Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A Major Disaster

It's already been a busy morning over here at the White House. With Michelle over in Denmark, it was a guy's night up in the residence. Big Guy, Toes, Gibbsy and I played "Guitar Hero" into the wee hours and then stayed up and played "Light as a Feather Stiff as a Board." Of course, Rahm had to ruin it with his childish double entendres. And big surprise - Big Guy won. He's always good at being stiff.

So we were a bit bleary eyed this morning when Hillary Clinton, the assistant to Secretary of State Richard Holbrooke, stopped by and announced that Big O had to declare a major disaster.

"What do you mean? I've only been in office six months," Big Guy said. When Gibbsy pointed out that it had really been nine months, Big Guy said that he wasn't counting July, August or September because they sucked for him, and that he'd already signed an executive order declaring those months part of the Bush Administration.

Rahm said that kind of executive order didn't count, and while those guys were bickering, Hillary tried to interrupt them to tell them she was talking about the tsunami that hit the Samoas. Big Guy got further confused, thinking something bad had happened to the girls' Girl Scout cookie stash. Finally, after about an hour of whiteboarding the whole thing, we were all on the same page.

After a session like that, it made us wish we hadn't sent all those briefers and advisers with Lady M. But as Big Guy says, it's all about choices when you're the leader of the free world. Boy is he right.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Something Rotting in Denmark

So Big Guy is getting ready to head of to Denmark to secure the Olympics for our adopted hometown of Chicago. Let's be clear about this ... Big Guy already knows Chi-town has the Games. He'd have to show up drunk with a Copenhagen hooker wrapped around his waist when he meets with the Queen of Denmark ... and even then, we think we have this thing in the bag.

You don't deploy Big Guy to Europe with a hat in his hand unless you're going to put something in it. A year ago, a check would have sufficed. Today? You'd need a bit more. Can you say "gold medal"?

That's one of the reasons we're having trouble with Iranians, the Afghans, the eastern Europeans, the other Europeans, the Chinese, the Americans. None of them are giving Big O stuff any more. The Olympics? He gets stuff. Afghanistan? All he gets is a headache.

Speaking of headaches, Lady M got a little overexcited about her role in Copenhagen on Friday. She told the press that she and Big Guy were going over there and they "would take no prisoners," which is a good thing, since Denmark has already said they won't take any prisoners from Gitmo, and the Tea Party types Rahm had locked in the basement probably wouldn't go quietly.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

About That Chair ...

Big Guy made his first formal speech to the UN general assembly this morning. He was kind of nervous because he heard that Germany might be walking out on his friend, Iran's Almadininutjob, if he was too tough on Israel.

"There isn't a chance that anyone will walk out on me, is there?" Big Guy asked Toes before he went on. Toes just laughed and said not to worry, the only delegation that might have walked out was the United States', but we had stand-ins from ACORN filling those seats.

Beyond that, we were a little disappointed that there wasn't a lot of applause during the speech. This was a tough crowd. Apparently world regulation isn't what we thought it was cracked up to be.
Something positive did come out of this trip, though. We bought some new furniture for the White House. Big O really liked the chair he sat in in front of the assembly before taking the podium. We bought it from the UN and will use it for speeches, press conferences and other official events. Like Big Guy was saying as we loaded it into the car, "What's the point of walking down that red carpet if you don't have a throne to sit in afterward?"

Maybe this wasn't such a positive thing after all.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Big Apple, Baby

Big Guy and I are here at the U.N. for his big global warming speech. This is very exciting, since he hasn't spoken before this many supporters in months. But I still really think his, opening where he greets his "fellow citizens" is going to confuse people.

Later today we have some free time, so he and I are going to head up to Harlem to hang out with some old friends from our Colombia days, when he was in school here and never thought he'd be elected to an office where it would matter what he did for a couple of aimless years in the Big Apple.

And no, that isnt' a typo.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Uh Oh

So after we watched all of Big Guy's TV appearances this morning for the umpteenth time, he and I and a couple of other aides rehearsed a speech he'll be making tomorrow. The idea behind the speech is to have him talking about the wonderful innovations America is developing.

