Thursday, December 31, 2009

Rush to Judgement

One little Nigerian getting on a big plane to fly into Detroit is one thing.  But when a known political agitator like Rush Limbaugh is allowed to travel to the same island as Big Guy, without any screening or intelligence briefing, that's when you see the steely leadership of Big O.

I don't think I'm breaking Top Secret secrets, but let me tell you, this Rush situation is a real window into how Big Guy operates.

Almost immediately after learning Rush has been rushed to the hospital for care of possible heart attack symptoms, Big Guy had questions, like, "Please tell me it's life-threatening," and "I thought I barred government assassinations of enemies of the state," and "Is this the hospital where I was allowed to pull the plug on Grammy, and if so, when can I go visit Rush to give him my best?"  He had others, too, but given operational security, I can't share them with you.

Perhaps those weren't the most pertinent questions, but you can see how Big Guy was focused like a laser on the immediate threat, particularly since, with Rush being bedridden, on blood-thinners and with both sides of his brain likely tied behind his back, this could provide Big Guy his best opportunity to best him.  Assuming I was there to lend a hand.  But as Gibbsy said during our third briefing on the matter before Big Guy went snorkling, "Likely isn't a certainty at all."

While Rush is clearly a sore point with Big Guy, Rush is aces in my book.  He helped promote this site and encouraged me to be open about the goings on in the Oval.

I wish him speedy recovery, and I will do my best to distract Big Guy once he's back from seashell-necklace-stringing class with Lady M.

And Happy New Year to you all.   

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

You Say Yemen ...

Whew, it's kind of hot here in Hawaii, and I'm not talking about the picture-perfect, 70-degree-in-the-sun-no-humidity-weather.

I understand that a lot of people are anxious about this terrorist bomber thingee that took place a few days ago, and especially nervous about the fact that Big Guy seems a bit detached. But, hey, the man is working hard on relaxing after a pretty tough year of saving the economy, creating more than a million mythical jobs (which are a lot tougher to keep on the books than real jobs, by the way), building unanimous support for health care reform and winning the war against human-caused disasters in Afghanistan.

But the real delay in getting a strong statement out on the Northwest bombing story is really my fault. You see, we can't find a fancy pronunciation for Yemen appropriate for Big Guy to use. This might seem a minor point, but Big Guy isn't happy unless he can flatten an "A" or add an umlaut to a pronunciation. That's why he really wishes this terrorist attack could have taken place from a Latin American location or Addis Ababa. Yemen is just, well, Yemen.

Big Guy tried playing around with the phonetics on my screen, trying to add an extra "e" so it would sound like "Ya-meen." But that just sounded silly. So as soon as we come up with pronunciation of the country befitting Big O's oratory skills, we'll get back to you. Otherwise, just enjoy the holidays. We sure are.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Misreading Between the Lines

Big Guy was having a particularly leisurely breakfast this morning here in paradise, when he kind of coughed up his fresh papaya juice.  He was reading the daily news summary that Gibbsy and his team pull together for him.  "The [damn] media," Big Guy said. "I can't believe they'd allow something like this to be published."

Toes asked what it was. Big Guy said, "Slate claims, and I quote, 'civilians ... are under a relentless and planned assault from the pledged supporters of a wicked theocratic ideology.' That's a little unfair calling our administration and our supporters something like that. I mean, they can be a little over the top with their love for me, but really ... "

Toes leaned over and read the piece. "Sir, they're not talking about us. They're talking about al Qaeda."

Big O was kind of embarrassed for a couple of seconds, then just laughed it off, saying, "Man, I'm too stressed out. I need a vacation."

Monday, December 28, 2009

Aloha Means Whatever

Big Guy had a busy morning today. First, he had breakfast with Lady M.  Then he played with the neighborhood kids to make sure they got their daily allotment of exercise, that was followed by a nap after he canceled his morning national security briefing. Keeping kids fit is tough work.

