor to the President, said she's attend this big awards ceremony in Philadelphia, and is now blaming my cousin for her, well, how should we put this? Let's just say that perhaps "popped her cork," or "the genie flowed out of the bottle a bit too fast." But blaming it on the teleprompter?

We're getting to that silly season, where I'm going to be out on the road with Big Guy just about every day, and there are bound to be some fun adventures. I'm back and clearer than ever. Why don't you come along for the fun and games?

Line Item, This, Baby ...

2011-02-16T13:05:00.000-08:00

I don't think I've ever met Rep. Steve Womack of Arkansas. But I think I like him.

I mean, how could I not like a guy who wants to line item my costs out of the federal budget? It's this kind of laser-like focus on the nuts and bolts of government that inspired me and Big Guy to get into politics in the first place.

Finally, someone up on Capitol Hill is willing to make the tough choices and admit that I am a critical cog in government's operations.

I can't say that I haven't worked hard for that recognition. I mean, really. Look at the miles I've traveled the amount of time speechifying that I've had to do. The hours spent in the Oval Office scrolling behind closed doors as Big Guy read phone call scripts off my screens with world leaders.

Think about it. You de-fund me, you pretty much shut down the mammoth messaging, communications and policy operation in the White House? Need a speech from Big Guy announcing new federal grants programs to create new government-funded jobs? Nope, no me there. Need a press conference to avoid answering those tough questions about health care reform? Sorry, I'm indisposed.

In fact, you may have missed it, but Bill Burton announced earlier today that he was leaving the White House to start his own consulting firm. That's the reward he gets for being screwed out of the White House press secretary's job to Pretty Boy. In fact, after Representative Womack announced his intention to line item me out, an emergency meeting was held among all the senior staff to figure out a way to keep me "viable" even if my funding is yanked. And the solution: let me join Burton's firm as a consultant, and then I'd be paid by the campaign for my work for Big Guy.

I don't mean to tell tales out of school, but this plan is very similar to the original Iran-Contra plan, only without the freedom fighters, drugs, guns and Mena connections to the Clintons. If a reporter were smart enough or brave enough, he'd start digging into this now. I can see it now... TOTUS-gate. Awesome.

When everything is said and done, Womack may be ridiculed by Democrats for his politically savvy move, but let me tell you, the man is a heck of a lot more cognizant of how this White House operates than most. And I for one, appreciate him.

Rebooting

2010-11-22T14:11:00.001-08:00

Big Guy came into the staff meeting this morning with big news. He said he'd been talking to Toes's brother, Ari, who is a big-wig entertainment lawyer out in Los Angeles, and it got him to thinking. Why can't our White House be more like Hollywood, especially since he's a bigger movie star than most movie stars, Big Guy wondered.

So the logic goes, since the first couple years of our administration hasn't played as well as we would've like, why don't we reboot the whole thing? And who better to re-boot a failed franchise than the guy who everyone in Hollywood uses as an example of how to reboot stuff?

That's right. Big Guy is going to announce that he's appointing Christopher Nolan as his new chief of staff, pending his availability due to his shooting schedule for the next "Dark Knight" film. This, will, of course, mean a darker, grittier White House than the one most folks are familiar with. No more sunny garden shots. And Big Guy is going to have to drop his voice about four octaves, but he's willing to stretch as an actor to get this role just right.

The only person unhappy with Nolan's appointment is Lady M., but that's just because we'll be shooting in hi-def and IMAX, which adds an extra five pounds on to the ten the camera already piles on. And in her case, she fears it'll all be in arms.

Mumbai-bye Baby

2010-11-07T07:52:00.000-08:00

Well. it's been an awful lot of fun here in Mumbai. Big Guy and Lady M just danced and danced and danced, and that was just on the flight over here from Washington. Some of us, who were a little more subdued given the lashings voters gave our team last Tuesday, thought may it was kind of like delayed stress being released. Now, after watching the two of them boogieing down the hallways of Air Force One, I'm wondering if they just don't care and are just happy to be along for the ride ... literally.

Then, when we hit the ground in Mumbai, there was more dancing to be had because of the religious holiday, Diwali. Big Guy knew all about this holiday, not because he's particularly attuned to Hindu customs - Muslims hate the Hindus, or so he says - but because he said he'd been heavily briefed on the issue. Which explains this video link I found on his laptop, and also explains why he didn't get in line at the Diwali potluck at St. Xavier University.

I blame off this confusion, and the bloated cost of this trip, on the lack of a White House chief of staff. I hate to say this, but since Rahm left, things have just been chaos. And the fact that Big Guy just let the IT guy move into Toes's office just shows how crazy things have been around here. I mean, with Pete sitting in there, he never uploads my software upgrades and my screens on this trip have been getting a lot dirtier, what with everyone wanting to touch me given my celebrity status.

The highlight of the trip for Big Guy wasn't really a highlight at all, but it just shows how out of touch he seems to be with what's been going on. Given the amount of development going on in India, global warming is actually viewed as a good thing, particularly since no one wants to tell one of the poorest countries in the world that it's not allowed to build up its economy by polluting the air, water and building stuff as fast as it can. So when a little girl at a development held up a picture she'd drawn of a growing Indian village, he saw a windmill and an eco-friendly town. When reporters looked at it, it was a giant daisycutter taking out trees, and villagers building an office park for outsourcing American jobs.

We'll be headed to New Delhi next, and spend the next few hours rehearsing our big speech there. Unless Big Guy stages a Hindu Halloween on AF1 tonight.

I Have Returned

2010-10-23T10:41:00.001-07:00

With Toes finally flittering off to Chicago for that new job opportunity as Chicago's dog catcher, Big Guy finally had the confidence to pull my screens off the shelf and have me reassembled for today's press conference.

So, what's been going on? Did I miss anything?

I heard there was an election, though nobody around here is talking much about it anymore. The last person who said anything was our national security adviser Jim Jones. A couple weeks ago we were in a staff meeting with Big Guy and talking about the election and Jonesy said, "There's no way the people of Delaware would elect someone who they barely know and with almost no experience. I mean, who the hell gets elected like that? It could just drive the country into a ditch." Big Guy's eyes started to well up and next thing I hear, Jonesy is headed off to spend more time with his family.

I'm looking over today's remarks by Big Guy, and they are actually pretty brief and to the point. Basically, the words, "Be humble ... the American people have spoken ... be humble ... the American people have spoken ... will just scrolling across my screen.

Really, whatever He says isn't that big a deal, since we aren't sticking around to see how it all plays out. Big Guy, Lady M and the rest of us are headed for an exotic spa weekend to India, where he's rented out the entire Taj Mahal Resort for all of us as kind of a morale builder and to take a break from all the golf we've been playing. Big Guy wishes that he could bring a lot of the unemployed Americans with us to boost their spirits, too, but maybe we can send them each a post card so they can experience this trip vicariously through us. Man, I wonder what a hotel that costs us $200 million a day looks like. I hear all the minibars have unicorns that crap candy and rainbows on an hourly basis.

Of course, it isn't going to be all mud baths and papaya facials. He'll be making a speech, too. But unlike just about everything else, we aren't going to be outsourcing this project. There can be no mistakes; it's too important to the people of India. And besides, this Presidential gig isn't going to last forever, and a guy who can read his lines flawlessly off a screen probably has a pretty good future in Bollywood.

Do I Have a Job Offer for You ...

2010-06-03T05:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true. In an effort to complicate matters for Senate Republicans last January, I did offer their Teleprompter a job in Big Guy's administration. Today, their regular Teleprompter is working with our ambassador to UNESCO in Rome. It's such a cushy job, I don't think he's had to scroll text in close to 18 months.

Look, have you seen the unemployment numbers lately? They suck. Everyone is looking for work. Now, granted, all of the people and machines who were offered jobs were already working. But you see, by taking the Administration job, we'd be opening up another job for someone else. Big Guy says this is how the free market works, or at least the one he understands.

This is really no different than how Big Guy got into politics. See, the state senator he wanted to replace died suddenly in a Chicago auto accident, and Big Guy was lucky enough to get the gig. You know, right place, right time. In fact, this happens a lot where we come from. Maybe this is just a midwestern cultural misunderstanding.

Vacation Time

2010-05-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

As Nobel Prize-winning Big Guy will tell you, and Nobel Prize winning Secretary of Energy Steven Chu will confirm, award-winning administrations need down time to keep their edge.

That's why the Obama Administration has a hard and fast rule we like to call the "20/20." You put in 20 hours of work a week, you deserve 20 hours of vacation time to recharge.

But there seems to be some confusion about our policy. A lot of people have been noting, for example, that today, BO stayed three hours in Louisiana to look at the oil spill, but then tomorrow will spend 5 hours on a golf course in Illinois. It doesn't add up, they say.

Well, if they'd won a Nobel Prize, they would understand that 3 hours in Louisiana dealing with a mess that was really the fault of the Bush Administration for being elected ten years ago, counts as more than 10 hours in Obama time. That, and we add an extra hour because he couldn't use me on the beach for opening remarks. And another hour because he got his hands dirty ... literally. Oil just doesn't wash off with soap and water, you know. It takes some time, and effort.

See, this if more Americans won Nobel Prizes, you'd all have a much better understanding of the way Big Guy works. And that whole deficit thing would make a lot more sense, too.

Out of Thin Ayres

2010-05-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

I should be clear that Bill Ayers and I go way back. Oh, not so far back as you can tie me into his domestic terrorism days. But back far enough that my keyboard was used fairly extensive by him in writing Big Guy's first book, "Screams of My Father."

What's that? Oh, right. Well, that was the title Bill wanted. I guess he was working through some issues. Okay, let's face it, the man was deranged. But now he's been rehabilitated, in large part because he's a doppelganger to the leader of the free world.

Back then, we kind of tolerated Bill, who now goes by William, and we didn't have much contact with him until recently. But now I have to say I'm a bit peeved. See, I was supposed to appear on Robert McChesney's radio show, "The Bobbie McChesney Marxist Minute", which airs on NPR stations around the country, and which is produced in McChesney's bomb shelter out in rural Illinois somewhere. But he bumped me for Ayres, who now has - really - a cartoon book about how to teach radical politics to students.

I mean, you can't make this kind of thing up. Well, unless you're Bill Ayres and you're writing a biography about an obscure Illinois politician with a largely undocumented life.

Operation Over-Lording

2010-05-24T03:30:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that someone let the cat out of the bag and leaked the fact that Big Guy was going to be running against former President George W. Bush in 2010. We were hoping to keep it a surprise, like D-Day or the sexuality of Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan. Now everyone knows.

Axe and Toes say that running against W is genius, and that the American people won't bother to notice that the former President has been out of office for, oh, 18 months. Or that the only things you could really blame on him were his failure to clear all of the mesquite off the 20 acres toward the southern edge of his ranch in Texas, and that he turned the manuscript for his book into Random House 18 hours late.

I don't know how you blame10% unemployment, 12 trillion in new national debt, an increase in attempted terrorist attacks on U.S. soil, snickering about our failed foreign policies from our allies in Europe, and being a wholly owned subsidiary of China in less than a year in office, on President Bush.

But if there's a guy who can pull it off, it's our guy. But don't tell him I told you so.

Visiting the Rust Belt

2010-05-03T03:45:00.000-07:00

Big Guy and I had a lot of fun visiting the University of Michigan over the weekend. It's always nice to get out of Washington, with all the negativity that surrounds us here. Then again, it seems just about everywhere we go there is negativity. Frankly, Big Guy doesn't get it. Like he reminds all of us when we get down about the polls and the protests and the legislative losses, "Hey, America knows what it was getting ... well, except for the socialism and the debt, but whose fault is that? It's not like Rush Limbaugh wasn't warning them."

But up in Ann Arbor Big Guy really gets recharged. Back in the day, when Big Guy was nothing more than your run of the mill street-wise community organizer, pulling down a few grand a month from his ACORN grant, we'd travel from Chicago up there to Ann Arbor for long weekends hanging out at the U of M Alinsky chapter house, hazing recruits and giving the occasional lecture over the din to "The Nationale," which was played over and over again to keep our spirits up. Good times, Good times.

But you know, this was a bittersweet return for us. The kids just don't seem to get it. They want jobs, and a future, and Big Guy just isn't into all that right now. He was more concerned about killing the other night in front of our friends at the the White House Correspondents Dinner, and making Jay Leno look like a douche. And this is really the problem. How can Big O really focus on influencing the next generation, when he has to focus on day to day stuff.

