Of Gibbsy's Hand Job and Other Slights Perceived and Otherwise

So everyone was talking about how impressive Gov. Sarah Palin was speaking off the cuff and off her hand the other night.  Big whoop.  It may be true that any intelligent and well seasoned politician can speak that way from a few notes and nothing more.  But it takes a true leader to speak every word scrolling across a screen, unafraid to reveal his incapacity to "ad lib." At least that's what Rahm was telling Big Guy to get him to come out from under the desk to rehearse his morning banter with me before breakfast this morning.

Everyone is joking about the Palin hand notes. I, for one, don't find any of it funny; in fact, I think it's kind of demeaning.  Not to the Governor, but to me.

So Gibbsy thinks it's funny today to walk out to the press corps (pronounced "corpse" here at the White House now).  He flashes his two notes on his hand, and then hears the groans from the reporters.  Nice. Once again, Gibbsy shows that he can never intentionally be funny.

Everyone is asking me why Big Guy doesn't use his hand when he speaks, since I have become such a running joke for him.  Think about it, how are we going to get one hour's worth of notes onto his hand?  To hire a staff to do that would require way too much stimulus dollars than this country can afford. About the best we could is "Let me be clear ...."  And that won't work. Heck, that's how we got into this mess to begin with.

We Aren't Ready for Some Football

Well, it's Super Bowl weekend, and that means that with Lady M on her obesity jihad, Big Guy and I won't be eating any chicken wings or seven layer dip any time soon.  She's being a pretty big killjoy this year, particularly since we're having a bunch of our bipartisan friends over to watch the game on the 60-inch, hi-def screen we have in the room the previous administration used for "national security briefings."  We've been using the room as a home entertainment center, since it's closer to the residence, and you don't have to go down four flights of stairs to the real home theater in the basement. Besides, it isn't like we've had any national security events, so why waste a perfectly good piece of technology.

While we're calling this a bipartisan party, I think we all know that that isn't the case. I mean, Congressman "Joseph" Cao, who represents parts of New Orleans, is invited, but only because we learned he was snowed in and couldn't get to Miami, and because in order for this to be considered an official White House event we needed someone of Southeast Asian descent to be here. This way, the party can be paid for using taxpayer dollars instead of out of Big Guy's pocket.

So we've got Cao coming and then we've got people we actually want to spend time with. Folks like Rep. Xavier Becerra (he takes care of our Latino quota), some Democrats from Indiana, half the Cabinet, including Bruno, and Sen. Chris Dodd, because we know he'll bring enough beer to keep the par-tay going. Bruno, who spent most of the week in Miami hanging bunting in the stadium, brought back some cool decorations to spruce up the room.

But the highlight of the day will be watching Big Guy do his pre-game interview with CBS News diva Katie Couric.  Not because he has any great insights into the game, but because he's going to announce an Executive Order that will make a dramatic change in the way Super Bowl Sunday unfolds. He's really the only leader with the vision and ability to pull it off.  See, instead of settling the game on the field, he's inviting the Colts and Saints to the White House to negotiate the winner of the Super Bowl over beers and organic hummus dip.

By doing it this way, it gives him at least eight extra hours to keep working for the American people instead of watching a game, and it means the American people have that much more time to be focused on finding jobs or earning more income to pay their taxes. We all win. Well, except for the team that doesn't negotiate well enough to win the championship.

Revenue Hunting

Big Guy released his budget today. He spent a lot of time this weekend - in between going to the Duke-Georgetown basketball game, watching basketball on TV, watching HBO, then Sportscenter, then doing research on the Pro Bowl for our fantasy pool, then actually watching the Pro Bowl - working on cutting all that fat from the budget. I think people are going to love what they see.

It's not like Big Guy isn't aware of the fiscal mess we are in. People have been noticing how he has been bowing when he meets even U.S. officials, like mayors or governors. But he's not bowing. That's just the way he walks so that he gets first dibs on dropped change.

Tonight's Big Speech

Wow, what a day. Big Guy and I have been busy for hours rehearsing this State of the Union Address. I hope all of you are ready, because it's going to be a long one. I mean, really long.

Just to prepare, we had Toes and Gibbsy and a few other staffers sit in on the rehearsals this afternoon. If you factor in the 43 standing ovations and 35 other applause lines we counted ourselves, this speech could go on for hours.

Now I should tell you that there is no truth to the rumors that Big Guy is going to not be using me tonight, or that he's giving me up for one of those newfangled iPads. Let's face it. The man does only a few things well, and he's going to announce that he's not going to spend any more of your money. Without the spending, that's leaves reading from my screens as the only skill for which he seems to have any aptitude. Well, there's also being patronizing, but as Toes says, that's less of a skill than a natural talent for Big Guy. All in all, I think I'm safe.

You may be wondering what Big Guy is going to talk about tonight. Well, he's going to talk a lot about taxes and jobs, especially how he's going to use the same formula we used in New Hampshire's 73rd Congressional District, where in a matter of days last October we achieved almost full employment. He's also, out of concern for national security, going to call for the strengthening of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Now some people might look at that as just a shout out to his girl Ellen, since we're basically sucking up the "American Idol" time slot. But, no, we're not talking about the one about gays in the military. We're talking about the the new White House policy that means we won't have to keep hearing about that pesky "transparency in government" issue all the time.