But the real reason is for him to announce his support for regulating the Internet, something called "Net Neutrality." The way Big O was describing it, it sounds like socialism to me, but hey, you get what you elect, right?

More important to me at the moment was the way Big Guy talked about how important it was that the government make sure everyone couldn't do anything unique or special online, and he kept looking at my screens with this weird look in his eyes, like he was telling me, "I know what you've been doing, and now the feds are gonna shut you down sucka."

Or maybe he was just rehearsing a new, steely look, getting ready to face down the Russians next week at the G20. But then I remember that look for the Russians is a good six months too late and is now useless.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

"Go Ahead ... Touch It."

This may fall under the TMI protocol, but it's the only way to explain Big Guy's behavior lately.

You see, when he was bored during his days as a state senator in Illinois - and he was bored alot - Big Guy would sit at his desk and pretend my screens were cockpit shields for his X-Wing fighter in a space battle against the Sith Empire.
That said, I think the pressures of the health care debate have gotten to him. He really believes he could medal in light sabering in the 2016 Olympics.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Hungary for More

Big Guy got great news last night, and he could barely contain himself. Hungary agreed to take one of our terrorists from Guantanamo off our hands. That, along with the terrorist Germany is going to take and the one the Czech Republic is considering, leaves us with 253 terrorists to give away.

This is just like that unpleasant puppy experience we had back in Chicago. But I don't think Lady M has a big enough sack for all these unadopted fellows.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Busy 24 Hours

Wow, I'm beat. First, Big Guy and I recorded that little comment about Kanye, so that Bill Burton could hand it off to ABC News, which would make it look like it was "accidentally" leaked. I hate to tell Burton this, but I think he has enough incompetent interns in that press office that they didn't need to make this big of an effort. Besides, somehow I doubt most Americans believe Big Guy even knows who this white girl, loved by those weird people who cling to their guns and their Bibles and their income, is.

Then it was off to rehearse for today's big speeches. The first one just finished up in Pittsburgh, and here, Big Guy had to act like he was just full of piss and vinegar for a fight over health care. That wasn't a problem for Big O, in part because the audience were union folks, whom Big Guy knows will do just about anything for him.

Big Guy is the kind of person who keeps a tall of his friends and his enemies and has Rahm monitor the list and keep it up to date based on every little slight. So, for example, this morning, ACORN was dropped a notch and the AFL-CIO was moved up a spot. ACORN, because Big Guy discovered that the group was pimping for people other than him, and the AFL-CIO because, well, they aren't ACORN, and don't show up on grainy undercover video footage.

Well, at least until the FBI divulges it in grand jury testimony.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Ownership Society

This is kind of an interesting time for us in the White House, particularly for those of us who've been with Big Guy for a while, before he was famous and popular and the most powerful man on the face of the earth - okay, he was all those things before most of you knew him, but still we're trying to be humble. But I digress.

So for years Big Guy couldn't afford to own much of anything. He was a community organizer, after all, and when all you have to your name is a Teleprompter, a long extension cord to power that Teleprompter when you're walking the neighborhood, and some suits your little side business while at Columbia helped pay for, well, you come to appreciate what you have. 

Flash forward to today, he's written two autobiographies, one with his life-trainer Bill Ayers, one on his own, that made him millions.  He's bought a house in Chicago that we really couldn't afford except for that favorable rate we got from the Senate credit union or wherever it is he got it from, and he's got this great investment adviser recommended to us by Rep. Charlie Rangel, which has worked out just phenomenally well for all of us.

But now, I think having all of this stuff has really gotten to Big Guy's head.  Just yesterday in Minnesota he told the crowd - adlibbing, cause it wasn't loaded in me - that he "owned" health care.  And earlier this summer he told a crowd in Iowa that he "owned" the economy. 

