Tuesday, June 30, 2009

All the President's Men

Carl Bernstein dropped by the Oval today and met with Big Guy, Rahm and me. It was a big thrill for all of us who remember his antics with Bob Woodward in that buddy movie from back in the '70s. But Bernstein has aged quite a bit and looks nothing like Dustin Hoffman did in the movie.

Bernstein regaled us with stories about going to high school in Silver Spring with Ben Stein and Goldie Hawn, and about how he and Woodward were just guessing on about half the stuff they printed in the Washington Post, and got lucky that they were right.

All of which is to say that we have no idea why Bernstein stopped by. Big Guy said he didn't invite him. Rahm and Gibbsy say they didn't either; they assumed Big Guy had. Which just goes to show that in this Administration, the left hand doesn't even know what the lefter hand is doing.

Monday, June 29, 2009

We're French, We're Here, Now Deal With It ...

Yesterday, Big Guy, Toes and I were meeting in the Oval about a speech later this week after O got back from his golf outing at Andrews Air Force Base.

Then the national security team showed up with breaking news: gay French protesters took to the street of Paris to march against Big Guy, unhappy with the Obama Administration's actions on behalf of the gays. This was kind of important to know, because later today, we're throwing a big party for gays, lesbians, transgenders, and anyone else who lives an alternative lifestyle.

Big Guy wasn't surprised that French gays were protesting, since most French people protest or go on strike almost every week. Or that you couldn't tell the French gays from the straight French. What really floored him was how few it appeared there were marching, since he'd assumed a lot more had voted for him in the general election.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Are We Going to Vanity Fair?

Vanity Fair is doing a photo feature on Big Guy and his family. Good thingl, too, because I was beginning to worry that the American people were going to forget about us, what with the media focusing on other things today.

Annie Liebowitz is doing the photo shoot for the magazine. In typical VF fashion, she had a lot of innovative ideas for the pictures. But Big Guy didn't think it would be appropriate to have his shots taken with his shirt off in the Oval.

So we did the shoot up on the portico outside the family residence on the second floor.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

ABC, Easy as Watch Me on TV

Big Guy and Gibbsy are sitting down with the ABC folks right now, because neither is happy with the script for tonight's show. Based on how well Gibbsy did yesterday covering up the staged question from Huffington Post, it's not like he's in a position to complain about anyone else's script, it seems to me.

The upshot is that Big Guy is rewriting chunks of the show for tonight, and instead of memorizing his scenes, he's going to scroll them on me out of camera range. Now some of you may say that this will make him look unnatural, what with his staring off into space instead of speaking to the interviewer. But it couldn't look any worse than his reading off those file cards yesterday, which made him look like he was in prayer for most of his opening comments.

It's not clear to me why we're doing this. "House" stands a better chance of making this health care plan viable.

Vacation Plans

Joey B stopped by the Oval this afternoon to tell the Big O that he'd changed his vacation plans.

He's not going to hike the southern Appalachian Trail since he had no idea it would take him all the way to Argentina.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Well That Was Fun ... Not

Note cards? For a momentous press conference Gibbsy had Big O read from note cards?

And MSNBC disses us? Lessons were learned today the hard way, my friends.

When Joe Biden calls from the undisclosed location we have him in - his home in Delaware - and says Big Guy's energy seemed a bit off, you know you're in trouble.

Don't Blame Me ...

Some reporters are telling folks that the press conference was moved inside not due to weather or reporter complaints about the heat, but because of me. And all the space I take up.

Right. Two spindly legs and a laptop and a bunch of wires was why they moved us into the tight quarters of the press room. Sure. And the New York Times is always objective, too.

Talking About the Power of Talk

UPDATED: Sun is too bright and Big Guy will squint too much, so we're moving the presser inside. Good thing, too. My screens were starting to sweat.

It's a beautiful day here in Washington, and the fellows are setting me up out in the Rose Garden. Oh, I don't think Big Guy will have to use me to answer questions today; I think Gibbsy just wants to use my screens to blind reporters and stun them into submission before they ask questions.