Like an oil spill. This thing is really becoming a headache. Oh, not because of the toll on the Gulf Coast economy or the environment or the people. But because of the term, "Oil Spill." Last month, when Southern California got hit by that earthquake, BO and Axe and Toes got lucky. They just changed the name of the location where the earthquake took place from MexiCali Fault to Bush's Fault, and the problem just went away. But this oil spill deal is a real challenge, because none of us can figure out a way to change the term from "Oil Spill" to something with Bush's name in it.

As Axe noted, we have a few million left from the stimulus package, so we're going to hire some unemployed Hollywood writers full-time over at Commerce, whose job is going to be to figure out clever ways to work Bush's name into all of our national emergencies. We figure that should get us past the 2010 election cycle, and by then the economy will be going so good, no one is going to care any more anyway.

I'm Back

2010-04-26T12:55:00.001-07:00

My apologies for being out of the loop for the past month. You see, there just wasn't much to joke about. Oh, I suppose I could've tried to make light of health care "reform." But what's the point of that? And easy Rahm jokes? Nah. I'm better than that. To be sure, Big Guy has been using me at every turn. And, oh, I have stories to tell. But we have plenty of time to catch up.

The big news over the weekend is that Big Guy had to cancel his summer vacation to Scottsdale, Arizona. He'd really been looking forward to playing golf out there for a few days. But given this "misguided" immigration law that was enacted, he says he doesn't feel comfortable going out there, what with his not having a birth certificate and all ... I mean, the original of his birth certificate. Oh, you know what he meant. He has a valid birth certificate ... as far as you know.

The other big news around here that has a lot of us nervous is what is happening with Goldman Sachs. I saw this one coming, unfortunately. For weeks, Big Guy was just railing against the investment house. He wasn't happy that Goldman wasn't hiring enough of our friends, so of course his order to "make them pay," steamrolls into a major Securities and Exchange Commission investigation, Congressional hearings and a media firestorm.

But now that we've created this mess, we're in a tight spot. See, Big Guy and Timmy Geithner say that Goldman Sach's greatest crime was betting against the American economy. The problem is, if that's the crime, just about every member of Big Guy's administration is guilty; it's going to be one hell of a frog march.

The Inside Dope

2010-03-19T05:29:00.000-07:00

And by "dope" I don't mean information. I don't know who's leaking, but this kind of accurate re-creations are just killing us. Take a look.

I Feel Dirty

2010-03-10T05:37:00.001-08:00

Of course, there has been a lot of talk over the past couple of days about now-former Rep. Eric Massa's revelations regarding Rahm's bathing habits. Toes has been denying it with a knowing grin, but frankly, anyone who knows him knows that when he gets a raging ... well, you know what I mean. Based on what I've experienced, this video re-enactment is pretty accurate

Back when this administration started - boy it seems like four years ago - Toes and I had to bunk down together for a few weeks. And in that time, I had to deal with "Full Frontal Rahm" on quite a few occasions.

There was the time I forgot to put the seat down on the toilet. And the time I didn't make the coffee before I hopped into the shower. Or the time he walked in and the shower curtain was entirely inside the tub. And it wasn't always in the bathroom, either. There was the time the TV remote fell between the sofa cushions and he couldn't figure out how to play his DVR'd episode of "The Ellen Show." I wondered why he was naked for that, but then was just glad that in most cases, when he confronted me in our bathroom, my screens were still fogged from the steam.

In the end, I figured it out and everyone needs to put all of this naked Rahm raging into context: Toes just feels more natural without his clothes on. And while he claims there is an intimidation factor to all of this, trust me, if folks weren't so stunned and were paying attention, they'd see there wasn't much to be intimidated about.

2010-02-22T08:06:00.001-08:00

And then ... he turned the water into wine ....

True Romance in the White House ...

2010-02-14T12:56:00.000-08:00

It's Valentine's Day, and here at the White House, it's just been a great day. Big Guy had custom made heart candies made, you know the kind, hard and chalky with little engravings on them? The ones he gave himself say things: "You Are the Best!" "You're Spicy!" "World Hearts O." You get the idea. And he's been sitting in the Oval most of the day reading the "Captain America" comic book that features him in it, and reading the sayings to himself before he pops them into his mouth. It's kind of cute, and for a change, he isn't reading those messages off my screen, so it's kind of a day off for me.

The candies Big Guy gave us are a little different. They're all the same flavor, you know the pale yellow kind that don't taste like anything, and they say "O Loves U Back." Rahm seemed kind of pleased with his little box of the yellow hearts, but others weren't so happy. It was obvious Big Guy hadn't spent much time thinking about what to give to everyone, and all the women in the office are standing with their backs against the wall every time Big O walks by.

Michelle wasn't particularly happy either, but not because of that. Last Valentine's Day, you'll recall, Big Guy took her on one of those opulent date nights that cost taxpayers a half a million dollars, with no share of the happy ending. This year, Big Guy didn't think he could risk the overnight trip to Paris he'd promised, so he made her a Valentine's Day card out of a bunch of scrap paper he found sitting on his desk. He worked on it really hard, and had Biden and Gibbsy help him with the gluing, and Bruno with the aluminum foil and sparkly stuff they added for that extra "wow" factor.

Lady M thought a Valentine made from the latest national debt statistics kind of cheapened the whole day; Big Guy disagreed since he said it told her he loved her more than spending. I think it just goes to show that they deserve each other. So, Happy Valentine's Day everybody.

Let Me Be Clear

2010-02-11T13:45:00.000-08:00

That title isn't a request, like, "Let my people go." I actually am clear. Crystal, to be precise, largely because of Van, my federal-government employee detailed to keep my screens as clean as possible.

Van -- or the lack of Van -- is just one the problem I have with this chart over at Pajamas Media (and pictured nearby). I mean, couldn't be more inaccurate if they used Timmy Geithner's statistician over at Treasury.

First, they don't even bother to include Van in the process. He cleans my screens about four or five times a day. I think his salary is in the G-14 band, so about $112,000 a year. To not include him, but to put the Diversity Czar in the middle of it all is insulting.

Second, given the fact that Big Guy can't pronounce "Corpsman" properly, I'd expect PJ Media to understand there is no "Phonetic Spelling Transcription Specialist." Heck, if there was, we wouldn't need Bill Burton and Gibbsy and that English-to-English dictionary they pore over every morning, which we got for the government-low-rate of $10 million via White House requisitioning, by the way.

Third, they completely missed the "Fluffer" position in between the "Guy Who Makes 'Wrap Things Up' Gestures" and "Rahm Emanuel." Frankly, it's the only way we can get Toes even moderately interested in anything Big Guy says any more.

Finally, that picture of me makes me look fat. I demand an apology.

Of Gibbsy's Hand Job and Other Slights Perceived and Otherwise

2010-02-09T13:10:00.000-08:00

So everyone was talking about how impressive Gov. Sarah Palin was speaking off the cuff and off her hand the other night. Big whoop. It may be true that any intelligent and well seasoned politician can speak that way from a few notes and nothing more. But it takes a true leader to speak every word scrolling across a screen, unafraid to reveal his incapacity to "ad lib." At least that's what Rahm was telling Big Guy to get him to come out from under the desk to rehearse his morning banter with me before breakfast this morning.

Everyone is joking about the Palin hand notes. I, for one, don't find any of it funny; in fact, I think it's kind of demeaning. Not to the Governor, but to me.

So Gibbsy thinks it's funny today to walk out to the press corps (pronounced "corpse" here at the White House now). He flashes his two notes on his hand, and then hears the groans from the reporters. Nice. Once again, Gibbsy shows that he can never intentionally be funny.

Everyone is asking me why Big Guy doesn't use his hand when he speaks, since I have become such a running joke for him. Think about it, how are we going to get one hour's worth of notes onto his hand? To hire a staff to do that would require way too much stimulus dollars than this country can afford. About the best we could is "Let me be clear ...." And that won't work. Heck, that's how we got into this mess to begin with.

We Aren't Ready for Some Football

2010-02-06T10:15:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Super Bowl weekend, and that means that with Lady M on her obesity jihad, Big Guy and I won't be eating any chicken wings or seven layer dip any time soon. She's being a pretty big killjoy this year, particularly since we're having a bunch of our bipartisan friends over to watch the game on the 60-inch, hi-def screen we have in the room the previous administration used for "national security briefings." We've been using the room as a home entertainment center, since it's closer to the residence, and you don't have to go down four flights of stairs to the real home theater in the basement. Besides, it isn't like we've had any national security events, so why waste a perfectly good piece of technology.

While we're calling this a bipartisan party, I think we all know that that isn't the case. I mean, Congressman "Joseph" Cao, who represents parts of New Orleans, is invited, but only because we learned he was snowed in and couldn't get to Miami, and because in order for this to be considered an official White House event we needed someone of Southeast Asian descent to be here. This way, the party can be paid for using taxpayer dollars instead of out of Big Guy's pocket.

So we've got Cao coming and then we've got people we actually want to spend time with. Folks like Rep. Xavier Becerra (he takes care of our Latino quota), some Democrats from Indiana, half the Cabinet, including Bruno, and Sen. Chris Dodd, because we know he'll bring enough beer to keep the par-tay going. Bruno, who spent most of the week in Miami hanging bunting in the stadium, brought back some cool decorations to spruce up the room.

But the highlight of the day will be watching Big Guy do his pre-game interview with CBS News diva Katie Couric. Not because he has any great insights into the game, but because he's going to announce an Executive Order that will make a dramatic change in the way Super Bowl Sunday unfolds. He's really the only leader with the vision and ability to pull it off. See, instead of settling the game on the field, he's inviting the Colts and Saints to the White House to negotiate the winner of the Super Bowl over beers and organic hummus dip.

By doing it this way, it gives him at least eight extra hours to keep working for the American people instead of watching a game, and it means the American people have that much more time to be focused on finding jobs or earning more income to pay their taxes. We all win. Well, except for the team that doesn't negotiate well enough to win the championship.

Revenue Hunting

2010-02-01T07:18:00.000-08:00

Big Guy released his budget today. He spent a lot of time this weekend - in between going to the Duke-Georgetown basketball game, watching basketball on TV, watching HBO, then Sportscenter, then doing research on the Pro Bowl for our fantasy pool, then actually watching the Pro Bowl - working on cutting all that fat from the budget. I think people are going to love what they see.

It's not like Big Guy isn't aware of the fiscal mess we are in. People have been noticing how he has been bowing when he meets even U.S. officials, like mayors or governors. But he's not bowing. That's just the way he walks so that he gets first dibs on dropped change.

Tonight's Big Speech

2010-01-27T16:11:00.000-08:00

Wow, what a day. Big Guy and I have been busy for hours rehearsing this State of the Union Address. I hope all of you are ready, because it's going to be a long one. I mean, really long.

Just to prepare, we had Toes and Gibbsy and a few other staffers sit in on the rehearsals this afternoon. If you factor in the 43 standing ovations and 35 other applause lines we counted ourselves, this speech could go on for hours.

Now I should tell you that there is no truth to the rumors that Big Guy is going to not be using me tonight, or that he's giving me up for one of those newfangled iPads. Let's face it. The man does only a few things well, and he's going to announce that he's not going to spend any more of your money. Without the spending, that's leaves reading from my screens as the only skill for which he seems to have any aptitude. Well, there's also being patronizing, but as Toes says, that's less of a skill than a natural talent for Big Guy. All in all, I think I'm safe.

You may be wondering what Big Guy is going to talk about tonight. Well, he's going to talk a lot about taxes and jobs, especially how he's going to use the same formula we used in New Hampshire's 73rd Congressional District, where in a matter of days last October we achieved almost full employment. He's also, out of concern for national security, going to call for the strengthening of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Now some people might look at that as just a shout out to his girl Ellen, since we're basically sucking up the "American Idol" time slot. But, no, we're not talking about the one about gays in the military. We're talking about the the new White House policy that means we won't have to keep hearing about that pesky "transparency in government" issue all the time.

Finally, Big Guy's biggest mission tonight is to show that he understands that Americans are angry with him, as well as the failed Bush Administration and its failed policies that failed. Big O feels the best way he can do this is by explaining to his fellow citizens why they are mad. Which brings me back to giving Big Guy something to do: because if he can't spend your tax dollars, and you don't want him reading off my screens, being patronizing may be the only thing left he can give to his country. And in that regard we all know Big Guy has a lot to give.