Finally, Big Guy's biggest mission tonight is to show that he understands that Americans are angry with him, as well as the failed Bush Administration and its failed policies that failed. Big O feels the best way he can do this is by explaining to his fellow citizens why they are mad. Which brings me back to giving Big Guy something to do: because if he can't spend your tax dollars, and you don't want him reading off my screens, being patronizing may be the only thing left he can give to his country. And in that regard we all know Big Guy has a lot to give.

I'm Back. Recharged. Ready for Tomorrow Night

Wow. Is it only 2010? Given the mood around here in the Oval, you would've thought we'd already seen the outcome of the mid-term elections.

As you can probably guess, since the holidays, we've all been hunkered down here. Big Guy and Toes didn't take kindly to the way we were treated up in New Jersey and in Virginia with those states races. And now we've got some guy from Massachusetts double parking his truck infront of the White House so Big O's agenda can't get moving.

Well, all of that is going to change tomorrow night. Big Guy and I have been working tirelessly for the past three weeks with world-renowned film director, lovable character actor and speechwriter Jon Favreau on the State of the Union address, and it's a doozey.

For example, Big Guy spent a lot of time working on this new middle class tax cut plan he'll roll out tomorrow. He and Timmy Geithner and Biden worked for days trying to figure out the best policy approach. Big Guy wanted to cut taxes 10 percent. Biden said that wasn't enough for blue collar folk, and said 20 percent. Timmy tried to split the baby and go with 15 percent.

In the end, all of the proposals just seemed unworkable to Big Guy, not because he's a socialist or anything, but because he realized to cut taxes, you actually have to have people making enough money to pay taxes.

It's the Chicago Way

TSA has been in the news a lot lately, and none of it has been good news from Big Guy's perspective.  Last night, in between the champagne, the late night walk on the beach, which led to three canceled national security briefings, more champagne and a game of Twister, Big Guy talked to Gibbsy about trying to get better PR for an agency that was getting way too much PR.  Good luck with that.

Now comes word that some people on Capitol Hill think our nominee to head TSA, Erroll Souther, might not be the best guy for the job to protect people's privacy.  It seems when he was an FBI agent he accessed his ex-wife's boyfriend's criminal record, and he wasn't authorized to do that.  That was 20 years ago, and now everyone is up in arms about it.

I would have thought that a year into our administration, most people would have figured out how we work. See, Big Guy comes from Chicago, where the old fable about the fox guarding the hen house is taken pretty seriously as an approach to good government.  Big O nominated Timmy Geithner, who was a tax cheat, to oversee our economy and tax policy. Who better to understand how to stop cheaters, than to hire one of the best cheaters in the country to run the agency?  Democrats hate the Pentagon, so who better than a Republican, Bob Gates, to run DoD, since he probably respects the military?  Who better to understand the lax border policies of DHS than a governor who encouraged lax border policies, and now you have the perfect job for former Arizona governor Bruno.

So in the case of TSA, you have Souther, who clearly doesn't respect anyone's privacy. nominated for a job that will allow him, thanks to full body screening machines, to see just about everyone's most intimate privates whenever he wants. Who better to know what to do with all those photos? 

This is just the way Chicago political mind works, but sometimes you don't need to pretzel logic it that much.  After a strong, effective Vice President like Dick Cheney, Big Guy simply went in the opposite direction. Hence the Biden pick.

Rush to Judgement

One little Nigerian getting on a big plane to fly into Detroit is one thing.  But when a known political agitator like Rush Limbaugh is allowed to travel to the same island as Big Guy, without any screening or intelligence briefing, that's when you see the steely leadership of Big O.

I don't think I'm breaking Top Secret secrets, but let me tell you, this Rush situation is a real window into how Big Guy operates.

Almost immediately after learning Rush has been rushed to the hospital for care of possible heart attack symptoms, Big Guy had questions, like, "Please tell me it's life-threatening," and "I thought I barred government assassinations of enemies of the state," and "Is this the hospital where I was allowed to pull the plug on Grammy, and if so, when can I go visit Rush to give him my best?"  He had others, too, but given operational security, I can't share them with you.

Perhaps those weren't the most pertinent questions, but you can see how Big Guy was focused like a laser on the immediate threat, particularly since, with Rush being bedridden, on blood-thinners and with both sides of his brain likely tied behind his back, this could provide Big Guy his best opportunity to best him.  Assuming I was there to lend a hand.  But as Gibbsy said during our third briefing on the matter before Big Guy went snorkling, "Likely isn't a certainty at all."

While Rush is clearly a sore point with Big Guy, Rush is aces in my book.  He helped promote this site and encouraged me to be open about the goings on in the Oval.

I wish him speedy recovery, and I will do my best to distract Big Guy once he's back from seashell-necklace-stringing class with Lady M.

And Happy New Year to you all.