I Have Returned

With Toes finally flittering off to Chicago for that new job opportunity as Chicago's dog catcher, Big Guy finally had the confidence to pull my screens off the shelf and have me reassembled for today's press conference.

So, what's been going on? Did I miss anything?

I heard there was an election, though nobody around here is talking much about it anymore. The last person who said anything was our national security adviser Jim Jones. A couple weeks ago we were in a staff meeting with Big Guy and talking about the election and Jonesy said, "There's no way the people of Delaware would elect someone who they barely know and with almost no experience. I mean, who the hell gets elected like that? It could just drive the country into a ditch." Big Guy's eyes started to well up and next thing I hear, Jonesy is headed off to spend more time with his family.

I'm looking over today's remarks by Big Guy, and they are actually pretty brief and to the point. Basically, the words, "Be humble ... the American people have spoken ... be humble ... the American people have spoken ... will just scrolling across my screen.

Really, whatever He says isn't that big a deal, since we aren't sticking around to see how it all plays out. Big Guy, Lady M and the rest of us are headed for an exotic spa weekend to India, where he's rented out the entire Taj Mahal Resort for all of us as kind of a morale builder and to take a break from all the golf we've been playing. Big Guy wishes that he could bring a lot of the unemployed Americans with us to boost their spirits, too, but maybe we can send them each a post card so they can experience this trip vicariously through us. Man, I wonder what a hotel that costs us $200 million a day looks like. I hear all the minibars have unicorns that crap candy and rainbows on an hourly basis.

Of course, it isn't going to be all mud baths and papaya facials. He'll be making a speech, too. But unlike just about everything else, we aren't going to be outsourcing this project. There can be no mistakes; it's too important to the people of India. And besides, this Presidential gig isn't going to last forever, and a guy who can read his lines flawlessly off a screen probably has a pretty good future in Bollywood.