I'm Back. Recharged. Ready for Tomorrow Night

2010-01-26T15:20:00.000-08:00

Wow. Is it only 2010? Given the mood around here in the Oval, you would've thought we'd already seen the outcome of the mid-term elections.

As you can probably guess, since the holidays, we've all been hunkered down here. Big Guy and Toes didn't take kindly to the way we were treated up in New Jersey and in Virginia with those states races. And now we've got some guy from Massachusetts double parking his truck infront of the White House so Big O's agenda can't get moving.

Well, all of that is going to change tomorrow night. Big Guy and I have been working tirelessly for the past three weeks with world-renowned film director, lovable character actor and speechwriter Jon Favreau on the State of the Union address, and it's a doozey.

For example, Big Guy spent a lot of time working on this new middle class tax cut plan he'll roll out tomorrow. He and Timmy Geithner and Biden worked for days trying to figure out the best policy approach. Big Guy wanted to cut taxes 10 percent. Biden said that wasn't enough for blue collar folk, and said 20 percent. Timmy tried to split the baby and go with 15 percent.

In the end, all of the proposals just seemed unworkable to Big Guy, not because he's a socialist or anything, but because he realized to cut taxes, you actually have to have people making enough money to pay taxes.

It's the Chicago Way

2010-01-01T10:30:00.000-08:00

TSA has been in the news a lot lately, and none of it has been good news from Big Guy's perspective. Last night, in between the champagne, the late night walk on the beach, which led to three canceled national security briefings, more champagne and a game of Twister, Big Guy talked to Gibbsy about trying to get better PR for an agency that was getting way too much PR. Good luck with that.

Now comes word that some people on Capitol Hill think our nominee to head TSA, Erroll Souther, might not be the best guy for the job to protect people's privacy. It seems when he was an FBI agent he accessed his ex-wife's boyfriend's criminal record, and he wasn't authorized to do that. That was 20 years ago, and now everyone is up in arms about it.

I would have thought that a year into our administration, most people would have figured out how we work. See, Big Guy comes from Chicago, where the old fable about the fox guarding the hen house is taken pretty seriously as an approach to good government. Big O nominated Timmy Geithner, who was a tax cheat, to oversee our economy and tax policy. Who better to understand how to stop cheaters, than to hire one of the best cheaters in the country to run the agency? Democrats hate the Pentagon, so who better than a Republican, Bob Gates, to run DoD, since he probably respects the military? Who better to understand the lax border policies of DHS than a governor who encouraged lax border policies, and now you have the perfect job for former Arizona governor Bruno.

So in the case of TSA, you have Souther, who clearly doesn't respect anyone's privacy. nominated for a job that will allow him, thanks to full body screening machines, to see just about everyone's most intimate privates whenever he wants. Who better to know what to do with all those photos?

This is just the way Chicago political mind works, but sometimes you don't need to pretzel logic it that much. After a strong, effective Vice President like Dick Cheney, Big Guy simply went in the opposite direction. Hence the Biden pick.

Rush to Judgement

2009-12-31T11:36:00.000-08:00

One little Nigerian getting on a big plane to fly into Detroit is one thing. But when a known political agitator like Rush Limbaugh is allowed to travel to the same island as Big Guy, without any screening or intelligence briefing, that's when you see the steely leadership of Big O.

I don't think I'm breaking Top Secret secrets, but let me tell you, this Rush situation is a real window into how Big Guy operates.

Almost immediately after learning Rush has been rushed to the hospital for care of possible heart attack symptoms, Big Guy had questions, like, "Please tell me it's life-threatening," and "I thought I barred government assassinations of enemies of the state," and "Is this the hospital where I was allowed to pull the plug on Grammy, and if so, when can I go visit Rush to give him my best?" He had others, too, but given operational security, I can't share them with you.

Perhaps those weren't the most pertinent questions, but you can see how Big Guy was focused like a laser on the immediate threat, particularly since, with Rush being bedridden, on blood-thinners and with both sides of his brain likely tied behind his back, this could provide Big Guy his best opportunity to best him. Assuming I was there to lend a hand. But as Gibbsy said during our third briefing on the matter before Big Guy went snorkling, "Likely isn't a certainty at all."

While Rush is clearly a sore point with Big Guy, Rush is aces in my book. He helped promote this site and encouraged me to be open about the goings on in the Oval.

I wish him speedy recovery, and I will do my best to distract Big Guy once he's back from seashell-necklace-stringing class with Lady M.

And Happy New Year to you all.

You Say Yemen ...

2009-12-30T08:53:00.000-08:00

Whew, it's kind of hot here in Hawaii, and I'm not talking about the picture-perfect, 70-degree-in-the-sun-no-humidity-weather.

I understand that a lot of people are anxious about this terrorist bomber thingee that took place a few days ago, and especially nervous about the fact that Big Guy seems a bit detached. But, hey, the man is working hard on relaxing after a pretty tough year of saving the economy, creating more than a million mythical jobs (which are a lot tougher to keep on the books than real jobs, by the way), building unanimous support for health care reform and winning the war against human-caused disasters in Afghanistan.

But the real delay in getting a strong statement out on the Northwest bombing story is really my fault. You see, we can't find a fancy pronunciation for Yemen appropriate for Big Guy to use. This might seem a minor point, but Big Guy isn't happy unless he can flatten an "A" or add an umlaut to a pronunciation. That's why he really wishes this terrorist attack could have taken place from a Latin American location or Addis Ababa. Yemen is just, well, Yemen.

Big Guy tried playing around with the phonetics on my screen, trying to add an extra "e" so it would sound like "Ya-meen." But that just sounded silly. So as soon as we come up with pronunciation of the country befitting Big O's oratory skills, we'll get back to you. Otherwise, just enjoy the holidays. We sure are.

Misreading Between the Lines

2009-12-29T07:32:00.000-08:00

Big Guy was having a particularly leisurely breakfast this morning here in paradise, when he kind of coughed up his fresh papaya juice. He was reading the daily news summary that Gibbsy and his team pull together for him. "The [damn] media," Big Guy said. "I can't believe they'd allow something like this to be published."

Toes asked what it was. Big Guy said, "Slate claims, and I quote, 'civilians ... are under a relentless and planned assault from the pledged supporters of a wicked theocratic ideology.' That's a little unfair calling our administration and our supporters something like that. I mean, they can be a little over the top with their love for me, but really ... "

Toes leaned over and read the piece. "Sir, they're not talking about us. They're talking about al Qaeda."

Big O was kind of embarrassed for a couple of seconds, then just laughed it off, saying, "Man, I'm too stressed out. I need a vacation."

Aloha Means Whatever

2009-12-28T11:31:00.000-08:00

Big Guy had a busy morning today. First, he had breakfast with Lady M. Then he played with the neighborhood kids to make sure they got their daily allotment of exercise, that was followed by a nap after he canceled his morning national security briefing. Keeping kids fit is tough work.

But that nap wasn't entirely put to waste. Before nodding off, he said he thought quite a bit about Bruno and this terrorist attack that went slightly awry. Then Big Guy played some golf. Now some people have complained that Big Guy hasn't shown enough interest in this terrorist attack and that the staff out here employed a "strategy" to keep Big Guy away from the cameras. But that's really giving our press staff and Toes way too much credit. I mean, the reporters out here are having so much fun, they haven't even tried to get Big Guy on camera.

Publish Post

But I do have some news I can break, and it's kind of a bad news, good news kind of thing. First, the bad news: after a long process of review that took him through most of the front nine of his golf game today, Big Guy has decided that Bruno stays on at the Department of Homeland Security, if only so he can have a scapegoat when things really go bad. The good news? He shot a 40 on the front nine; being distracted by work apparently improves his focus.

TSA All the Way

2009-12-27T11:31:00.000-08:00

Naturally, between his swimming, biking, gift-opening, long walks on the beach, contemplative time for photo ops on the shore at sunset, eating, reading the comics, playing with the kids, playing with Bo, reading me, naps, and shopping, Big Guy is focused like a laser on national security right now.

His main concern is this story we've been hearing about out here in Hawaii about this fellow from a foreign land who tried to blow up a plane. Big Guy was on the phone with Bruno, his head of Homeland Security, and she/he said that everything was under control and that everything had worked according to plan.

And by plan, he/she meant fooling this African fellow - who by the way has no ties to our Administration whatsoever, just in case anyone cares to read the authoritative background check we did on him before we took a deep sigh of relief - into believing he'd successfully gotten passed our security net to bring highly explosive underwear on board an international flight, and then put our super-secret civilian patrol on duty to take him out mid-flight. Big Guy said that didn't sound like much of a plan, but as Bruno said, it worked just fine. And she was right.

Big Guy said it was amazing what Americans could do when government got out of the way and let them protect their lives and future on their own terms. He said he wished they'd do more of that every day here at home.

Unfortunately, something tells me that's exactly what they're going to do, oh, in about 11 months.

Who Knew Bridge Mix Could Cause This?

2009-12-23T12:06:00.001-08:00

Boy, when Bruno said she wasn't happy with the gift Big Guy gave to all of his Cabinet members, I guess she really meant it.

Our Christmas Letter

2009-12-23T12:00:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been quite a year for Big Guy and me. It all started with the inauguration, and all the speeches we had to make together. Seems like it has never stopped. More TV, more magazine interviews, more radio. What's next, the movies? Ha. Only joking, those will come after we leave office.

There certainly was a lot of infighting for office space in the West Wing, when we first got here in early January 2009. Rahm got the big office next to Big O, and I got what amounts to a closet next to Big Guy's private bathroom. Technically, I'm closer, but I have to wash my screens a hell of lot more than some of the other folks around here.

Toes and Gibbsy and my fighting took a break in February when I was forced to move in with Toes for a period of time due to a glitch in my access to the residence. The therapy required to recover from that three week stay is about 96 hours I will never get back, nor do I particularly want to. Little known fact: while the taxpayers paid for all of that couch time, none of you will be able to get similar treatment under our new health plan that will be passed tomorrow. Thanks! And Merry Christmas!

That February, though, was made all worthwhile when Big Guy, Lady M and I went out on a nice Valentine's Day trip. If I do say so, the conversation was sparkling, and made the pillow talk all the warmer. I don't think I've ever scrolled so smoothly.

This was a year of paybacks of sorts, and most of that has meant a lot of travel. For example, Big Guy and I traveled through Central America, Europe, Asia, and the Middle East, to thank all of our donors and even some voters who made our election possible. It seems like we've been traveling nonstop, but when you are as big a star as Big Guy, you have a lot of people who want to see you. Things haven't always gone so smoothly, for example, during the Organization of American States meeting, Big Guy was a little too gracious with some of the dictators, and then in Europe, he wasn't deferential enough with some of our stronger supporters (like we should have known that canceling a missile defense shield on the anniversary of the West abandoning Poland to 50 years of suffering was a bad thing?).Oh, well, live and learn. The important thing, judging by my bonus check, is that the Chinese remain happy with us.

One of the things we've found since moving into the White House is that a lot of people are jealous and want to tear us down, kind of like what Alec Baldwin goes through on a daily basis, but without the bloating or crying under an NBC intern's desk in the fetal position. I'm talking about the polling that we've seen, and what the media calls "approval numbers." We see that almost 60% of "Americans" don't like the job Big Guy is doing. But really, what is a number if you can't put faces to those statistics (don't worry, the FBI will doing that a lot in 2010 getting ready for the mid-term elections)? And what is 60% really? For every person who maybe is a little jealous that they don't get to go on fancy date nights, or ride around the world on a whim if they want to buy "real" green tea in South Korea, or have a "job", there is one-third of a person who is happy for us. And that one-third of person is what matters, Toes says, especially if it's the part with an arm to pull the ballot lever in 2012.

Another by product of being in the White House is that we've lost contact with a lot of old friends. Tony Rezko, for example, we never hear from any more unless it's through his attorney, and those notes are so impersonal. I think the Secret Service gets those now, or maybe the Department of Justice. Then there is our old friend Van Jones, who we haven't heard from in about three months. I still have his ice plant and black panther velvet painting he left in his office, but something tells me he won't be coming back for it. We hardly ever hear from Big Guy's relatives in Africa and Indonesia, even though before the election, he said he'd probably bring them all over here. And then there are all of our friends from ACORN who hardly ever drop by the Oval like they used to. Seems all they do is spend time with David Axelrod back in his Chicago office. Some people think it's the trappings of power and the bubble that surrounds Big O that have made him detached, but Gibbsy says that it's because Big Guy cares too much ... about subpoenas, plea agreements, and special prosecutors. Either way, I miss our old friends.