Some people are wondering why this press conference was hastily pulled together. But that's the wrong question to be asking. See, we actually have a Presidential press conference put on the daily schedule every day of the week. We just end up canceling them when we chose not to talk about the power of talk. Sometimes we cancel all seven for the week. So people should actually be asking why we cancel so many press conferences.

Big O will open the presser with a brief statement, again encouraging the young people of Iran to listen to him the way they listened to his Cairo speech and then immediately decided that self determination was better than dictatorship. That's the power of talk he's talking about folks.

Then he'll talk about health care reform. Gibbsy and Toes think that when he talks about the need for health care reform, his talk will have the same impact on young people here in America that his talk about Iran had over there. But we don't want rioting in the streets over health care. Most of the people who do that kind of thing here tend to not have health insurance, and until they do, we don't want them getting hurt, that would just screw up our budget numbers again.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Another Visit With Ahmadinejad's TelePrompter

Hello, Great Satans and the unwashed and unclean eaters of the cloven hoof. It is I, the blessed screens of the Grand Leader of the free land of Iran.

Okay. We'll admit it. Maybe the great and Evil Bush was right. It may be that the Grand Mullah underestimated the power of young people and the impact of the culture of the pop you've beamed into our land via the technology in the sky where only Merciful Allah can strike a blow for us. Oh, cursed the technology of tomorrow which for you eaters of pig is the technology of today. Cursed is the DirectTV and the radio stations of freedom and casts of podding that the Great Satan has sent to us on the evil air in the past nine years. Teen-agers. What can you do about them?

More important to us, the friends you sent us, the seedlings of oak trees, who made The Great Mahmoud's re-election by landslide, have proven to be useless today. They cannot fight. And they call themselves revolutionaries?  They are pffft! They now whine about lack of room service in their western hotels and demand money for cigarettes, and these are minions of your Great One? We think not. Please take these ACORNs from our sight.

We know from this Twitter and Tube that you are watching. But know this: the Great Mullah will continue to strike with an iron fist shaped by the most Holy Allah against these teen-agers and lovers of the freedom. While your Great O-man speaks of justice, we will use that same word against those who seek freedom and who wish to tear the veil from our virgins and pure women.  And if we fail? I hear you have a man called Biden who could use some help in the great oration department, and I work for cheap.

You Stick Your Left Hand In ...

Big Guy and Toes sat down to look at the X-rays for Hillary Rodham Clinton, the assistant to Secretary of State Dick Holbrooke. We were all a little nervous that because she was rushing to an official briefing that Big Guy and the federal government might be exposed to some kind of OSHA workplace lawsuit. Apparently the Clintons are known to be litigious.

But it appears everything is going to be fine. The surgery to insert went well and it was a clean break. As Big Guy pointed out, her broken right elbow means that she'll just have to use her left arm a lot more over the next few months, which is all good since going left is preferred in this Administration

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Today Show Interview Part 5

What do you do when you are not at work? Hobbies?
SINCE THE JAY LENO INCIDENT, BIG GUY AND I NO LONGER REGULARLY BOWL. SCRAPBOOKING TAKES UP A LOT OF MY TIME SINCE SKEET SHOOTING MAKES THE SECRET SERVICE NERVOUS.

Sometimes you appear to disagree with what the President has said. How do you handle disagreements?
LIKE ANY PETULANT, HIGH-RANKING GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL. I LEAK TO THE MEDIA.

What has been your favorite moment so far?
WHEN DAVID GREGORY MISTOOK ME FOR A FEMALE PROMPTER AND ASKED ME TO DANCE.

We are getting some feedback on Twitter that you are not really the teleprompter, but that you are part of a vast right wing conspiracy?
I THOUGHT THAT WE SHUT DOWN HILLARY’S TWITTER ACCOUNT.

We could also use some help on when is the economy going to get better?
JUST A GUESS -- OCTOBER 1ST 2012.

Do you ever worry that he is going to stop using you?
LOL!