I'm not the greatest investor, but based on what Timmy Geithner and others are saying about the economy and health care, I guess I'm a little surprised we bought those. Then again, Big Guy still uses that Betamax recorder a lot.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Where We Were

Big Guy and Toes and Gibbsy and I were sitting around last night thinking about where we were on September 11th, 2001. Toes was up on Capital Hill. As he recalls, he was in a meeting about how to smear a Republican Party operative in Chicago who was mulling a challenge to him for his House seat. Gibbsy thought he was in a meeting down in North Carolina with labor leaders on how to overturn the "right to work" status of the state. I think I was in DC, and was supposed to do a standup at a conference, which got canceled.

Big Guy thought he spent the day over at Bill Ayers' house.

We all agreed that it's safe to say those couple of hours won't make it into Big Guy's third volume of his autobiography.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

A Healthful Speech

Big Guy and I just finished our final run through for the speech tonight, with Toes and Gibbsy taking notes. Actually, there were no notes, because they were so busy applauding during the speech.

Big Guy was really wound up, and he's ready for a fight. He says this whole summer of attacks and untruths has just made him sick and tired, and Toes had to caution him on that, as under the Obamacare plan, a patient can't be treated for being both "sick and tired," and there are no prescription drug rations set aside for those who are both "sick and tired." It's times like these that make me appreciate being nothing more than humble hard drive. But I digress.

This speech is going to be awesome. Toes and Gibbsy were yelling stuff at Big Guy from the back of the auditorium where we rehearsed, pretending to be Republicans in the well, who no doubt will be grumbling after every other sentence Big O utters. We have some rehearsed lines for Big Guy when faced with this kind of negativity, but I can't share any of those zingers with you, because it would ruin the surprise. And, well, there really aren't any.

But I can tell you that one of the best moments will be when Big Guy says, "If you come to me with a serious set of proposals, I will be there to listen. My door is always open. But know this: I will not waste time with those who have made the calculation that it’s better politics to kill this plan." This is the moment all of the TV networks will really focuse on. Sure, it's because we told them to, but also because the stage directions that will scroll on screen, like, "Look to center camera. Stare. Hard. Like that Hawk guy from the TV show", will make the moment really dramatic. Completely staged, but really dramatic.

Besides, there is no way Republicans could kill this bill. The death panels we've put in place are controlled by Democrats.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Which Public Option Does He Mean?

Up at Camp David over the weekend, we mostly worked really hard on the Congressional speech for Wednesday night.

Because we expect the Wednesday speech to be at least as popular as the school speech, we had the Camp David staff sit in to applaud during the speech so we could time out exactly how long it would take us to get through the full speech.Usually a Big Guy tour de force - like there is any other kind of Big Guy speech - takes up to 90 minutes if he has something he really wants to say. And boy, does he have a lot to say on Wednesday.

We were really surprised that Big O was able to read the speech in under 10 minutes. I mean it was just crickets in the room; which makes me wonder what kind of health insurance those Camp David guys have. So we asked Jon Favreau, our speechwriter and well known film director and schlubby actor, to break off from his directorial duties on "Iron Man 2" and come back rewrite the speech with a few more, "Let me be clears" and "Let's do it for Teddys" to make sure we could get some energy in the room.

It's a pretty clear cut speech.  Big Guy will tout the "public option" and the need for change.  But I guess I'm missing the point, I thought he was talking about health care, why he has to bring up the choices voters have in 2010 is beyond me, but I guess Axelrod knows best. 

The Speech Big Guy Was Going to Make ...

People have been asking about the "original" school address for this morning. Well, Big Guy didn't get too far with it, but this about all I had loaded into my hard drive as of last Monday.

Good morning.

Today I am going to speak to you about me. Well, not entirely about me; I will speak to you about you, too, but mostly I’m going to talk about me and how you can be like me. Because I have had a great deal of experience in school. In education. In learning. In teaching. In learning to teach.