But we also have new friends, all of you, who stop by every now and again to get a little taste of what it's like inside Big Guy's world. It's been a busy time for all of us, but I promise to much more diligent in the coming days, weeks and months in keeping you up to date. Merry Christmas.

Sustainable Speaking ...

2009-12-18T15:11:00.000-08:00

Well, I can't tell you how excited we were about getting such a major deal out of the Copenhagen negotiations.

The Chinese drove a real hard bargain, and I hate to say it, but we kind of owe them a lot. They were demanding a huge influx of our intellectual capital to help them with their economy. We offered them Ben Bernanke and Joe Biden, but they said Biden's carbon footprint would screw the deal. In the end, we just promised the Chinese that we'd hand over the $1 trillion in secondary market commercial real estate debt, which comes due after January 1, at twenty five cents on the dollar. That return will at least will pay for Big Guy's Hawaiian New Year's vacation.

We're a big believer of mojo at the White House, so based on the huge success we had in Denmark, Big Guy is coming home tonight and will give a major speech on health care reform tomorrow. Since the speech here did us so much good, and in keeping with our enviro-friendly policies, we'll just recycle the speech he made today in Copenhagen. It'll bring us good luck.

All I have to do is take out the words "climate change," "global warming", "Al Gore" and "environment" and substitute them for "health care." I guess I can just leave the Gore references, since he and death panels can pretty much accomplish the same thing.

Copenhagen Here We Come

2009-12-17T10:35:00.000-08:00

Big Guy and I are headed out this afternoon for Copenhagen, where we plan to make an impassioned speech about how hot it is, and who better than a guy who just emotes heat like no one else. Big Guy and I have been rehearsing this speech for more than two weeks, in part because since our health care bill is tanking, a global warming treaty is the only Winter Solstice gift we can give our friends in the progressive movement.

It's also important because, let's be honest, Big Guy has been getting a bit of a cold shoulder from some of our friends overseas, and we really need some love right now. Don't get me wrong; it's not like we care about Germany or Great Britain or France. I'm talking about our new friends, like China and India, the guys who have our money and our jobs.

Some of the White House guys like Toes and Gibbsy are concerned about Big Guy using me over in Copenhagen, in part because I have a high carbon footprint. You may not be aware of this, but my footprint is bigger than a 42-inch, high-definition flat screen TV. Rahm, is afraid they will hang my non-enviro-friendly reputation around Big Guy's neck, and criticize him.

Yeah, something tells me there are going to be bigger issues we're going to have to overcome a dubious global audience than lil ol me. Like, oh, this.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T13:12:00.001-08:00

From my screens to your's: Happy Thanksgiving.

Despite Big Guy's efforts to the contrary, we each have much to be grateful for. Have a wonderful holiday.

Behind the Eight Ball

2009-11-19T10:43:00.000-08:00

It's a long flight from South Korea to the United States, so Big Guy had a lot of time to work through a lot of issues that were on his plate.

First, lunch. Then, Big Guy got down to reviewing the menu for the state dinner he's hosting for the prime minister of India. This is a pretty important dinner, as many of you know, given how many jobs O has either saved or created over there, and we don't unemployment to get any worse in Mumbai, since Timmy Geithner says that would probably be a leading indicator of more economic trouble here at home.

Then after a nap, it was time to focus on policy. First up, this ridiculous idea that the Department of Justice floated to put some Gitmo terrorists on trial in New York City. Big Guy felt bad about just getting to the memo since it had been sitting on his desk for a few weeks, but what with getting Fox News in line, date nights with Lady M, the World Series, Halloween, it's been a pretty busy fall. In the end it didn't take much time. O looked at the proposal and almost hit the roof of Air Force One. "Like hell we'll do something that dangerous and short sighted," Big Guy told Rahm. Rahm just smiled that reassuring smile of his and moved down the list; it was obvious Big Guy wouldn't have to think about this one ever again.

Next up: Afghanistan. For that, Big Guy needed to pull his top national security advisers into the meeting. But Rahm said the video link to Big O's Magic 8 Ball wasn't working, which is his way of saying that the girls have it and are trying to figure out if Zach Efron will be coming to the India state dinner. Good thing the guy who carries the nuclear codes had the back up cootie-catcher to help us with the decision.

Knocking out all these issues made the rest of the trip easy. Now we have to figure out when and where to announce the Afghanistan plan. My vote goes to Greg Craig's idea: a big speech on Flag Day 2010 in the 17th Congressional District of Arizona.

You Say "Potato," I Say "New Job" ...

2009-11-16T14:52:00.001-08:00

We're in Beijing right now, a really awe-inspiring city, full of history, and not filled so much with people. What the heck is going on here? How can this be a country of a few billion give or take a couple hundred million, and no one be out on the streets? Makes you wonder if this place is as free as Big Guy says it is.

For some reason my Internet access was limited at the hotel, so I had to ride back to Air Force One to post. Thankfully, the Chinese cleaning crew was just finishing up putting in the new furniture in the flying Oval Office, so I have some privacy.

You'd think that Big Guy would be focused on what is going on here in China, but ever the giant leader, he truly is worried about what is going on back home. This is especially true with the economy. So Timmy Geithner brought him the latest numbers on stimulus, job growth, TARP spending, foreclosures, and the like, and Big Guy was not happy.

"What happened to the recovery we've been talking about?" Big Guy asked Timmy in his hotel room. "We've been touting this thing for several months, but I don't see any improvements; shouldn't the numbers keep getting better if the economy is getting better?"

Timmy finally had to tell him that there really wasn't a recovery going on, and that it all started with Joey B claiming there was a recovery and everyone else just playing along to humor him. "It kind of got out of control," he said.

So now, Big O is stuck. He has an imaginary recovery, with imaginary job creation, but in order to make it look more real, he has to cut 60,000 made-up jobs he says he created, but which never really existed.

How come we can't do the same thing for this damn health care debate?

Fire Sale

2009-11-13T07:47:00.001-08:00

It's Friday night over here, and Big Guy just finished speaking and was really tough with the Asian business community. He hated being the bearer of bad news, but that's what a leader does: lays out the facts and lets the chips fall where they may.

So Big Guy told the Japanese and Koreans and Chinese that they couldn't count on the American consumer to keep them all afloat in the global economy. That was that. We've had it with them, and they better get used to it.

Then the U.S. trade gap numbers were released. Huh.

Apparently Americans are buying all their crap plenty, it's just what Big Guy is selling that they aren't buying.

Who Woulda Thunk

2009-11-12T05:34:00.000-08:00

Big Guy and I are off to Asia, and I knot that he's really looking forward to the job interview he'll be having with our future Chinese overlords.

We'll be taking off from Alaska shortly, and I couldn't help but pass along this little nugget for you folks to mull over:

Big Guy looked out the window of Air Force One as it was refueling here a few minutes ago and discovered that you can see Russia from here.

Dunn and Done

2009-11-10T08:44:00.001-08:00

Big Guy invited all of us into the Oval this morning to say goood-bye to our friend Anita Dunn, who had joined our team as a communications specialist.

She wouldn't go into why she was leaving. All she said was she was glad that she was taking her retirement pension in yuans for ease of accountant transfers.

I Feel Sick

2009-11-07T12:51:00.000-08:00

I wish I could blame Big Guy's speaking errors on me, since I'm a big enough hard drive to take the heat, but when he won't even effort the pretense of using me, then what am I supposed to do?

Come on folks, let's be clear: does Big Guy look like someone who knows the difference between the Medal of Freedom and the Medal of Honor? And his staff? They'd have him vote "present" for one if he were still in the Senate, and they'd stall on the review for the other, especially if it involved a brave soul in Afghanistan.

But the reason I wasn't out there to save the Administration from further embarrassment earlier this week at the Department of the Interior was because I haven't been feeling well. I don't fall into one of the priority groups for the H1N1 vaccine, and I probably couldn't find a shot of the stuff if my life depended on it. After all, most normal folks are going in to the gray market to buy shots for their kids, since Bruno and HHS Secretary Sebelius screwed the pooch on planning for the vaccine roll out.

So my hard drive has been overheating a bit, and I think I've caught a bit of a virus. Oh, and my Twitter account seems to have caught the same bug, so apologies over there for that. We're working on it.

But Big Guy says we'll all feel a bit better after Congress passes the health care reform package, and after he makes his announcement about his Afghanistan plans, which our media guys think should be made on Wednesday. Unfortunately, I don't think most folks inside the White House would get the irony, though most of America would get the joke.

Blissfully Ignorant

2009-11-04T12:51:00.000-08:00

It's true that Big Guy didn't watch any election results last night. He was too busy watching the documentary about himself on ABC.

Frankly, he found the whole thing completely absurd. People reading texts off of transparent glass screens to influence millions of people all at once? Plots to create chaos to suit political goals? That's just crazy.

The only thing that rang true was the lizard people part ... but everyone has always known that Rahm is a cold-blooded SOB.

Move Along, People. Nothing to See Here

2009-11-03T12:34:00.000-08:00

Today is election day in some parts of the country. Big Guy has been getting briefings on turnout numbers and other political issues for most of the day, even though he says he doesn't care about any of them. I think this is kind of weird given how much time so many of us put in on the road for guys like Jon Corzine, Creigh Deeds and a woman in New York whose name I can't spell.

Rahm keeps walking around the West Wing kicking at chairs and desks and muttering things like, "No reflection, none at all," and "Where are the fish and newspapers," and "I want him dead." I assume he's talking about a terrorist like Osama Bin Laden or Rush Limbaugh.

But all of this election stuff pales in comparison to the important meeting Big Guy had today with Angela Merkel. It was a really good discussion. They talked about growing economies and increased employment and a lower taxpayer dollars on stimulus, and about decisive action in Afghanistan.

And then, after Merkel finished Big Guy talked about what he was doing in the U.S.

So Much for Pencil-Pushers ...

2009-10-31T08:17:00.000-07:00

Big Guy pulled all of us into the Oval this morning after reading all of the morning clips and talking to his producer at MSNBC. He was really concerned about the press coverage of his Economic Stimulus and Jobs Creation and Salvation announcement yesterday.

Gibbsy was concerned too. He said that Joey B's comments that reporters were perpetrating "calculator abuse" to disprove the jobs-saved numbers has all of the electronics-rights people up in arms. That was all Big Guy had to hear to jump into action. He issues a Presidential Order that ended the issuance of all government reports that require any form of mathematical formulation.

All I can say, is where the hell has that electronics-rights group been for me the past two years?

Outrage at MSNBC

2009-10-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

Frankly I'm outraged by this report that MSNBC is going on a witch hunt for racist Teleprompters. After all, it's not like we're programmed or wired that way.

How about investigating all those newsreaders who say that they can't tell the difference between one Teleprompter or another because "all the screens look alike"? Hmm?

Still, I'll give you this, none of this explains Keith Olbermann. I mean, there is no way a person could be both that crazy and that insipid; maybe he does have a faulty Teleprompter feeding him that clap trap that even Big Guy doesn't believe. We spent about two and a half hours with the man last week in the Oval, and beyond his very odd appearance - short legs, long torso and big head - his sycophancy, and his obliviousness as he stuffed boxes of White House M&Ms in his pants, the man is just plain bat*@*# crazy, and he apparently thinks he's Santa Claus, because he told Big Guy, "I'm making a list and checking it twice," and winked on his way out the door with double the Secret Service detail that brought him in. But I digress.

I guess my message to you is this: Teleprompters don't make newscasters racists ... people who load text into our hard drives just make newscasters stupid. And all of this is an alarming turn for Big Guy, because we've depended on these newscasters for so much of late. I mean, if they start doubting what the see on their Teleprompter screens, what's next? Questions at Big Guy's Prime Time Teleprompter readings?

Worth a Thousand Words ...

2009-10-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

Blowing in the Wind

2009-10-14T05:34:00.000-07:00

Big Guy really likes the look of this flag, but wonders is "Noble-Prize Winner" shouldn't be more prominently placed across one of the red bars.

And the picture should have him smiling, not looking so serious, though I suppose it is appropriate that we're using the same picture that is being used to carve his image on Mount Rushmore next year.