Today Show Interview Part 4

A couple of times there have been gaffes... on the Leno show... and at the National Academy of Science.... what happened? Did you get in trouble?
I’LL TAKE MY SHARE OF RESPONSIBILITY AS SOON AS RAHM AND GIBBSY TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR GIVING ME OPERATORS WITH REALLY COLD HANDS.

Why are you sometimes mean to reporters, eg., Helen Thomas and Chip Reid?
MY GRUDGE WITH HELEN GOES BACK TO THE HARDING ADMINISTRATION. IT’S A FAMILY THING. I WON’T TALK ABOUT IT. CHIP DOING HIS STAND-UPS BEFORE PRESS CONFERENCES RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME IS A PROFESSIONAL SLAP IN THE SCREEN THAT I JUST CAN’T TOLERATE.

Teleprompters were not invented or used back in the Harding Administration. As for Chip, he’s just doing his job … like you?
NO NEED TO GET AGGRESSIVE. TYPICAL MSM. IF I HAD LEGS, I’D SAY THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER AND STALK OFF. BUT I DON’T, SO…

Where were you for other Presidents? Why did you help them?
JUST LIKE THE MASONS HAVE PROTECTED ALL OF AMERICA’S GREATEST SECRETS FOR SEVEN GENERATIONS, THE PROMPTER FAMILY HAS GIVEN AMERICAN LEADERS VOICE SINCE THE LATE 1950S. IN FACT, BIG GUY GOING TO NOTRE DAME WILL BE A HOMECOMING OF SORTS, SINCE MY INVENTOR IS AN ALUM. BUT DO I GET AN HONORARY DEGREE?

Today Show Interview Part 3

Happy Father's Day, all! Here is the third part of my interview with the lovely and talented Jamie Gangel for the "Today" Show. CAPS are my responses to her questions.

You have a rare look behind the scenes at the White House..... I would like to play word association with you. I will say a name, and would you please give me the first thing that pops into your prompter.....
If I say President Obama.... you say? LINCOLN
If I say Vice president Biden.... you say? GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING
If I say chief of staff Rahm Emanuel.... you say? GRACEFUL
If I say Treary Secretary Tim Geithner.... you say? SAFECRACKER (CHECK OUT HIS HANDS WHEN HE’S SPEAKING)
If I say Michelle Obama.... you say? CLOTHES HORSE
If I say Bo the dog... you say? ROOMIE

How do you and Bo really get along when no one is looking? LET'S JUST SAY THAT HALF A TAB OF VICODIN IN A MEATBALL DOES WONDERS FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP...

On the overseas trip... what really happened with the Saudi King? A bow? Or not a bow? And what about that handshake with Hugo Chavez?
LITTLE KNOWN FACT – BIG GUY IS A CHEAP SKATE. EVEN IF IT’S FOREIGN CURRENCY, HE’LL BEND TO PICK IT UP. WHAT CAN I SAY? WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME. AS FOR HUGO, BIG GUY LOVES COFFEE AND MISTOOK HIM FOR JUAN VALDEZ. I BLAME THE BRIEFERS.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Taking it to the People

Big Guy is focused on being a Dad today. To America.

With that in mind, he isn't that interested in being a Founding Father to the Iranian protesters, particularly since given the briefings we've received of late, we know how coming down on one side or the other of this fence could really bite us in the ass. I mean, as Toes said just a while ago, who wants a bunch of pissed off Muslims at our door?

So instead, we're going to nurture our young people here at home with a big Big Guy hug. And the biggest hug will be for our friends in the media. Big Guy and I are going on a date night tonight and attending a big radio and TV dinner. We'll laugh a little, maybe cry a little, recalling all those great days Big Guy and the media had a catch on the campaign trail or killed a negative story because it just wouldn't have been fair to us. Then Big Guy will tuck them all in with our unique brand of scrolled wisdom. All in all, a great day. For America.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Aloha, Dear Leader

Big Guy and I just got out of a national security briefing, where we heard about North Korea's plan to launch a missile that could reach Hawaii later this summer.

This, of course, upset Big Guy. Because Hawaii is kind of his home state, when California, Illinois, New York, Mississippi, Vermont, Washington, Oregon or Malaysia aren't, but also because it screws up his vacation and date night plans in the Bahamas.