But that nap wasn't entirely put to waste. Before nodding off, he said he thought quite a bit about Bruno and this terrorist attack that went slightly awry.  Then Big Guy played some golf.  Now some people have complained that Big Guy hasn't shown enough interest in this terrorist attack and that the staff out here employed a "strategy" to keep Big Guy away from the cameras.  But that's really giving our press staff and Toes way too much credit. I mean, the reporters out here are having so much fun, they haven't even tried to get Big Guy on camera. 
Publish Post

But I do have some news I can break, and it's kind of a bad news, good news kind of thing. First, the bad news: after a long process of review that took him through most of the front nine of his golf game today, Big Guy has decided that Bruno stays on at the Department of Homeland Security, if only so he can have a scapegoat when things really go bad. The good news? He shot a 40 on the front nine; being distracted by work apparently improves his focus.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

TSA All the Way

Naturally, between his swimming, biking, gift-opening, long walks on the beach, contemplative time for photo ops on the shore at sunset, eating, reading the comics, playing with the kids, playing with Bo, reading me, naps, and shopping, Big Guy is focused like a laser on national security right now.

His main concern is this story we've been hearing about out here in Hawaii about this fellow from a foreign land who tried to blow up a plane. Big Guy was on the phone with Bruno, his head of Homeland Security, and she/he said that everything was under control and that everything had worked according to plan. 

And by plan, he/she meant fooling this African fellow - who by the way has no ties to our Administration whatsoever, just in case anyone cares to read the authoritative background check we did on him before we took a deep sigh of relief - into believing he'd successfully gotten passed our security net to bring highly explosive underwear on board an international flight, and then put our super-secret civilian patrol on duty to take him out mid-flight. Big Guy said that didn't sound like much of a plan, but as Bruno said, it worked just fine. And she was right.

Big Guy said it was amazing what Americans could do when government got out of the way and let them protect their lives and future on their own terms. He said he wished they'd do more of that every day here at home.

Unfortunately, something tells me that's exactly what they're going to do, oh, in about 11 months.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Who Knew Bridge Mix Could Cause This?

Boy, when Bruno said she wasn't happy with the gift Big Guy gave to all of his Cabinet members, I guess she really meant it

Our Christmas Letter

Well, it's been quite a year for Big Guy and me. It all started with the inauguration, and all the speeches we had to make together. Seems like it has never stopped. More TV, more magazine interviews, more radio. What's next, the movies? Ha. Only joking, those will come after we leave office.

There certainly was a lot of infighting for office space in the West Wing, when we first got here in early January 2009. Rahm got the big office next to Big O, and I got what amounts to a closet next to Big Guy's private bathroom. Technically, I'm closer, but I have to wash my screens a hell of lot more than some of the other folks around here.

Toes and Gibbsy and my fighting took a break in February when I was forced to move in with Toes for a period of time due to a glitch in my access to the residence. The therapy required to recover from that three week stay is about 96 hours I will never get back, nor do I particularly want to. Little known fact: while the taxpayers paid for all of that couch time, none of you will be able to get similar treatment under our new health plan that will be passed tomorrow. Thanks! And Merry Christmas!

That February, though, was made all worthwhile when Big Guy, Lady M and I went out on a nice Valentine's Day trip. If I do say so, the conversation was sparkling, and made the pillow talk all the warmer. I don't think I've ever scrolled so smoothly.

This was a year of paybacks of sorts, and most of that has meant a lot of travel. For example, Big Guy and I traveled through Central America, Europe, Asia, and the Middle East, to thank all of our donors and even some voters who made our election possible. It seems like we've been traveling nonstop, but when you are as big a star as Big Guy, you have a lot of people who want to see you. Things haven't always gone so smoothly, for example, during the Organization of American States meeting, Big Guy was a little too gracious with some of the dictators, and then in Europe, he wasn't deferential enough with some of our stronger supporters (like we should have known that canceling a missile defense shield on the anniversary of the West abandoning Poland to 50 years of suffering was a bad thing?).Oh, well, live and learn. The important thing, judging by my bonus check, is that the Chinese remain happy with us.