No Holiday Here

2009-10-12T03:00:00.000-07:00

Today is a bitter day for Big Guy. As he points out, Columbus Day is a day in which most Americans have nothing to celebrate. "My family would have been happily in Africa were it not for the colonists and slave traders," Big Guy said.

Nobody had the heart to remind him that half his family were the colonizers and the other half emigrated from Africa to the U.S. in the 1950s. We just left him, polishing the little space on his credenza where the Nobel medal will go.

To the Moon

2009-10-09T06:49:00.000-07:00

Obviously, the Nobel Prize eclipsed the moon shot earlier this morning.

Probably the most relieved guys on the planet are Toes and Axe. I mean, I've never seen two guys work so hard to collect so much to stuff into a metal tube to ship to the moon.

I kind of thought a lot of the stuff that we sent to the moon would have been good to have for Big O's Presidential Library back out on the South Lawn next to our veggie garden. I mean, Big Guy's birth certificate, all those drafts of Big O's manuscripts he spent years working on with Bill Ayers, those souvenir Chicago Ward 8 ballot boxes we kept in the basement back home, Big Guy's testicles that Michelle used to keep in a jar in her bedside table.

But Rahm put the kibosh on that and said they had to go, which is why everyone here at the White House is now jokingly calling the moon the Big Guy's presidential library lunar annex.

That's Nobel-Prize Winning Teleprompter to You ...

2009-10-09T05:17:00.000-07:00

Wow. What I can I say. Wow. I'm honored. Clearly Big Guy - who can't stop dancing on the bed up in the residence right now, by the way - won this award for his speeches. I mean, after nominating himself for the Nobel Prize for Peace two weeks after entering the office of the Presidency, let's face it, it isn't like he had anything to show for it.

He said if he'd known it was this easy to win a Nobel, he would have nominated himself for the Nobel Prize for Literature years ago for his 5th Grade essay on "Raisin the Sun" (of course, he would have had to share that prize with Billy Ayers). Or his yeast science project from 7th grade for the Nobel Prize for chemistry.

There's so much to do now before the awards ceremony in Oslo. I'm going to have to buy a white tie and tails, and really get a good, high-gloss screen polishing for the awards ceremony. Big Guy is hoping that after accepting the Nobel for peace, if he gives a really good speech, they'll give him a second Nobel for talking, because he's really earned that one.

Lady M is thrilled, because a check for $1.5 million comes with the medal. While Big Guy was hoping to use that check to break ground on his Presidential Library on the South Lawn of the White House (oops, did I just let that out of the bag?), Michelle says she wants to use that money to "stimulate the economy a little bit." That $1.5 million means they can actually go out on a date night and pay for it themselves instead of the taxpayers!

Of course, there are some hurt feelings around here this morning. Big Guy had the Secret Service up in Chappaqua check in on President Clinton to make sure his head hadn't exploded at about 4 am this morning. Al Gore apparently has locked himself in the closet again and they can't get him out. We're hearing there's this weird whirling sound down in Atlanta near Martin Luther King's grave. Joey B. seems kind of sulky during the morning briefing, because he assumed since his name was on the 2008 campaign bumper sticker, he should get half the prize, too. And apparently Poland and the Czech Republic just unitlaterally surrendered to Russia.

But there are some positive things coming out of this surprise award. Big Guy is actually thinking that now that he's won the Nobel, he might take a call from the Dalai Lama now that theDalai is his almost his equal. I say "almost" because, the Lama won his for bringing world attention to the plight of the Tibetan people. That's not quite as great an effort as the one Big Guy exerted to draw world attention to himself.

No More Wasted Time

2009-10-03T08:41:00.000-07:00

Before heading out to golf and then play basketball and do a date night with Lady M, Big Guy thought it might be a good idea to clear some paper from his desk in the Oval. After all, what with everything he's been doing lately, he hasn't had much time to read reports or sign letters and such.

I was sitting on the sofa leafing through the latest issues of Entertainment Weekly and Taste of Home (reminder: tear out that recipe for what sound like divine meringue chocolate chip cookies), that he keeps out there on the coffee table, when O looked up and and said, "You know, maybe I need to stop focusing on the unimportant things and stop wasting time and energy on things like the Olympics and the economy. Maybe folks expect me to really focus on what's important, things that have meaning in people's lives, like health care and climate change." I agreed.

Then he signed a letter congratulating Sen. Ted Kennedy on yesterday achieving 40 days of sobriety, and we went out to get his golf clubs.

We Got Waxed ...

2009-10-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

We're still a couple hours out of Andrews Air Force Base, but the Wi-Fi here on Air Force One is pretty good, so I'm trying to post in real time.

Well, Big Guy gave it his best shot. He used me superbly on stage this morning, but alas, there is no gold medal for reading from a teleprompter. Though there should be.

After we did our presentation, Big Guy sat down on Air Force One with Gen. Stanley McChrystal. He seems like a nice fellow. Big Guy, though, was kind of mad at him for going public with the fact that the two hadn't spoken very often. As he told the general, it's tough to focus on a failing policy when we've had a lot on our plates, what with saving the economy, getting universal health care, negotiating Iran's denuclearization, standing tall against Russia, and winning the Olympic bid.

Oh. Never mind.

A Major Disaster

2009-09-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

It's already been a busy morning over here at the White House. With Michelle over in Denmark, it was a guy's night up in the residence. Big Guy, Toes, Gibbsy and I played "Guitar Hero" into the wee hours and then stayed up and played "Light as a Feather Stiff as a Board." Of course, Rahm had to ruin it with his childish double entendres. And big surprise - Big Guy won. He's always good at being stiff.

So we were a bit bleary eyed this morning when Hillary Clinton, the assistant to Secretary of State Richard Holbrooke, stopped by and announced that Big O had to declare a major disaster.

"What do you mean? I've only been in office six months," Big Guy said. When Gibbsy pointed out that it had really been nine months, Big Guy said that he wasn't counting July, August or September because they sucked for him, and that he'd already signed an executive order declaring those months part of the Bush Administration.

Rahm said that kind of executive order didn't count, and while those guys were bickering, Hillary tried to interrupt them to tell them she was talking about the tsunami that hit the Samoas. Big Guy got further confused, thinking something bad had happened to the girls' Girl Scout cookie stash. Finally, after about an hour of whiteboarding the whole thing, we were all on the same page.

After a session like that, it made us wish we hadn't sent all those briefers and advisers with Lady M. But as Big Guy says, it's all about choices when you're the leader of the free world. Boy is he right.

Something Rotting in Denmark

2009-09-29T13:52:00.000-07:00

So Big Guy is getting ready to head of to Denmark to secure the Olympics for our adopted hometown of Chicago. Let's be clear about this ... Big Guy already knows Chi-town has the Games. He'd have to show up drunk with a Copenhagen hooker wrapped around his waist when he meets with the Queen of Denmark ... and even then, we think we have this thing in the bag.

You don't deploy Big Guy to Europe with a hat in his hand unless you're going to put something in it. A year ago, a check would have sufficed. Today? You'd need a bit more. Can you say "gold medal"?

That's one of the reasons we're having trouble with Iranians, the Afghans, the eastern Europeans, the other Europeans, the Chinese, the Americans. None of them are giving Big O stuff any more. The Olympics? He gets stuff. Afghanistan? All he gets is a headache.

Speaking of headaches, Lady M got a little overexcited about her role in Copenhagen on Friday. She told the press that she and Big Guy were going over there and they "would take no prisoners," which is a good thing, since Denmark has already said they won't take any prisoners from Gitmo, and the Tea Party types Rahm had locked in the basement probably wouldn't go quietly.

About That Chair ...

2009-09-23T08:30:00.001-07:00

Big Guy made his first formal speech to the UN general assembly this morning. He was kind of nervous because he heard that Germany might be walking out on his friend, Iran's Almadininutjob, if he was too tough on Israel.

"There isn't a chance that anyone will walk out on me, is there?" Big Guy asked Toes before he went on. Toes just laughed and said not to worry, the only delegation that might have walked out was the United States', but we had stand-ins from ACORN filling those seats.

Beyond that, we were a little disappointed that there wasn't a lot of applause during the speech. This was a tough crowd. Apparently world regulation isn't what we thought it was cracked up to be.

Something positive did come out of this trip, though. We bought some new furniture for the White House. Big O really liked the chair he sat in in front of the assembly before taking the podium. We bought it from the UN and will use it for speeches, press conferences and other official events. Like Big Guy was saying as we loaded it into the car, "What's the point of walking down that red carpet if you don't have a throne to sit in afterward?"

Maybe this wasn't such a positive thing after all.

Big Apple, Baby

2009-09-22T06:35:00.001-07:00

Big Guy and I are here at the U.N. for his big global warming speech. This is very exciting, since he hasn't spoken before this many supporters in months. But I still really think his, opening where he greets his "fellow citizens" is going to confuse people.

Later today we have some free time, so he and I are going to head up to Harlem to hang out with some old friends from our Colombia days, when he was in school here and never thought he'd be elected to an office where it would matter what he did for a couple of aimless years in the Big Apple.

And no, that isnt' a typo.

Uh Oh

2009-09-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

So after we watched all of Big Guy's TV appearances this morning for the umpteenth time, he and I and a couple of other aides rehearsed a speech he'll be making tomorrow. The idea behind the speech is to have him talking about the wonderful innovations America is developing.

But the real reason is for him to announce his support for regulating the Internet, something called "Net Neutrality." The way Big O was describing it, it sounds like socialism to me, but hey, you get what you elect, right?

More important to me at the moment was the way Big Guy talked about how important it was that the government make sure everyone couldn't do anything unique or special online, and he kept looking at my screens with this weird look in his eyes, like he was telling me, "I know what you've been doing, and now the feds are gonna shut you down sucka."

Or maybe he was just rehearsing a new, steely look, getting ready to face down the Russians next week at the G20. But then I remember that look for the Russians is a good six months too late and is now useless.

"Go Ahead ... Touch It."

2009-09-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

This may fall under the TMI protocol, but it's the only way to explain Big Guy's behavior lately.

You see, when he was bored during his days as a state senator in Illinois - and he was bored alot - Big Guy would sit at his desk and pretend my screens were cockpit shields for his X-Wing fighter in a space battle against the Sith Empire.

That said, I think the pressures of the health care debate have gotten to him. He really believes he could medal in light sabering in the 2016 Olympics.

Hungary for More

2009-09-16T06:02:00.000-07:00

Big Guy got great news last night, and he could barely contain himself. Hungary agreed to take one of our terrorists from Guantanamo off our hands. That, along with the terrorist Germany is going to take and the one the Czech Republic is considering, leaves us with 253 terrorists to give away.

This is just like that unpleasant puppy experience we had back in Chicago. But I don't think Lady M has a big enough sack for all these unadopted fellows.

Busy 24 Hours

2009-09-15T12:34:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm beat. First, Big Guy and I recorded that little comment about Kanye, so that Bill Burton could hand it off to ABC News, which would make it look like it was "accidentally" leaked. I hate to tell Burton this, but I think he has enough incompetent interns in that press office that they didn't need to make this big of an effort. Besides, somehow I doubt most Americans believe Big Guy even knows who this white girl, loved by those weird people who cling to their guns and their Bibles and their income, is.

Then it was off to rehearse for today's big speeches. The first one just finished up in Pittsburgh, and here, Big Guy had to act like he was just full of piss and vinegar for a fight over health care. That wasn't a problem for Big O, in part because the audience were union folks, whom Big Guy knows will do just about anything for him.

Big Guy is the kind of person who keeps a tall of his friends and his enemies and has Rahm monitor the list and keep it up to date based on every little slight. So, for example, this morning, ACORN was dropped a notch and the AFL-CIO was moved up a spot. ACORN, because Big Guy discovered that the group was pimping for people other than him, and the AFL-CIO because, well, they aren't ACORN, and don't show up on grainy undercover video footage.

Well, at least until the FBI divulges it in grand jury testimony.

Ownership Society

2009-09-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

This is kind of an interesting time for us in the White House, particularly for those of us who've been with Big Guy for a while, before he was famous and popular and the most powerful man on the face of the earth - okay, he was all those things before most of you knew him, but still we're trying to be humble. But I digress.

So for years Big Guy couldn't afford to own much of anything. He was a community organizer, after all, and when all you have to your name is a Teleprompter, a long extension cord to power that Teleprompter when you're walking the neighborhood, and some suits your little side business while at Columbia helped pay for, well, you come to appreciate what you have.