Many years ago, as a young, multi-racial youth living on foreign soil, I had fears starting in my new elementary school. This may surprise you, but I was a goofy looking kid, with big ears and a big mouth that could just run, and run and run. But I had hope on that first day in Hawaii. And I had desire. Loads of desire. And I embraced that load and transformed it into something good, and positive. It was called the intent to achieve. Because sometimes intentions really are enough.
You know, after I got acclimated to school, and the school got acclimated to me, I had a great time. Sure there were challenges. The swirlies. The wet willies in my oversized ears. The nights spent huddled in my locker against my will. But I have found a way to channel those times of trial into something positive: our national agenda of apology for enhanced interrogation techniques against innocent terrorists.

And so I say to each of you who’s found yourself on the wrong end of a urinal cake, take heart. At some point down the road, you will find an opportunity to get back at every single one of those individuals who harmed you. It’s a great feeling.

Now let me speak to those students who perhaps aren’t going to achieve. Let me be clear with you: I know how you feel. You may not know this, but I wasn’t the greatest student in the world. I went to a nondescript college in California before transferring to Columbia in New York and then, using my multi-racial status and designation as a Muslim, which I no longer need to use, I was able to get into Harvard. But this is America, and the beauty of America is that no one can release any documents about you unless you want them released; so if you're a mediocre student, never fear. No one will know. Unless you’re involved in defending America or involved in a national security project, in which case, all bets are off.

And while none of you can be me. Ever. You can be like me.

My message, though, is this: don’t fear mediocrity. It can empower you, just as it empowered me. No one will know. And if you get the right ghostwriter, and make the right friends, and use the right technology tools to speak with a basso profundo and slight southern twang, you can seem a lot smarter than you really are. Again, embrace this. Make it work for you.

Now, I did learn a few tricks as a hall monitor, let me share them with you before I get to the real point of this speech ... health care reform and what we're doing to make American safe again from her citizens …

Back to School

Big Guy is really excited to be doing his speech to students this morning. All those bright, eager, young faces ready to learn reading, writing and arithmetic from the finest teachers available.

And as soon as he's finished with that speech to the kids in China, he'll speak to the American kids about whatever it is the NEA approved for him to say.   

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Stand and Deliver

So Big O was looking over his schedule for the next two weeks and saw that he's on the hook for several pretty big speeches. Next week, we'll be beamed live into every public school classroom across America. It's true that this has been done before in places like the Soviet Union, China, North Korea and Venezuela, but this will be a first here in the U.S. and we can't be prouder to be the first administration with the TV programming chops to pull it off.

The program will go like this: after the students sing Big Guy's song, he will talk to them about the importance of health care and how if we don't have universal, government-managed care, all of their parents will die and the kids won't have any candy or allowance. This isn't a scare tactic. It's an age-appropriate and verifiable fact from the Office of Management and Budget. And just to perfectly clear, this won't come off as overly threatening, because Elmo will be sitting on Big Guy's desk signing the speech. It could be worse, we could have Joey B doing the signing.
Then, once again, Big Guy and I will be going up to Capitol Hill on September 9th to make a nationally televised speech before a joint session of Congress. Big Guy was a little confused about this event. He saw the title, "Chronic State of the Health Care Debate" and "joint session" on the briefing document and thought he was going off with his "green" adviser Van Jones for what we in the Oval call a "policy briefing."
Toes said those "policy briefings" weren't going to be happening as often as they have been, since that's where we hatched the whole idea for national health care in the first place.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

D if For ...

Joe Biden said he was walking on air last night when Big Guy finally sealed the deal. One of his heroes is joining the team. You'll be hearing a lot more about this, but we've got a new member of the Cabinet, and it's really appropriate since he actually lives in a cabinet.

Elmo will be coming on board as Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security, in charge of flu policy. I'm assuming he will be developing how best to ensure everyone gets the flu in an equitable manner. Elmo drove a hard bargain - Bruno isn't allowed to stick his cold hands up the furry red guy's back - but what we're giving up in TV and publication rights it worth it to have a star of stage and screen of his stature joining the team.

Joey B says he's relieved to have another member of the team who feels comfortable moving his lips when he reads. Toes just seems happy to have a new puppet around for him to play with; he seems to be growing weary of the White House and national press corps. I'm just sorry the negotations between Timmy Geithner and The Count didn't work out; he would have been great to have around during budget time.