One of the things we've found since moving into the White House is that a lot of people are jealous and want to tear us down, kind of like what Alec Baldwin goes through on a daily basis, but without the bloating or crying under an NBC intern's desk in the fetal position. I'm talking about the polling that we've seen, and what the media calls "approval numbers." We see that almost 60% of "Americans" don't like the job Big Guy is doing. But really, what is a number if you can't put faces to those statistics (don't worry, the FBI will doing that a lot in 2010 getting ready for the mid-term elections)? And what is 60% really? For every person who maybe is a little jealous that they don't get to go on fancy date nights, or ride around the world on a whim if they want to buy "real" green tea in South Korea, or have a "job", there is one-third of a person who is happy for us. And that one-third of person is what matters, Toes says, especially if it's the part with an arm to pull the ballot lever in 2012.

Another by product of being in the White House is that we've lost contact with a lot of old friends. Tony Rezko, for example, we never hear from any more unless it's through his attorney, and those notes are so impersonal. I think the Secret Service gets those now, or maybe the Department of Justice. Then there is our old friend Van Jones, who we haven't heard from in about three months. I still have his ice plant and black panther velvet painting he left in his office, but something tells me he won't be coming back for it. We hardly ever hear from Big Guy's relatives in Africa and Indonesia, even though before the election, he said he'd probably bring them all over here. And then there are all of our friends from ACORN who hardly ever drop by the Oval like they used to. Seems all they do is spend time with David Axelrod back in his Chicago office. Some people think it's the trappings of power and the bubble that surrounds Big O that have made him detached, but Gibbsy says that it's because Big Guy cares too much ... about subpoenas, plea agreements, and special prosecutors. Either way, I miss our old friends.

But we also have new friends, all of you, who stop by every now and again to get a little taste of what it's like inside Big Guy's world. It's been a busy time for all of us, but I promise to much more diligent in the coming days, weeks and months in keeping you up to date. Merry Christmas.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Sustainable Speaking ...

Well, I can't tell you how excited we were about getting such a major deal out of the Copenhagen negotiations.

The Chinese drove a real hard bargain, and I hate to say it, but we kind of owe them a lot. They were demanding a huge influx of our intellectual capital to help them with their economy. We offered them Ben Bernanke and Joe Biden, but they said Biden's carbon footprint would screw the deal. In the end, we just promised the Chinese that we'd hand over the $1 trillion in secondary market commercial real estate debt, which comes due after January 1, at twenty five cents on the dollar. That return will at least will pay for Big Guy's Hawaiian New Year's vacation.

We're a big believer of mojo at the White House, so based on the huge success we had in Denmark, Big Guy is coming home tonight and will give a major speech on health care reform tomorrow. Since the speech here did us so much good, and in keeping with our enviro-friendly policies, we'll just recycle the speech he made today in Copenhagen. It'll bring us good luck.

All I have to do is take out the words "climate change," "global warming", "Al Gore" and "environment" and substitute them for "health care." I guess I can just leave the Gore references, since he and death panels can pretty much accomplish the same thing.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Copenhagen Here We Come

Big Guy and I are headed out this afternoon for Copenhagen, where we plan to make an impassioned speech about how hot it is, and who better than a guy who just emotes heat like no one else. Big Guy and I have been rehearsing this speech for more than two weeks, in part because since our health care bill is tanking, a global warming treaty is the only Winter Solstice gift we can give our friends in the progressive movement.

It's also important because, let's be honest, Big Guy has been getting a bit of a cold shoulder from some of our friends overseas, and we really need some love right now. Don't get me wrong; it's not like we care about Germany or Great Britain or France. I'm talking about our new friends, like China and India, the guys who have our money and our jobs.

Some of the White House guys like Toes and Gibbsy are concerned about Big Guy using me over in Copenhagen, in part because I have a high carbon footprint. You may not be aware of this, but my footprint is bigger than a 42-inch, high-definition flat screen TV. Rahm, is afraid they will hang my non-enviro-friendly reputation around Big Guy's neck, and criticize him.

Yeah, something tells me there are going to be bigger issues we're going to have to overcome a dubious global audience than lil ol me. Like, oh, this.