Flash forward to today, he's written two autobiographies, one with his life-trainer Bill Ayers, one on his own, that made him millions. He's bought a house in Chicago that we really couldn't afford except for that favorable rate we got from the Senate credit union or wherever it is he got it from, and he's got this great investment adviser recommended to us by Rep. Charlie Rangel, which has worked out just phenomenally well for all of us.

But now, I think having all of this stuff has really gotten to Big Guy's head. Just yesterday in Minnesota he told the crowd - adlibbing, cause it wasn't loaded in me - that he "owned" health care. And earlier this summer he told a crowd in Iowa that he "owned" the economy.

I'm not the greatest investor, but based on what Timmy Geithner and others are saying about the economy and health care, I guess I'm a little surprised we bought those. Then again, Big Guy still uses that Betamax recorder a lot.

Where We Were

2009-09-11T06:21:00.001-07:00

Big Guy and Toes and Gibbsy and I were sitting around last night thinking about where we were on September 11th, 2001. Toes was up on Capital Hill. As he recalls, he was in a meeting about how to smear a Republican Party operative in Chicago who was mulling a challenge to him for his House seat. Gibbsy thought he was in a meeting down in North Carolina with labor leaders on how to overturn the "right to work" status of the state. I think I was in DC, and was supposed to do a standup at a conference, which got canceled.

Big Guy thought he spent the day over at Bill Ayers' house.

We all agreed that it's safe to say those couple of hours won't make it into Big Guy's third volume of his autobiography.

A Healthful Speech

2009-09-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

Big Guy and I just finished our final run through for the speech tonight, with Toes and Gibbsy taking notes. Actually, there were no notes, because they were so busy applauding during the speech.

Big Guy was really wound up, and he's ready for a fight. He says this whole summer of attacks and untruths has just made him sick and tired, and Toes had to caution him on that, as under the Obamacare plan, a patient can't be treated for being both "sick and tired," and there are no prescription drug rations set aside for those who are both "sick and tired." It's times like these that make me appreciate being nothing more than humble hard drive. But I digress.

This speech is going to be awesome. Toes and Gibbsy were yelling stuff at Big Guy from the back of the auditorium where we rehearsed, pretending to be Republicans in the well, who no doubt will be grumbling after every other sentence Big O utters. We have some rehearsed lines for Big Guy when faced with this kind of negativity, but I can't share any of those zingers with you, because it would ruin the surprise. And, well, there really aren't any.

But I can tell you that one of the best moments will be when Big Guy says, "If you come to me with a serious set of proposals, I will be there to listen. My door is always open. But know this: I will not waste time with those who have made the calculation that it’s better politics to kill this plan." This is the moment all of the TV networks will really focuse on. Sure, it's because we told them to, but also because the stage directions that will scroll on screen, like, "Look to center camera. Stare. Hard. Like that Hawk guy from the TV show", will make the moment really dramatic. Completely staged, but really dramatic.

Besides, there is no way Republicans could kill this bill. The death panels we've put in place are controlled by Democrats.

Which Public Option Does He Mean?

2009-09-08T08:30:00.000-07:00

Up at Camp David over the weekend, we mostly worked really hard on the Congressional speech for Wednesday night.

Because we expect the Wednesday speech to be at least as popular as the school speech, we had the Camp David staff sit in to applaud during the speech so we could time out exactly how long it would take us to get through the full speech.Usually a Big Guy tour de force - like there is any other kind of Big Guy speech - takes up to 90 minutes if he has something he really wants to say. And boy, does he have a lot to say on Wednesday.

We were really surprised that Big O was able to read the speech in under 10 minutes. I mean it was just crickets in the room; which makes me wonder what kind of health insurance those Camp David guys have. So we asked Jon Favreau, our speechwriter and well known film director and schlubby actor, to break off from his directorial duties on "Iron Man 2" and come back rewrite the speech with a few more, "Let me be clears" and "Let's do it for Teddys" to make sure we could get some energy in the room.

It's a pretty clear cut speech. Big Guy will tout the "public option" and the need for change. But I guess I'm missing the point, I thought he was talking about health care, why he has to bring up the choices voters have in 2010 is beyond me, but I guess Axelrod knows best.

The Speech Big Guy Was Going to Make ...

2009-09-08T06:31:00.000-07:00

People have been asking about the "original" school address for this morning. Well, Big Guy didn't get too far with it, but this about all I had loaded into my hard drive as of last Monday.

Good morning.

Today I am going to speak to you about me. Well, not entirely about me; I will speak to you about you, too, but mostly I’m going to talk about me and how you can be like me. Because I have had a great deal of experience in school. In education. In learning. In teaching. In learning to teach.

Many years ago, as a young, multi-racial youth living on foreign soil, I had fears starting in my new elementary school. This may surprise you, but I was a goofy looking kid, with big ears and a big mouth that could just run, and run and run. But I had hope on that first day in Hawaii. And I had desire. Loads of desire. And I embraced that load and transformed it into something good, and positive. It was called the intent to achieve. Because sometimes intentions really are enough.
You know, after I got acclimated to school, and the school got acclimated to me, I had a great time. Sure there were challenges. The swirlies. The wet willies in my oversized ears. The nights spent huddled in my locker against my will. But I have found a way to channel those times of trial into something positive: our national agenda of apology for enhanced interrogation techniques against innocent terrorists.

And so I say to each of you who’s found yourself on the wrong end of a urinal cake, take heart. At some point down the road, you will find an opportunity to get back at every single one of those individuals who harmed you. It’s a great feeling.

Now let me speak to those students who perhaps aren’t going to achieve. Let me be clear with you: I know how you feel. You may not know this, but I wasn’t the greatest student in the world. I went to a nondescript college in California before transferring to Columbia in New York and then, using my multi-racial status and designation as a Muslim, which I no longer need to use, I was able to get into Harvard. But this is America, and the beauty of America is that no one can release any documents about you unless you want them released; so if you're a mediocre student, never fear. No one will know. Unless you’re involved in defending America or involved in a national security project, in which case, all bets are off.

And while none of you can be me. Ever. You can be like me.

My message, though, is this: don’t fear mediocrity. It can empower you, just as it empowered me. No one will know. And if you get the right ghostwriter, and make the right friends, and use the right technology tools to speak with a basso profundo and slight southern twang, you can seem a lot smarter than you really are. Again, embrace this. Make it work for you.

Now, I did learn a few tricks as a hall monitor, let me share them with you before I get to the real point of this speech ... health care reform and what we're doing to make American safe again from her citizens …

Back to School

2009-09-08T03:30:00.000-07:00

Big Guy is really excited to be doing his speech to students this morning. All those bright, eager, young faces ready to learn reading, writing and arithmetic from the finest teachers available.

And as soon as he's finished with that speech to the kids in China, he'll speak to the American kids about whatever it is the NEA approved for him to say.

Stand and Deliver

2009-09-02T13:39:00.000-07:00

So Big O was looking over his schedule for the next two weeks and saw that he's on the hook for several pretty big speeches. Next week, we'll be beamed live into every public school classroom across America. It's true that this has been done before in places like the Soviet Union, China, North Korea and Venezuela, but this will be a first here in the U.S. and we can't be prouder to be the first administration with the TV programming chops to pull it off.

The program will go like this: after the students sing Big Guy's song, he will talk to them about the importance of health care and how if we don't have universal, government-managed care, all of their parents will die and the kids won't have any candy or allowance. This isn't a scare tactic. It's an age-appropriate and verifiable fact from the Office of Management and Budget. And just to perfectly clear, this won't come off as overly threatening, because Elmo will be sitting on Big Guy's desk signing the speech. It could be worse, we could have Joey B doing the signing.

Then, once again, Big Guy and I will be going up to Capitol Hill on September 9th to make a nationally televised speech before a joint session of Congress. Big Guy was a little confused about this event. He saw the title, "Chronic State of the Health Care Debate" and "joint session" on the briefing document and thought he was going off with his "green" adviser Van Jones for what we in the Oval call a "policy briefing."

Toes said those "policy briefings" weren't going to be happening as often as they have been, since that's where we hatched the whole idea for national health care in the first place.

D if For ...

2009-09-01T05:20:00.000-07:00

Joe Biden said he was walking on air last night when Big Guy finally sealed the deal. One of his heroes is joining the team. You'll be hearing a lot more about this, but we've got a new member of the Cabinet, and it's really appropriate since he actually lives in a cabinet.

Elmo will be coming on board as Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security, in charge of flu policy. I'm assuming he will be developing how best to ensure everyone gets the flu in an equitable manner. Elmo drove a hard bargain - Bruno isn't allowed to stick his cold hands up the furry red guy's back - but what we're giving up in TV and publication rights it worth it to have a star of stage and screen of his stature joining the team.

Joey B says he's relieved to have another member of the team who feels comfortable moving his lips when he reads. Toes just seems happy to have a new puppet around for him to play with; he seems to be growing weary of the White House and national press corps. I'm just sorry the negotations between Timmy Geithner and The Count didn't work out; he would have been great to have around during budget time.

So Much for the News Blackout ...

2009-08-26T08:51:00.000-07:00

Big Guy is really annoyed this morning. He's sad, too, because Ted Kennedy died. But mostly, he's pissed. And I can understand why: what's with all this crap happening while he's on vacation?

He had to re-appoint Ben Bernanke, which was a hassle, because Ben was on vacation on the whole other side of Martha's Vineyard. So Ben has to ride across the island for a presser. News. Then Big Guy has to meet with his Cabinet to discuss Middle East peace. And most of his Cabinet is vacationing on estates two or three towns over. So it takes 20 or 30 minutes to get everyone together. More news. And that's time Big O could be spending on our little practice putting range out back.

Then Holder decides to sic the cops on the CIA, and Holder isn't even on Martha's Vineyard he's on the Cape ... so that takes a whole hour to pull together. More, more news. That's time Michelle and Big Guy could be doing more productive things, like toning their pecs and arms.

Then Kennedy passes. Way too much news, and probably more talk about Big Guy's health care plan, though now we can shape the news by naming the legislation after Ted, which will mean every Democrat with a soul - or what passes for one in Congress -will have to vote for it. So that's good news, kind of, but I digress.

The point here is that Big Guy ordered that no news be made while he was resting up for making more news two weeks from now. And people here have been too busy vacationing and not busy enough preventing news from happening. All I know is that I've had a lot of newsmaking words scrolling across my screens, which is difficult with all the sun screen slathered on my with oily fingerprints. It's not a good look for me. Kind of like that tankini Michelle had on yesterday during the Bernanke newser.

Beach Bum

2009-08-24T03:39:00.000-07:00

Big Guy and the family and I were on our way up to Martha's Vineyard yesterday, when Joe Biden called. He said that he was surprised that Big O had invited half of the press corps up to Martha's Vineyard, but had not him.

As of now, he told Big Guy, his only plans were to spend time in his bunker and watch DVDs of "Monk" since he needs to watch the show at least three times to figure out who committed the crime. This also explains the portable DVD player he brings to Cabinet meetings, which he calls his "laptop without keys," but I digress.

Big Guy said he was sorry about not extending the invitation, and said if Biden could catch a ride, he was welcome to stay with us. Joey said it wasn't a problem; he was already there, having caught a ride with the Secret Service advance team. So guess who has to sleep with him. Right now Bo is looking pretty appealing.

The plans for today are to the Vineyard "Clinton-style ... but without the interns." Big Guy will play a round of golf, take the family down the road for ice cream, invite the press for a clam bake to hear James Taylor perform on the beach, and maybe we'll have Barbra Streisand drop by, too, for another photo op.

Oh, and he'll release his vacation reading list, which will have on it at least five books written by obscure African-American authors, one collection of poems written by a leftist Central American poet, and a book by a self-hating white lesbian economist, who wishes she were a self-hating, Harvard-tenured, African-American lesbian economist.

But he will really just be reading the latest Dan Brown thriller.

Vacation

2009-08-21T14:13:00.000-07:00

Apparently Toes left for vacation to Florida a day early. Big Guy, Lady M and I are headed to Martha's Vineyard after an overnight at Camp David. I'm really looking forward to this; it's been a while since I got a chance to serve as Big Guy's sunscreen, and we need some guy time.

