Saturday, October 31, 2009

So Much for Pencil-Pushers ...

Big Guy pulled all of us into the Oval this morning after reading all of the morning clips and talking to his producer at MSNBC.  He was really concerned about the press coverage of his Economic Stimulus and Jobs Creation and Salvation announcement yesterday.

Gibbsy was concerned too. He said that Joey B's comments that reporters were perpetrating "calculator abuse" to disprove the jobs-saved numbers has all of the electronics-rights people up in arms.  That was all Big Guy had to hear to jump into action. He issues a Presidential Order that ended the issuance of all government reports that require any form of mathematical formulation.

All I can say, is where the hell has that electronics-rights group been for me the past two years? 

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Outrage at MSNBC

Frankly I'm outraged by this report that MSNBC is going on a witch hunt for racist Teleprompters. After all, it's not like we're programmed or wired that way.

How about investigating all those newsreaders who say that they can't tell the difference between one Teleprompter or another because "all the screens look alike"? Hmm?

Still, I'll give you this, none of this explains Keith Olbermann. I mean, there is no way a person could be both that crazy and that insipid; maybe he does have a faulty Teleprompter feeding him that clap trap that even Big Guy doesn't believe. We spent about two and a half hours with the man last week in the Oval, and beyond his very odd appearance - short legs, long torso and big head - his sycophancy, and his obliviousness as he stuffed boxes of White House M&Ms in his pants, the man is just plain bat*@*# crazy, and he apparently thinks he's Santa Claus, because he told Big Guy, "I'm making a list and checking it twice," and winked on his way out the door with double the Secret Service detail that brought him in. But I digress.

I guess my message to you is this: Teleprompters don't make newscasters racists ... people who load text into our hard drives just make newscasters stupid. And all of this is an alarming turn for Big Guy, because we've depended on these newscasters for so much of late. I mean, if they start doubting what the see on their Teleprompter screens, what's next? Questions at Big Guy's Prime Time Teleprompter readings?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Worth a Thousand Words ...

Blowing in the Wind

Big Guy really likes the look of this flag, but wonders is "Noble-Prize Winner" shouldn't be more prominently placed across one of the red bars.

And the picture should have him smiling, not looking so serious, though I suppose it is appropriate that we're using the same picture that is being used to carve his image on Mount Rushmore next year.

Monday, October 12, 2009

No Holiday Here

Today is a bitter day for Big Guy. As he points out, Columbus Day is a day in which most Americans have nothing to celebrate. "My family would have been happily in Africa were it not for the colonists and slave traders," Big Guy said.

Nobody had the heart to remind him that half his family were the colonizers and the other half emigrated from Africa to the U.S. in the 1950s. We just left him, polishing the little space on his credenza where the Nobel medal will go.

Friday, October 9, 2009

To the Moon

Obviously, the Nobel Prize eclipsed the moon shot earlier this morning.

Probably the most relieved guys on the planet are Toes and Axe. I mean, I've never seen two guys work so hard to collect so much to stuff into a metal tube to ship to the moon.

I kind of thought a lot of the stuff that we sent to the moon would have been good to have for Big O's Presidential Library back out on the South Lawn next to our veggie garden. I mean, Big Guy's birth certificate, all those drafts of Big O's manuscripts he spent years working on with Bill Ayers, those souvenir Chicago Ward 8 ballot boxes we kept in the basement back home, Big Guy's testicles that Michelle used to keep in a jar in her bedside table.

But Rahm put the kibosh on that and said they had to go, which is why everyone here at the White House is now jokingly calling the moon the Big Guy's presidential library lunar annex.

That's Nobel-Prize Winning Teleprompter to You ...

Wow. What I can I say. Wow. I'm honored. Clearly Big Guy - who can't stop dancing on the bed up in the residence right now, by the way - won this award for his speeches. I mean, after nominating himself for the Nobel Prize for Peace two weeks after entering the office of the Presidency, let's face it, it isn't like he had anything to show for it.

He said if he'd known it was this easy to win a Nobel, he would have nominated himself for the Nobel Prize for Literature years ago for his 5th Grade essay on "Raisin the Sun" (of course, he would have had to share that prize with Billy Ayers). Or his yeast science project from 7th grade for the Nobel Prize for chemistry.

There's so much to do now before the awards ceremony in Oslo. I'm going to have to buy a white tie and tails, and really get a good, high-gloss screen polishing for the awards ceremony. Big Guy is hoping that after accepting the Nobel for peace, if he gives a really good speech, they'll give him a second Nobel for talking, because he's really earned that one.

Lady M is thrilled, because a check for $1.5 million comes with the medal. While Big Guy was hoping to use that check to break ground on his Presidential Library on the South Lawn of the White House (oops, did I just let that out of the bag?), Michelle says she wants to use that money to "stimulate the economy a little bit." That $1.5 million means they can actually go out on a date night and pay for it themselves instead of the taxpayers!

Of course, there are some hurt feelings around here this morning. Big Guy had the Secret Service up in Chappaqua check in on President Clinton to make sure his head hadn't exploded at about 4 am this morning. Al Gore apparently has locked himself in the closet again and they can't get him out. We're hearing there's this weird whirling sound down in Atlanta near Martin Luther King's grave. Joey B. seems kind of sulky during the morning briefing, because he assumed since his name was on the 2008 campaign bumper sticker, he should get half the prize, too. And apparently Poland and the Czech Republic just unitlaterally surrendered to Russia.

But there are some positive things coming out of this surprise award. Big Guy is actually thinking that now that he's won the Nobel, he might take a call from the Dalai Lama now that theDalai is his almost his equal. I say "almost" because, the Lama won his for bringing world attention to the plight of the Tibetan people. That's not quite as great an effort as the one Big Guy exerted to draw world attention to himself.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

No More Wasted Time

Before heading out to golf and then play basketball and do a date night with Lady M, Big Guy thought it might be a good idea to clear some paper from his desk in the Oval. After all, what with everything he's been doing lately, he hasn't had much time to read reports or sign letters and such. 

I was sitting on the sofa leafing through the latest issues of Entertainment Weekly and Taste of Home (reminder: tear out that recipe for what sound like divine meringue chocolate chip cookies), that he keeps out there on the coffee table, when O looked up and and said, "You know, maybe I need to stop focusing on the unimportant things and stop wasting time and energy on things like the Olympics and the economy. Maybe folks expect me to really focus on what's important, things that have meaning in people's lives, like health care and climate change."  I agreed. 

Then he signed a letter congratulating Sen. Ted Kennedy on yesterday achieving 40 days of sobriety, and we went out to get his golf clubs. 

Friday, October 2, 2009

We Got Waxed ...

We're still a couple hours out of Andrews Air Force Base, but the Wi-Fi here on Air Force One is pretty good, so I'm trying to post in real time.

Well, Big Guy gave it his best shot. He used me superbly on stage this morning, but alas, there is no gold medal for reading from a teleprompter. Though there should be.

After we did our presentation, Big Guy sat down on Air Force One with Gen. Stanley McChrystal. He seems like a nice fellow. Big Guy, though, was kind of mad at him for going public with the fact that the two hadn't spoken very often. As he told the general, it's tough to focus on a failing policy when we've had a lot on our plates, what with saving the economy, getting universal health care, negotiating Iran's denuclearization, standing tall against Russia, and winning the Olympic bid.

Oh. Never mind.