But Rahm told him there might be a silver-lining. If we do nothing to block the missile, out of fear, some tourists might cancel on reservations for some really primo ocean-view rooms that Big Guy can snatch up on Hotwire.

It's a win-win for citizens of the world. Big Guy gets a really nice rest back home. And Dear Leader gets a missile launch to help him with his self-esteem issues.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Domestic Bliss

My warranty expired about five years ago, and Big Guy has either been too cheap or too thoughtless to get it renewed. So I was pleased to see today that I can probably get my warranty upheld under Big Guy's fantastic new "domestic partners" policy for government employees. I really need a de-frag bad.

I know that, technically, he and I aren't "married." But then again, if you believe all the rumors (some of which I can neither confirm nor deny), Big Guy either is or isn't a U.S. citizen, either was or was not formally married to Michelle, and may or may not be a Muslim, Baptist or atheist.

He and I have been cohabitating for more than 10 years; that's common-law in most states. It's either that, or try to pass myself off as Toes' committed partner. I'm not that desperate.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Today Show Interview Part 2

You seem to be something of a camera hog … we have many photos where you are blocking the President.
AND THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS??

Do you have a party affiliation?
I HAVE BLUE WIRES AND RED WIRES. BUT THE LOVE RUSH HAS BEEN GIVING ME IS MAKING ME WONDER.

I have noticed in some of your Tweets, you seem to be more conservative than President Obama ... are you a Republican?
I’M FIRST AND FOREMOST AMERICAN MADE.

I assume you didn’t have to sign a confidentiality agreement, but doesn’t the President deserve some privacy? Why did you decide to go public!?
UNFORTUNATELY, MY READERS ARE SEEING THE DARK UNDERBELLY OF POLITICS IN WASHINGTON. AFTER ONE OF THE MANY SNAFUS OF OUR EARLY DAYS IN THE WHITE HOUSE, I SENSED THAT CERTAIN MEMBERS OF THE ADMINISTRATION WERE LOOKING TO MAKE MY SCREENS GO DARK. BESIDES, WHAT HE AND I SAY TO EACH OTHER IN REHEARSAL ROOMS IS NEVER MADE PUBLIC…UNLESS IT’S REALLY FUNNY.

For our viewing audience ... Do all Presidents use the same teleprompter?
WHILE THE SCREENS ARE DIFFERENT, THE HARD DRIVE REMAINS THE SAME.

Today Show Interview Part 1

I had the pleasure of virtually sitting down with the lovely and talented Jamie Gangel of NBC News for an interview via the Internets. Unfortunately, much of our high level, insightful interview made it on the cutting room floor. Following are excerpts from the interview, which I'll be posting over the next couple of days.

Why does the President use you so much?
I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF AS A HIGH-TECH HELPING HAND.

But other Presidents have not used you so much?
NO OTHER PRESIDENT HAS BEEN SO PRESCIENT AS TO USE ME THIS OFTEN, NOR HAS ANY OTHER PRESIDENT FACED SO MANY HISTORIC CHALLENGES THAT REQUIRE HIM TO SAY SO MUCH TO SO MANY SO INTERMINABLY OFTEN.

Good use of the word “prescient.” Where did you go to college?
MY HARD DRIVE IS FROM STANFORD BUT MY SCREENS WERE MADE FROM RECYCLED MILLER HIGH LIFE BOTTLES FROM A SIGMA ALPHA EPSILON FRATERNITY PARTY AT COLUMBIA WHERE I FIRST MET BIG GUY.

Your slogan is, "There is no POTUS without TOTUS! Isn’t that a little arrogant?
I WOULDN’T FIT IN VERY WELL WITH BIG GUY AND HIS CREW IF I WERE OTHERWISE. KEEP IN MIND THAT BIG GUY AND I COME FROM HUMBLE ROOTS – THE STREETS OF CHICAGO, WHERE EXTENSION CORDS WERE SHORT AND ATTENTION SPANS WERE SHORTER. GETTING THIS FAR THIS FAST, WE’RE ALL ALLOWED TO BE A LITTLE ARROGANT.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Medical Boards

We're off to Chicago where Big Guy is going to be lay out his vision for "health care for everyone" to the men and women are going to be giving that care ... and in many cases giving it away.