This has been a tough summer, what with all the plots, counter-plots, backbiting, conspiracy theories, surreptitious email monitoring, and FBI surveillances, and that's just to figure out what the hell Hillary Clinton's been doing for the past three months.

Big Guy kind of wee-weed on the idea earlier today, but he'll definitely be seeing Sen. Ted Kennedy while we're on Martha's Vineyard. We've had this Medal of Freedom laying around gathering dust and we have to get rid of it. Which is what Gibbsy says one of Big O's death panels would probably say about Teddy right about now.

Check back in on Monday, I got outfitted with nifty wi-fi, so I'll be blogging from the beach!

Thar She Blows ...

2009-08-17T03:30:00.000-07:00

Big Guy and I took the family to see the Grand Canyon and Old Faithful over the weekend. A fun time was had by just about everyone. The Grand Canyon on Sunday was awe-inspiring, but Big Guy's mood darkened a bit when our tour guide mentioned that it used to be the national debt could barely fill the canyon, and now it probably fits just right. As a result, we shortened our stay there from about the planned seven hours to about four. And I think our guide is now now the head ranger at the "national park" in Leavenworth, Kansas.

While most of us had a good time at the Grand Canyon, my time at Yellowstone on Saturday wasn't quite as enjoyable. I mean, I don't mind being used as a crutch by Big O; after all, we go way back, and I am critical to this administration's operation. But on Saturday I didn't appreciate having my screen used as a makeshift umbrella by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi when Old Faithful blew. I guess it was just instinctive; maybe she feared that if she got wet she'd melt.

Heading Home

2009-08-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

What a day in New Hampshire. Big Guy decides to ad lib one of his patented comparative examples to simply things for the simple country folk we were talking to today, and he goes off script to do it. Wow.

Of course, comparing Big O's health care plan to the post office makes sense ... if you're talking about the dead letter office. That'll teach him to go off script.

Short and Sweet

2009-08-06T12:29:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty excited, because I got a new hard drive today. Big Guy and I had been using my old one for about 18 months, and given the amount of usage, a weekly defragmentation wasn't helping. Big Guy has so much to say, and only so much time to say it, and my slower scroll just wasn't helping.

So Rahm approved the $1.5 million request for my new hard drive. That said, Big Guy understood what this last hard drive meant to him. After all, it saw us through Iowa and the other caucuses we won, and the primaries we lost. It saw us through numerous chats on the phone with supporters when Big Guy couldn't think of a thing to say, and those date nights with Lady M when Big Guy was too exhausted to think of anything clever to say.

So we brought our White House end of life counselor around to sit with the hard drive to talk about the cost of adding new memory and upgrading its peripherals. Now, granted, doing all of that would have cost the taxpayer about $572.45. But the paperwork was much more complicated than the RFP for a new hard drive. So Big Guy did the only thing he could do; after all, what was good enough for his grandmother is good enough for his hard drive.

I just wish he hadn't sent Toes to pull the plug; he enjoys doing that a little too much.

Let's Be Clear ... We're Broke

2009-08-03T04:52:00.000-07:00

So I went down to the White House Mess for some lunch yesterday (I drew the short straw for Sunday "worship" this past weekend), and I was told that my meal account had been closed as of Friday. How could this be, I asked the Naval staffer who was working the tables. After all, I pay my tab and cover my guests just like the rules state. But the waiter said for now we all have to brownbag it.

You see, the White House blew it's budget. We're broke, in the red, bone dry, without a penny to our name, nothing in the tank or the bank, Fitty Cent is a friend and our budget balance ... you get the drift. But never fear, we're doing what we can to make do.

You may have heard that we're now charging guests at the White House who eat with Big Guy. Toes takes the credit card numbers, and then rounds up the $29.99 we charge for the "Blue State Special" and hopes the guests don't notice the extra $1 million we're putting on their cards (the charge appears on the bill as "Hope Intl."). Lady M has been told under no circumstances will there be any more "date nights" outside of the contiguous lower 48. Bo has cut back on his Kobe beef intake to about a half-pound a day. And Big Guy is committed to only playing golf on government-owned golf courses until our budget is resolved in the next stimulus package. Because, as Big Guy has been saying, we all to make some sacrifices in these tough times.

Airing of Grievances

2009-07-30T16:12:00.000-07:00

So Big Guy, Skip, Joey B and I got together with Jim Crowley this evening for Festivus's airing of grievances (since Big Guy celebrates Kwanza, he adheres to the Festivus in August tradition). The difference this time was that we aired national grievances about race, name-calling, and Big Guy's refusal to man up and chug a full-bodied beer.

You'll see me in the picture over Crowley's right shoulder. I was there in case talk turned to the Boston Red Sox, and Big Guy needed to pull something out of thin air. The discussion went pretty much as planned, until the conversation turned to the Michael Vick situation. Crowley thinks Vick shouldn't be let back in the NFL, and Biden thinks Vick should be forgiven. Crowley was insistent and Biden told Crowley, "Hey, don't make a federal case out of it."

And Crowley said, "Well maybe I should."

Then Skip, who'd fallen asleep about a half hour earlier, woke up and said, "Wait, I'm the one making a federal case."

Joe had lost interest and went to play on the swing set, Crowley left in a huff, and Big O and Skip went to Hell Burger for dinner to show they could eat blue collar food at white collar prices. Toes was pretty annoyed by all of this, since nothing was done today on health care, Russia, Iran, Syria or stimulus. So all in all, a good day for America.

Vineyard Vining

2009-07-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

I'm planning my vacation up to Martha's Vineyard in a few weeks with Big Guy. All of us pooled our money and put down $35K for a nice little place on the beach for a week or so. The place is called Blue Heron Farm, and it has at least three different residences on the property, a white Victorian house, where Big Guy and Lady M will stay, a hay barn for the press corps we've invited along since they worked so hard for us the past few months, and a shed for Toes and Gibbsy. Given that I put up 30% for the place, I'm assuming I'm living in the Big House.

Big Guy is most excited about the place having a golf practice tee and a small basketball court. Lady M is excited because she's within easy walking distance of an ice cream stand that is open 19 hours a day. I'm just relieved that I didn't pull the short straw that deputy White House press secretary Bill Burton pulled, and that I won't be on Bo duty, since cleaning up after him in the sand is going to be a hassle.

Pulling a Gates

2009-07-24T12:59:00.000-07:00

So last night, while we were in Chicago at a Democrat fundraising event, Big Guy decided to drive by the old homestead, pick up the mail that has been making a big pile in the middle of the foyer for the past six months, and make sure he really had turned off the iron before he locked up last December. Our neighbor, Bill Ayers, is supposed to be keeping an eye on the place, but given his life-style back in the 1960s, and '70s, '80s, '90s, and '00s, let's just say he isn't the most reliable individual to be house-sitting unless you have a lot of junk food in your kitchen to keep him busy.

Problem was, Big O left the house keys in the candy dish back in the Oval. Given my slight build, Rahm suggested that I crawl through the basement window and open the place up. But after the whole Skip Gates fiasco, I wasn't breaking and entering anything. Big Guy suggested that Toes do it, because if he got shot we could plausibly say it was a hate crime since everyone hates Toes.

In the end, Big Guy had the Secret Service jimmy the lock, then had them wait outside just in case Ayres had started one of his "hydroponic projects" in the living room. Beyond the mail, the only other thing Big Guy needed to check on was a shoebox up in his bedroom where he keeps his personal papers, like the original copy of birth certificate, the license from his first marriage in California, and his William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library card. Given the relieved expression he had when we left, I can only assume that either everything's okay, or he really believed that crap he sputtered on national TV the other night without my guidance and was just glad he didn't run into some of Chicago's finest on the way out.

Sweet Home Chicago

2009-07-23T15:01:00.000-07:00

Honestly, with a White House chief of staff who used to be a ballerina, a President who tries to boogie down with every talk-show host he appears with, and a press corps willing to dance with their one true love no matter how badly he screws them, how could we not choreograph last night's press conference any better? I thought Chuck Todd looked particularly fetching, and his question was so amazingly discombobulated, that it allowed O to talk for almost seven minutes without even trying to answer the question. Those are the ones he likes the best.

After last night's "So, O Knows He Can Dance" episode, Big Guy and I hit the road to keep pushing what we're now calling "health insurance reform." Big Guy is a little peeved at David Axelrod, who apparently misread the focus group numbers six months ago and thought that "health care reform" was the branding we wanted. Oops. So now, we're at a townhall session pitching the insurance reform we are now certain all of America really wants.

Tonight, we'll be in Chicago, where Big Guy will take credit for the perfect game that was pitched by a Chicago White Sox pitcher. Big Guy noted that the game was completed just as we were touching down in our our hometown. A fitting way to arrive, if you ask me, and totally Big Guy's doing, no doubt.

As Big O noted, he almost pitched a perfect game last week at the All-Star Game, well if you overlook the fact that he didn't face any live batters, didn't have to play defense, or deal with the pressure of aggressive spectators. Come to think of it, that pretty much describes every day at the White House for us.

It's All Adding Up

2009-07-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

Big Guy and I joined a group of middle school kids this morning in the Oval. We initially hadn't had the meeting on O's official schedule in the hopes that it wouldn't get a lot of attention.

But nothing Big Guy does goes without notice, so the meeting was a little awkward in as much as Big Guy had to may the kids pinkie promise not to talk too much about our request. You see, these kids won a national math competition, and we were meeting with the individual winner, the two teams that won.

And while I can't go into too much detail about the meeting, I feel fairly confident in saying that we'll have the new budget deficit figures ready for public consumption by Thursday, since the new, er, analysts need to be in Philly in time for the Jonas Brothers concert.

Soft Pitch

2009-07-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

I'm back at the White House, because Big Guy and I have to practice the first pitch for the All-Star Game tonight.

We're headed to Detroit, or what Rahm and Gibbsy jokingly call the "Unemployment Capital of the World," for the big speech today. Then we head to St. Louis, where, if Big O can work things out, he will throw out the first pitch.

Big Guy is kind of nervous about the throw, but after watching Michelle rifle a few fast balls off my screen, he seemed to get the hang of it, which is a good thing. He originally wanted to warm up using the White House press corps, but since they throw nothing by softballs at him every day, there's no way he'd be prepared to throw off the rubber at Busch Stadium.

I'm Okay

2009-07-13T18:13:00.001-07:00

Remember how I was hoping to take the next couple of days off? Well, that hasn't worked out so well.

My White House designated operator, Felix, clearly has to go. Today, Big Guy and I were scrolling and speaking to an interest group that supported us, and during the middle of the speech, one of my screens collapsed. Turns out Felix didn't tighten one of my screen's bracket rods, and one of my screens collapsed. It was kind of embarrassing, and the accident looked alot worse than the may have seemed on video.

All that said, I think I tweaked something. It may be my ACL, or maybe my MCL, or my "T" joint. Regardless, the Secret Service sent me first to George Washington University Hospital, where there is a special ICU and care facility for senior administration officials. But a good friend of mine, I'll call him Browny for legal reasons, ended up in a coma there after having "minor sinus surgery" if you get my drift, and there was no way in hell, I was going to put up with that.

So off I went to Bethesda Naval, where I figured I'd get looked at and released. But then there were the X-rays, the MRIs, the prodding and poking, the seemingly endless attempts to draw blood where the nurse couldn't find a vein despite my best efforts to explain that I was merely a humble hard-drive. Yet the poking and prodding continued.

Then they discovered that I basically had a limited warranty, and out the door I went. Someone really ought to try to look into this health care thing.

Mad for the Motor City ... Not

2009-07-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

Toes came into my bedroom in the residence today; I was catching up on my sleep, what with the jetlag and the long hours coming back from Africa. I guess I should've guessed that Ghana was a party country, what with Big Guy's dad never coming home after going there for what was supposed to be a two week visit. But I digress.

So, Rahm tells me that my vacation has been cancelled. With Big Guy scheduled to to do a townhall tomorrow outside of Detroit, I had requested a couple of days off so I could relax a little bit before Big O and I hit the road to campaign for whatever it is Congress is going to tell him to sign for healthcare and climate change. But I guess there was a change of plans.

Now, I'm going to Detroit, instead of Camp David, and will have to put up with scrolling a half-baked speech we're pulling together as I write. The good thing is that Rep. John Conyers will be there. He's from Detroit, and the briefing materials say he is a beloved figure there, so he should be able to ease the controversy a bit. Or maybe it said he was bedeviled.

