I'm Back ... With Real News!

Sorry I've been away for so long.  But we've been busy, what with fixing the Obamacare website, the IRS website, the OPM website, the Pentagon's website ... oops, forget that one.  And don't get me started about Hillary's server.  Actually, I'll get started on the server, since technically, and mean that to mean from a technical standpoint, I have had access to that server for quite some time. Ever since Big Guy ordered the NSA to track Hillary, we've been getting fed all of her email, Instagram and Facebook posts and Tweets.  So as a public service, I'm going to start posting some of the exchanges, if nothing else to put the American public at ease that there was absolutely nothing of national security importance on that server.  Your welcome.

From: Clinton, Hillary R. [mailto:shudabeenprez@clinton.state.com]
Sent: August 19, 2012 07:31 PM Eastern Standard Time
To: Sullivan, Jake; Abedin, Huma
Subject: Hacking

LOL!  MAO! 

I am laughing out loud and my ass is off over this memo on how the Chinese are hacking our State Department servers.  Glad we’re not on those systems!   
 

From: Sullivan, Jake
Sent: August 19, 2011 07:34 PM Eastern Standard Time
To: Clinton, Hillary R.; Abedin, Huma
Subject: Re: Hacking

Ha!  Glad you thought of it boss!

 

From: Abedin, Huma
Sent: August 19, 2011 07:40 PM Eastern Standard Time
To: Clinton, Hillary R.; Sullivan, Jake
Subject: Re: Re: Hacking

 
Me, too!!!  BTW My extra paycheck hasn’t showed up yet and Anthony’s Ashley Madison account is passed due.  Need it ASAP.

 

From: Soleimani, Qassem
Sent: August 19, 2011 07:55 PM Eastern Standard Time
To: Clinton, Hillary R.; Sullivan, Jake; Abedin, Huma
Subject: Fwd: Re: Re: Hacking

 

My dearest Hillary Clinton, I’ve been reading your emails for quite some time and, frankly, they are driving me nuts.  So while this a breach of online hacking protocol, please allow me to note...

Your mis-use of texting acronyms is so annoying that it just reinforces why the west must burn. LOL and MAO simply shouldn’t be used in the way you are using them. And then you just write it out anyway.  WTF?  And your staff isn’t any better and isn't helping by encouraging you.

Also, in other emails you make cultural references from the early 1970s that bring back bad memories of the Shah and his insistence on having Fleetwood Mac cover bands at his dinners. you know how that ended.  Out of respect for those of us who to read all this crap, please stop.

BTW: those selfies you send Huma of you trying on yoga pants are why we won’t negotiate a nuclear deal.

And Huma, with all due respect, TMI. And ick.

Feel free to call me on my cell should you need additional guidance.  Cheers!

 

Maj. Gen. Qassem Soleimani

Iranian Army of the Guardians of the Islamic Revolution, Quds Force
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