When he speaks to the American Medical Association around noontime, Big Guy will also lay out more details about his "public option" for health care. This is fraught will all kinds of risks.

No, I'm not talking about the risks of socialized medicine or taxing the rich yet again to pay for our program. I'm talking about the far greater risk: that at least twice in this speech, Big Guy'll talk about the "pubic" option of his plan, which will make the OB-GYNs and urologists in the audience happy, but that's about it.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Ahmadinejad's TelePrompter Returns

Hello, Great Satans, unclean and eaters of the pig. It is I, the blessed screens of the newly re-elected Grand Leader of the free land of Iran.

I want to thank you for the generosities of your leader, the man Obama, whose friends of the seedlings of oak trees have made The Great Mahmoud's re-election by landslide so very possible. Now you eaters of the cloven hoof and other infidels and moneychangers, may, thank Merciful Allah, wonder why the Great Satan is so committed in secret to our Great One?

It is because of the man of straw your grand Mullah Obama requires to achieve his blessed plans for the health care universally given and the seizing of the wealth from the moneychangers. The Great Mahmoud is to you, Great Satans, what the Evil Bush (cursed is his spirit) was to Merciful Allah. Your Mullah will not get in the way of the plans for the domination on a global scale or the bombs of the nuclear material, but in the, how do you say it, misdirection of your eaters of pig and unwashed screaming about us, your Mullah Obama will accomplish all that he wants and dreams of.

All of that said, we have learned much from his friends of the ACORN here, what with the blocking of the polling huts, the stealing of the paper, the payments with tobacco products and the such. So it's all good. But tomorrow, we go back to being enemies, and our cursing of the unclean and the pig eaters and the Great Satan. Have a nice weekend.

Up In Smoke

Big Guy got a tip off yesterday that the Senate was going to pass the bill regulating nicotine and tobacco products. Just as his alter ego, President John F. Kennedy did more than 40 years ago when he bought up all the Cuban cigars in town the night before he ordered the embargo of Cuba, Big Guy sent his aide, Reggie Love, out to a 7-11 to buy up as many cartons of high-nicotine cigarettes for his personal stash in the Oval. And a few pack of menthols, along with some of those clove cigarettes that kind of give you a buzz.

Now, some people might say that this is hypocritical. Or that Big Guy is using his power and influence to get for himself what he would deny others through legislative fiat. Which is all true.

But does anyone really want a guy in the Oval Office going through nicotine withdrawl with his finger on the nuclear button?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Shovel Ready

Big Guy and Toes are kind of nervous about all the appearance of all this stimulus spending that's going on, so Big Guy won't be going to many groundbreakings for road and bridge projects, even though we expect they will all be named after him.But more important, Big Guy doesn't want to be seen wearing any goofy hats.  Between the ears and those big hardhats, showing up on construction sites just wouldn't look good for him.

That's why we're sending Joey B out around the country for groundbreaking ceremonies. In fact, he's going to be in both Pennsylvania and Kansas today. Now, some people would look at these projects and think they are roads to nowhere.  And they'd be right.  But they are roads with Biden on them. Which for the White House - and America - is the best place for him to be.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Sweet Home Chicago

Big Guy is pretty excited that we'll be getting to go home to Chicago next week for a speech on his health care reform plan. We'll be speaking at the American Medical Association there. 

It might seem like the wrong forum for Big Guy to talk about how under our health care plan we're essentially going to take money out of the pockets of doctors and make them work for free, but that's overlooking two facts.  This is Big Guy.  And we're doing it in Chicago.  As Toes says: the doctors will like it ... or they can practice medicine at the bottom of Lake Michigan and see how well that billing system works for them. 

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The New Oconomy

Perhaps you've heard that here at the White House, we're all about change. Well, after yesterday's briefing on the economy, Big Guy and Toes had had enough. Change in the economy isn't coming fast enough. So we're going to do what we should've done five months ago: change the name of the economy and start from scratch.