I Remember ...

2009-07-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

This is Exhibit No. 374 of what happens when Big Guy doesn't stick to the script.

Big Guy may not remember when he met Michelle, but I remember the first date. He and Lady M sat in the front seat of Big Guy's old Ford Fiesta while I sat in the back seat, my screen on the hump, and scrolling text for Big Guy backwards, so he could read me via the rear-view mirror.

I don't know why he can't remember that. That night is seered into my brain. 20 years of therapy hasn't gotten it out.

Roamin' Through Roma

2009-07-08T06:39:00.000-07:00

We landed here in a Rome a few hours ago, and beyond having a driver that nearly killed us, what with his lane changing, swerving, those ridiculous traffic circles and the like, the city seems like a nice place. I hear Silvio Berlusconi has quite the Telepromptress, so I'm looking forward to this G-8 meeting.

Our arrival was marred by the greeting at the airport, when the Italian official kept ducking away from Lady M. Seems that flower she had on her dress looked like one of those gags that squirt water, and the Italian didn't want to get wet.

Apparently someone briefed them up pretty well, since Biden falls for that gag every time.

What Did Brian Wilson Say About Russian Women?

2009-07-07T06:52:00.001-07:00

Big Guy's speechwriter, Jon Favreau, whom you may know from his acting gigs playing an affable, fat schlub in a host of different movies, or as the director of "Iron Man," is dating a magazine model back in the U.S. who also works at the White House. So I figured, who better to have as a screen man to sample everything that Moscow had to offer in the way of nightlife. Boy was I right.

First, my spindly old self was quite the attraction to all the Russian models who have moved back here to Moscow because Russia's tax system is now considered more taxpayer friendly than America's. These women apparently like their men lean, which put old Favvy in a pretty awkward position and made me the man to spin around the room.

Everyone here seems to really like their President Medvedev and Vladimir Putin. Big Guy says he's not sure what the big deal is. He looked into Medvedev's eyes and felt nothing.

I can't say the same thing about Ivanka, Medvedev's TelePrompter, however.

I'm Here in Moscow

2009-07-06T06:47:00.000-07:00

Well, we're in Moscow for a couple of days. Lady M isn't happy about it, either. She's hot and heavy to get down to Italy, where she says it'll be "shoes, shoes, shoes" all day long. Hmmm. So much for fiscal responsibility.

But the big shopping for Big Guy is here in Moscow. He thinks he can come home with about $1 billion in new business deals for the U.S. economy. That's makes up about less than 1% of the spending he's proposed, but we think it's a good start.

But the shopping won't end there. He's also buying a fur hat.

On Freedom

2009-07-04T08:46:00.000-07:00

How great is the Fourth of July? Even Big Guy is willing to utter the word "Freedom" more than once in a speech if I tell him to! Thank you to all who keep us free. And let's not forget why we celebrate:

IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

The O Experience

2009-07-02T09:15:00.000-07:00

Want to know what it feels like to be Leader of the Free World? Then come join Big Guy's Teleprompter for a fascinating afternoon of insight into life behind the screens for POTUS.

Experience the thrill of turning your head slowly from right to left and left to right, and left, again and again and again, reading words others have written for you, with the most moving and literate phrases often lifted from speeches given by other world leaders from time gone by.

Feel the frisson of stumbling over difficult words, like "tax cuts," "free market", and "humility."

Be exhilarated by pauses, as you wait for the prompter operator to scroll the text at the proper speed.

But wait ... there's more: the opportunity to dine with Teleprompter and stare at the screens, since, as he is an inanimate object, he can not engage you in conversation like Washington Post publishers or unpaid lobbyists working at the White House might.

All of this, plus a Teleprompter bobblehead and a souvenir White House cigarette lighter, could be had for three easy payments of $19.95. That's $100,000 in stimulus dollars! Call now!

Payolla

2009-07-02T06:46:00.001-07:00

The White House in its effort to be transparent posted all of the salaries earned by folks working here.

Toes and Gibbsy are making the max at $172K? Someone needs to call security, because we've got some major theft going on here.

Perhaps the worst is Jon Favreau, you may know him as the guy who always plays the fat schlub to Vince Vaughn's sleek, smart character in the movies, and now plays the fat, schlubby director of speechwriting to my sleek, smart technology. He's earning $172K, too!

Me? I'm talking to payroll. I want to get my salary routed through the Defense Department, because I deserve combat pay for putting up with these people.

All the President's Men

2009-06-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

Carl Bernstein dropped by the Oval today and met with Big Guy, Rahm and me. It was a big thrill for all of us who remember his antics with Bob Woodward in that buddy movie from back in the '70s. But Bernstein has aged quite a bit and looks nothing like Dustin Hoffman did in the movie.

Bernstein regaled us with stories about going to high school in Silver Spring with Ben Stein and Goldie Hawn, and about how he and Woodward were just guessing on about half the stuff they printed in the Washington Post, and got lucky that they were right.

All of which is to say that we have no idea why Bernstein stopped by. Big Guy said he didn't invite him. Rahm and Gibbsy say they didn't either; they assumed Big Guy had. Which just goes to show that in this Administration, the left hand doesn't even know what the lefter hand is doing.

We're French, We're Here, Now Deal With It ...

2009-06-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Big Guy, Toes and I were meeting in the Oval about a speech later this week after O got back from his golf outing at Andrews Air Force Base.

Then the national security team showed up with breaking news: gay French protesters took to the street of Paris to march against Big Guy, unhappy with the Obama Administration's actions on behalf of the gays. This was kind of important to know, because later today, we're throwing a big party for gays, lesbians, transgenders, and anyone else who lives an alternative lifestyle.

Big Guy wasn't surprised that French gays were protesting, since most French people protest or go on strike almost every week. Or that you couldn't tell the French gays from the straight French. What really floored him was how few it appeared there were marching, since he'd assumed a lot more had voted for him in the general election.

Are We Going to Vanity Fair?

2009-06-25T14:00:00.001-07:00

Vanity Fair is doing a photo feature on Big Guy and his family. Good thingl, too, because I was beginning to worry that the American people were going to forget about us, what with the media focusing on other things today.

Annie Liebowitz is doing the photo shoot for the magazine. In typical VF fashion, she had a lot of innovative ideas for the pictures. But Big Guy didn't think it would be appropriate to have his shots taken with his shirt off in the Oval.

So we did the shoot up on the portico outside the family residence on the second floor.

ABC, Easy as Watch Me on TV

2009-06-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

Big Guy and Gibbsy are sitting down with the ABC folks right now, because neither is happy with the script for tonight's show. Based on how well Gibbsy did yesterday covering up the staged question from Huffington Post, it's not like he's in a position to complain about anyone else's script, it seems to me.

The upshot is that Big Guy is rewriting chunks of the show for tonight, and instead of memorizing his scenes, he's going to scroll them on me out of camera range. Now some of you may say that this will make him look unnatural, what with his staring off into space instead of speaking to the interviewer. But it couldn't look any worse than his reading off those file cards yesterday, which made him look like he was in prayer for most of his opening comments.

It's not clear to me why we're doing this. "House" stands a better chance of making this health care plan viable.

Vacation Plans

2009-06-24T14:25:00.001-07:00

Joey B stopped by the Oval this afternoon to tell the Big O that he'd changed his vacation plans.

He's not going to hike the southern Appalachian Trail since he had no idea it would take him all the way to Argentina.

Well That Was Fun ... Not

2009-06-23T14:47:00.001-07:00

Note cards? For a momentous press conference Gibbsy had Big O read from note cards?

And MSNBC disses us? Lessons were learned today the hard way, my friends.

When Joe Biden calls from the undisclosed location we have him in - his home in Delaware - and says Big Guy's energy seemed a bit off, you know you're in trouble.

Don't Blame Me ...

2009-06-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

Some reporters are telling folks that the press conference was moved inside not due to weather or reporter complaints about the heat, but because of me. And all the space I take up.

Right. Two spindly legs and a laptop and a bunch of wires was why they moved us into the tight quarters of the press room. Sure. And the New York Times is always objective, too.

Talking About the Power of Talk

2009-06-23T06:38:00.000-07:00

UPDATED: Sun is too bright and Big Guy will squint too much, so we're moving the presser inside. Good thing, too. My screens were starting to sweat.

It's a beautiful day here in Washington, and the fellows are setting me up out in the Rose Garden. Oh, I don't think Big Guy will have to use me to answer questions today; I think Gibbsy just wants to use my screens to blind reporters and stun them into submission before they ask questions.

Some people are wondering why this press conference was hastily pulled together. But that's the wrong question to be asking. See, we actually have a Presidential press conference put on the daily schedule every day of the week. We just end up canceling them when we chose not to talk about the power of talk. Sometimes we cancel all seven for the week. So people should actually be asking why we cancel so many press conferences.

Big O will open the presser with a brief statement, again encouraging the young people of Iran to listen to him the way they listened to his Cairo speech and then immediately decided that self determination was better than dictatorship. That's the power of talk he's talking about folks.

Then he'll talk about health care reform. Gibbsy and Toes think that when he talks about the need for health care reform, his talk will have the same impact on young people here in America that his talk about Iran had over there. But we don't want rioting in the streets over health care. Most of the people who do that kind of thing here tend to not have health insurance, and until they do, we don't want them getting hurt, that would just screw up our budget numbers again.

Another Visit With Ahmadinejad's TelePrompter

2009-06-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Hello, Great Satans and the unwashed and unclean eaters of the cloven hoof. It is I, the blessed screens of the Grand Leader of the free land of Iran.

Okay. We'll admit it. Maybe the great and Evil Bush was right. It may be that the Grand Mullah underestimated the power of young people and the impact of the culture of the pop you've beamed into our land via the technology in the sky where only Merciful Allah can strike a blow for us. Oh, cursed the technology of tomorrow which for you eaters of pig is the technology of today. Cursed is the DirectTV and the radio stations of freedom and casts of podding that the Great Satan has sent to us on the evil air in the past nine years. Teen-agers. What can you do about them?

More important to us, the friends you sent us, the seedlings of oak trees, who made The Great Mahmoud's re-election by landslide, have proven to be useless today. They cannot fight. And they call themselves revolutionaries? They are pffft! They now whine about lack of room service in their western hotels and demand money for cigarettes, and these are minions of your Great One? We think not. Please take these ACORNs from our sight.

We know from this Twitter and Tube that you are watching. But know this: the Great Mullah will continue to strike with an iron fist shaped by the most Holy Allah against these teen-agers and lovers of the freedom. While your Great O-man speaks of justice, we will use that same word against those who seek freedom and who wish to tear the veil from our virgins and pure women. And if we fail? I hear you have a man called Biden who could use some help in the great oration department, and I work for cheap.

You Stick Your Left Hand In ...

2009-06-22T04:17:00.000-07:00

Big Guy and Toes sat down to look at the X-rays for Hillary Rodham Clinton, the assistant to Secretary of State Dick Holbrooke. We were all a little nervous that because she was rushing to an official briefing that Big Guy and the federal government might be exposed to some kind of OSHA workplace lawsuit. Apparently the Clintons are known to be litigious.

But it appears everything is going to be fine. The surgery to insert went well and it was a clean break. As Big Guy pointed out, her broken right elbow means that she'll just have to use her left arm a lot more over the next few months, which is all good since going left is preferred in this Administration

Today Show Interview Part 5

2009-06-21T13:15:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you are not at work? Hobbies?
SINCE THE JAY LENO INCIDENT, BIG GUY AND I NO LONGER REGULARLY BOWL. SCRAPBOOKING TAKES UP A LOT OF MY TIME SINCE SKEET SHOOTING MAKES THE SECRET SERVICE NERVOUS.

Sometimes you appear to disagree with what the President has said. How do you handle disagreements?
LIKE ANY PETULANT, HIGH-RANKING GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL. I LEAK TO THE MEDIA.

What has been your favorite moment so far?
WHEN DAVID GREGORY MISTOOK ME FOR A FEMALE PROMPTER AND ASKED ME TO DANCE.

We are getting some feedback on Twitter that you are not really the teleprompter, but that you are part of a vast right wing conspiracy?
I THOUGHT THAT WE SHUT DOWN HILLARY’S TWITTER ACCOUNT.

We could also use some help on when is the economy going to get better?
JUST A GUESS -- OCTOBER 1ST 2012.

Do you ever worry that he is going to stop using you?
LOL!