Monday, February 22, 2010

And then ... he turned the water into wine ....

Sunday, February 14, 2010

True Romance in the White House ...

It's Valentine's Day, and here at the White House, it's just been a great day.  Big Guy had custom made heart candies made, you know the kind, hard and chalky with little engravings on them?  The ones he gave himself say things: "You Are the Best!"  "You're Spicy!" "World Hearts O."  You get the idea. And he's been sitting in the Oval most of the day reading the "Captain America" comic book that features him in it, and reading the sayings to himself before he pops them into his mouth. It's kind of cute, and for a change, he isn't reading those messages off my screen, so it's kind of a day off for me.

The candies Big Guy gave us are a little different.  They're all the same flavor, you know the pale yellow kind that don't taste like anything, and they say "O Loves U Back."  Rahm seemed kind of pleased with his little box of the yellow hearts, but others weren't so happy. It was obvious Big Guy hadn't spent much time thinking about what to give to everyone, and all the women in the office are standing with their backs against the wall every time Big O walks by. 

Michelle wasn't particularly happy either, but not because of that. Last Valentine's Day, you'll recall, Big Guy took her on one of those opulent date nights that cost taxpayers a half a million dollars, with no share of the happy ending.  This year, Big Guy didn't think he could risk the overnight trip to Paris he'd promised, so he made her a Valentine's Day card out of a bunch of scrap paper he found sitting on his desk.  He worked on it really hard, and had Biden and Gibbsy help him with the gluing, and Bruno with the aluminum foil and sparkly stuff they added for that extra "wow" factor.

Lady M thought a Valentine made from the latest national debt statistics kind of cheapened the whole day; Big Guy disagreed since he said it told her he loved her more than spending. I think it just goes to show that they deserve each other.  So, Happy Valentine's Day everybody.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Let Me Be Clear

That title isn't a request, like, "Let my people go."  I actually am clear.  Crystal, to be precise, largely because of Van, my federal-government employee detailed to keep my screens as clean as possible.

Van -- or the lack of Van -- is just one the problem I have with this chart over at Pajamas Media (and pictured nearby). I mean, couldn't be more inaccurate if they used Timmy Geithner's statistician over at Treasury. 

First, they don't even bother to include Van in the process. He cleans my screens about four or five times a day. I think his salary is in the G-14 band, so about $112,000 a year. To not include him, but to put the Diversity Czar in the middle of it all is insulting.

Second, given the fact that Big Guy can't pronounce "Corpsman" properly, I'd expect PJ Media to understand there is no "Phonetic Spelling Transcription Specialist." Heck, if there was, we wouldn't need Bill Burton and Gibbsy and that English-to-English dictionary they pore over every morning, which we got for the government-low-rate of $10 million via White House requisitioning, by the way.

Third, they completely missed the "Fluffer" position in between the "Guy Who Makes 'Wrap Things Up' Gestures" and "Rahm Emanuel."  Frankly, it's the only way we can get Toes even moderately interested in anything Big Guy says any more.

Finally, that picture of me makes me look fat.  I demand an apology. 

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Of Gibbsy's Hand Job and Other Slights Perceived and Otherwise

So everyone was talking about how impressive Gov. Sarah Palin was speaking off the cuff and off her hand the other night.  Big whoop.  It may be true that any intelligent and well seasoned politician can speak that way from a few notes and nothing more.  But it takes a true leader to speak every word scrolling across a screen, unafraid to reveal his incapacity to "ad lib." At least that's what Rahm was telling Big Guy to get him to come out from under the desk to rehearse his morning banter with me before breakfast this morning.

Everyone is joking about the Palin hand notes. I, for one, don't find any of it funny; in fact, I think it's kind of demeaning.  Not to the Governor, but to me.

So Gibbsy thinks it's funny today to walk out to the press corps (pronounced "corpse" here at the White House now).  He flashes his two notes on his hand, and then hears the groans from the reporters.  Nice. Once again, Gibbsy shows that he can never intentionally be funny.

Everyone is asking me why Big Guy doesn't use his hand when he speaks, since I have become such a running joke for him.  Think about it, how are we going to get one hour's worth of notes onto his hand?  To hire a staff to do that would require way too much stimulus dollars than this country can afford. About the best we could is "Let me be clear ...."  And that won't work. Heck, that's how we got into this mess to begin with.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

We Aren't Ready for Some Football

Well, it's Super Bowl weekend, and that means that with Lady M on her obesity jihad, Big Guy and I won't be eating any chicken wings or seven layer dip any time soon.  She's being a pretty big killjoy this year, particularly since we're having a bunch of our bipartisan friends over to watch the game on the 60-inch, hi-def screen we have in the room the previous administration used for "national security briefings."  We've been using the room as a home entertainment center, since it's closer to the residence, and you don't have to go down four flights of stairs to the real home theater in the basement. Besides, it isn't like we've had any national security events, so why waste a perfectly good piece of technology.

While we're calling this a bipartisan party, I think we all know that that isn't the case. I mean, Congressman "Joseph" Cao, who represents parts of New Orleans, is invited, but only because we learned he was snowed in and couldn't get to Miami, and because in order for this to be considered an official White House event we needed someone of Southeast Asian descent to be here. This way, the party can be paid for using taxpayer dollars instead of out of Big Guy's pocket.

So we've got Cao coming and then we've got people we actually want to spend time with. Folks like Rep. Xavier Becerra (he takes care of our Latino quota), some Democrats from Indiana, half the Cabinet, including Bruno, and Sen. Chris Dodd, because we know he'll bring enough beer to keep the par-tay going. Bruno, who spent most of the week in Miami hanging bunting in the stadium, brought back some cool decorations to spruce up the room.

But the highlight of the day will be watching Big Guy do his pre-game interview with CBS News diva Katie Couric.  Not because he has any great insights into the game, but because he's going to announce an Executive Order that will make a dramatic change in the way Super Bowl Sunday unfolds. He's really the only leader with the vision and ability to pull it off.  See, instead of settling the game on the field, he's inviting the Colts and Saints to the White House to negotiate the winner of the Super Bowl over beers and organic hummus dip.

By doing it this way, it gives him at least eight extra hours to keep working for the American people instead of watching a game, and it means the American people have that much more time to be focused on finding jobs or earning more income to pay their taxes. We all win. Well, except for the team that doesn't negotiate well enough to win the championship.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Revenue Hunting

Big Guy released his budget today. He spent a lot of time this weekend - in between going to the Duke-Georgetown basketball game, watching basketball on TV, watching HBO, then Sportscenter, then doing research on the Pro Bowl for our fantasy pool, then actually watching the Pro Bowl - working on cutting all that fat from the budget. I think people are going to love what they see.

It's not like Big Guy isn't aware of the fiscal mess we are in. People have been noticing how he has been bowing when he meets even U.S. officials, like mayors or governors. But he's not bowing. That's just the way he walks so that he gets first dibs on dropped change.