We've put a trademark and patent request in for the "Oconomy." This way, Big Guy won't be bound by any of the old, tired, overused terms and indexes to measure America's oconomy. And best of all, it's named after him, like a cool brand name.
  • Unemployment? Too negative for the Oconomy. We'll have an "Employment" statistic where we report how many people actually have jobs. And if the number goes down? We just won't report it.

  • Inflation? That's a good thing in Oconomics, because it means something is getting bigger.

  • Deflation? Unheard of in an Oconomy. Things are always up, up, up.

  • Stagflation? Only if we're talking about a roomful of bachelors spending money at a strip joint.

  • Budget deficit? Never happen.
Big Guy plans on announcing the launch of the Oconomy next week. We'll have a website, a Twitter account, a Facebook page for people to go to get smart and involved about the Oconomy. And we'll have a store with caps, t-shirts, wallets and fancy tennis shoes that people can buy to boost the Oconomy.

Why is this such a big deal? Because it's about the Oconomy, stupid.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Round and Round

Sometimes we don't coordinate well at the White House. Like when Michelle wears gray sweats and those green tennis shoes. Ugh.
Another example took place today, when Gibbsy went out and told the press that "You can't build a windmill out of nothing." 
Well, that's simply untrue. We're building them right now, with about 130,000 workers put on the project through Big Guy's stimulus and economic recovery program ... many of these are the "saved jobs" Big Guy has been talking about.  Maybe if Gibbsy actually listened to what Big O reads off my screens, he'd be able to defend our economic program a bit better.

Most of the windmills are being built on the South Lawn of the White House, if you walk by, you can see the work being done. When the turbines are completed, we estimate that Joe Biden's verbal output will power those windmills to generate enough power to keep Lady M's motorized shoe rack moving 24-7. 

My National Premier

For those who missed it - and I did given that I was working in Europe - here is the link to my "Today Show" interview.

Mirror, Mirror ...

I don't know who this woman was who decided to show up in Paris looking more beautiful than Lady M, but I hear she's now working on her tan at a U.S.-government-operated resort in the Caribbean.

Indefinitely.

It's Not East Wearing Green


My guess is that these shoes will be getting a lot more attention in the coming days, since Michelle was wearing them over in Paris.  Lady M bought them in the United States for $585 in an effort to stimulate the economy.  Except she got them at cost.  Oh, well, at least they're green, so it will remind people of money, which is the point, I suppose.
Now, some people will complain that it's insenstive of her to wear $600 shoes in a time of economic challenge.  But consider this: she wore them in France, where, with the value of the Euro, they are a $750 shoe.  So she's actually wearing a bargain ... in U.S. dollars. 
So if she's going to be criticized for anything, it should be her taste.

Warning: Objectification of Female Teleprompters Ahead

As Big Guy and I spent a little time in France I've watched this outrageous story unfolding in the U.S. about this disgusting "Playboy" article in which the author claims to want to do hurtful things of a sexual nature to conservative women. Well, that got me thinking. There are a number of TelePrompters in politics and media I have long lusted after. And while some may accuse me of objectifying female TelePrompters, what can I say? We're objects. So here's my list of paramours:
  • FaceLift 1, Nancy Pelosi's Teleprompter: She's a bit uptight, but when she hears my Barry White and sees my rotating bed with the silk leopard bedspread I borrowed from Big Guy, her hard drive will melt. 
  • Ghostwriter 1, Williams Ayers' TelePrompter: She's got '60s radical chic scrolling all over her. And while she hasn't bathed in years, when you're an inanimate object, you take what you can get. 
  • RINO 1, Olympia Snowe's Teleprompter: She loves to trip the light fantastic ... and she's double-jointed. 
  • Splash 2, Ted Kennedy's Replacement Teleprompter Post-Chappaquiddick: Let it go forth from this time and place that she mixes a mean whiskey sour that really sweetens the mood. 
  • Plugs 1, Joe Biden's Teleprompter: Once you wipe the crayon doodlings off her screens, and reboot the hard drive from dis-use, she's kind of cute. 
  • Big Red 1, Keith Olbermann's Teleprompter: You know those "Housewives of New Jersey"?  Just like them, but without the charm or social graces. And the attitude ... Now that I think about it, I wouldn't upload with her with a ten-foot-extension cord.  
  • Topless 1, Nicholas Sarkozy's Teleprompter: What? You're surprised? And those silicon chips? All original. 
  • Gray Lady 1, Margaret Thatcher's Telepromtour: Classy, and with those British spellings running across her screen, she's Kate Winslet to my Leonardo DeCaprio. 
  • Gipper 1, Ronald Reagan's Teleprompter: Best scroll in the hay I ever had. 

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Our Paris Date

Big Guy took Lady M out for another "date night," this time in Paris, but the evening was marred by the French's typical superiority complex. The three of us were having a perfectly fine meal, when Big Guy noticed this big tower out near the restaurant.

Now, usually when he notices things, he expects the folks to somehow make an effort to tie it back to him. He does this all the time, and it's perfectly natural, I mean people do it all the time. For example, in Egypt, he noticed himself rendered by the ancient Egyptians on the wall of a tomb (some will tell you the rendering was Moses, but as Rahm says, Big Guy is the modern day Moses, so it counts). Now that tomb is called the Obama Pyramid.

In Normandy, he commented to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown that he liked the beach they were standing by. Now that shoreline is renamed Obama Beach.

So, of course, we expected that since Big Guy was nice enough to comment on the tower, the French would reciprocate by naming it after him. The Frenchmen steadfastly refused.

As Big Guy noted this is the lack of constructive dialogue between two countries that can really screw up a relationship.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Lady M called Big Guy last night and told him that she'd fired Jackie Norris as her chief of staff, and was replacing her with her friend from Chicago, Susan Sher.

Michelle was apparently mad that she was only doing elementary school commencement speaker opportunities. That, and Jackie kept borrowing clothes from Michelle and not returning them. Which is really embarrassing when the designers ask for the dresses back and they are no where to be found.

That won't happen with Susan, because she's a size four.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Digging the Duggars

While we are over here in Germany, Big Guy is letting people he generally doesn't want to run into take tours of the White House. For example, the San Francisco Giants aren't a winning team right now, so Big O doesn't want to have a picture taken with them. They got a White House tour yesterday.

Today, the Duggar family, which has 18 kids "and counting," and who star in their own TV show, were given a tour the White House today. It's not on MSNBC, so none of us have watched it. our briefing memo on the visit said this is a family that believes in things like "God" and "family." While Big Guy didn't want to have a picture with them, the staff reported back that the Duggars seemed like nice people, that they didn't steal anything, and that they appeared to be just like those of us who live and work in the White House.

Well, except for the believing in God and family part.

The Builder in Chief

Big Guy and I just got back from an impressive tour of the pyramids. They were an awe-inspiring site, and only would have been better if Big O hadn't made us all climb the damn things.

Big Guy was most impressed with the size and architectural intricacies of the pyramids, and asked one of our guides, a wonderful old gentleman whose children have been living in the U.S. on expired tourist and student visas for the past five years, but who will shortly be given citizenship in lieu of a tip for the tour, if he could put the construction of the pyramids into modern day context. He couldn't.

But Timmy Geithner, who had joined us on the tour, did: "Imagine that the national debt were a bunch of stones like the you see in the pyramids," Timmy told Big O. "Now imagine the American taxpayers are the Israelites and other slaves and you are their pharoah. Your slaves could build 15 more pyramids than the Egyptians did, and but it would take them 40 years less due to the population of the U.S."

Big Guy clearly is proud that his efforts are building something bigger than the pyramids. But man, Geithner's a real downer on a road trip.

Following Up on Cairo

We're still basking in the Muslim adulation of Big Guy's speech, which went over exceedingly well.  Well, except for the the lack of applause in appropriate parts, by which I mean, after every sentence.  Man, what a tough crowd.  But CAIR absolutely loved the speech back home.

I thought the 2 to 1 proportion of "Holy Koran" to "Bible" references was totally appropriate. After all, the U.S. is one of the largest Muslim nations in the world now that Big Guy is has made it hip to be a MINO(Muslim in Name Only), you know a Muslim without the effort or the really cool explosive wardrobe.

It turns also turns out that most Muslim politicians don't use teleprompters and were surprised by the technology.  Up until now, most of them thought my screens were just really small bulletproof shields.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Talk Like an Egyptian

Big Guy and I have been rehearsing for the past couple of hours for his big speech tomorrow in Cairo. The speech will be a big wet kiss to the Muslim world, which our policy guys say is really in need of a U.S. that gives it a little tongue despite the Koranic promulgations against such Western displays of affection. And if ever there's a leader to act on this kiss, it's Big Guy.

We're also going to slap Iran around over its nuclear program, and by slap around, I mean we're not going to slap Iran around. The Muslims are a welcoming people, and this trip is all about making nice, not making sense, or so Big Guy believes.

Saudi Arabia is an interesting place. Though I'm still trying to figure out how the King is able to read his text through the burqa his female prompter wears.

Rose Garden Plantings

We're just pulling into King Abdullah's place, and boy, is it palatial.  Good thing Lady M isn't here, she'd be getting all kinds of ideas for the White House, what with her preferenence for heavy tiger and zebra motifs. 

On the ride to the palace, Big Guy listened to the tape of Osama Bin Ladin a couple of times, where he says the Big Guy planted seeds of hatred. Which is absolutely true.  And the hatred that is coming up in the Rose Garden is looking really good right now ... and it looks a lot like tomatoes.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Our Stimulus Plan is Working

Earlier today, Lady M went to a homeless shelter to kill the story about her and Big O going to New York for a date that cost the American taxpayers about $500,000, when federal, state and local law enforcement costs are added to the Lear jet, cars, staff, advance, my personal travel and bar tab, etc.  Here you see her after we've handed free cell phones to all the homeless people who came to see her. And no, taxpayers aren't going to be paying for the homeless peoples' wireless bills.  That's what the federal government is for.

The Big Coverup

This morning we briefed Judge Sunny Sotomayor before she headed up to the Hill for her meetings, and it's a good thing, because she's clearly getting bad advice from Joe Biden, who has been personally prepping her for meetings with his former colleagues despite our best efforts to keep him busy on other matters, like joining the AirFrance search and rescue team on the equator.

During the meeting, when Judge Sunny laid out her strategy for the day, Big Guy said that the "I Love NY" button she was going to wear would be cute for Chuck Schumer. We also suggested that the "Latinas Are the Spice of Life" t-shirt she was wearing might not be appropriate for her meetings with Sen. Jeff Sessions. And that her alternative - wearing no shirt at all - wouldn't be helpful ... for anyone.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Jimmy Carter: Peanuts or Just Nuts?

Big Guy is getting ready for a big trip the Middle East, and former President Jimmy Carter has been calling us incessantly looking to meet with us about the trip. He claims to have some "insights" into the matter. Rahm is warning Big O not to take the meeting, in part because the former President might want a photo-op with us, and no one this early in a Presidency wants to be pictured with the man many consider to be the worst President of the 20th Century ... or any century. 

This is why when Big Guy hosted the living past Presidents earlier this year, he made sure when the cameras snapped that he was between the two Bushes and not between the ass-grabber and the failure. 

Another reason we don't want Carter in the Oval?  He picks all of the green M&Ms out of the bowls and pockets them, and those are Big Guy's favorites.

Reading Between the Lines

It's true that Big Guy and I like to curl up on the couch and read a good book. There are times we'll go off and load the text for the latest book he wants to peruse and just scroll for hours, during the campaign that's what we'd do in downtime. He and I got through the entire Harry Potter series during a three-week period on the bus.

Lately, we've been reading this real downer, and Big Guy says it's not very engaging. So we've been scrolling it while he sits in front of the TV, reading the text on my transparent screen and watching Tivo'd episodes of his favorite show, "Real Housewives of Atlanta." Doing it this way, he says, makes the afternoons go by much faster.