With Toes finally flittering off to Chicago for that new job opportunity as Chicago's dog catcher, Big Guy finally had the confidence to pull my screens off the shelf and have me reassembled for today's press conference.
So, what's been going on? Did I miss anything?
I heard there was an election, though nobody around here is talking much about it anymore. The last person who said anything was our national security adviser Jim Jones. A couple weeks ago we were in a staff meeting with Big Guy and talking about the election and Jonesy said, "There's no way the people of Delaware would elect someone who they barely know and with almost no experience. I mean, who the hell gets elected like that? It could just drive the country into a ditch." Big Guy's eyes started to well up and next thing I hear, Jonesy is headed off to spend more time with his family.
I'm looking over today's remarks by Big Guy, and they are actually pretty brief and to the point. Basically, the words, "Be humble ... the American people have spoken ... be humble ... the American people have spoken ... will just scrolling across my screen.
Really, whatever He says isn't that big a deal, since we aren't sticking around to see how it all plays out. Big Guy, Lady M and the rest of us are headed for an exotic spa weekend to India, where he's rented out the entire Taj Mahal Resort for all of us as kind of a morale builder and to take a break from all the golf we've been playing. Big Guy wishes that he could bring a lot of the unemployed Americans with us to boost their spirits, too, but maybe we can send them each a post card so they can experience this trip vicariously through us. Man, I wonder what a hotel that costs us $200 million a day looks like. I hear all the minibars have unicorns that crap candy and rainbows on an hourly basis.
Of course, it isn't going to be all mud baths and papaya facials. He'll be making a speech, too. But unlike just about everything else, we aren't going to be outsourcing this project. There can be no mistakes; it's too important to the people of India. And besides, this Presidential gig isn't going to last forever, and a guy who can read his lines flawlessly off a screen probably has a pretty good future in Bollywood.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Do I Have a Job Offer for You ...
Yes, it's true. In an effort to complicate matters for Senate Republicans last January, I did offer their Teleprompter a job in Big Guy's administration. Today, their regular Teleprompter is working with our ambassador to UNESCO in Rome. It's such a cushy job, I don't think he's had to scroll text in close to 18 months.
Look, have you seen the unemployment numbers lately? They suck. Everyone is looking for work. Now, granted, all of the people and machines who were offered jobs were already working. But you see, by taking the Administration job, we'd be opening up another job for someone else. Big Guy says this is how the free market works, or at least the one he understands.
This is really no different than how Big Guy got into politics. See, the state senator he wanted to replace died suddenly in a Chicago auto accident, and Big Guy was lucky enough to get the gig. You know, right place, right time. In fact, this happens a lot where we come from. Maybe this is just a midwestern cultural misunderstanding.
Look, have you seen the unemployment numbers lately? They suck. Everyone is looking for work. Now, granted, all of the people and machines who were offered jobs were already working. But you see, by taking the Administration job, we'd be opening up another job for someone else. Big Guy says this is how the free market works, or at least the one he understands.
This is really no different than how Big Guy got into politics. See, the state senator he wanted to replace died suddenly in a Chicago auto accident, and Big Guy was lucky enough to get the gig. You know, right place, right time. In fact, this happens a lot where we come from. Maybe this is just a midwestern cultural misunderstanding.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Vacation Time
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That's why the Obama Administration has a hard and fast rule we like to call the "20/20." You put in 20 hours of work a week, you deserve 20 hours of vacation time to recharge.
But there seems to be some confusion about our policy. A lot of people have been noting, for example, that today, BO stayed three hours in Louisiana to look at the oil spill, but then tomorrow will spend 5 hours on a golf course in Illinois. It doesn't add up, they say.
Well, if they'd won a Nobel Prize, they would understand that 3 hours in Louisiana dealing with a mess that was really the fault of the Bush Administration for being elected ten years ago, counts as more than 10 hours in Obama time. That, and we add an extra hour because he couldn't use me on the beach for opening remarks. And another hour because he got his hands dirty ... literally. Oil just doesn't wash off with soap and water, you know. It takes some time, and effort.
See, this if more Americans won Nobel Prizes, you'd all have a much better understanding of the way Big Guy works. And that whole deficit thing would make a lot more sense, too.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Out of Thin Ayres
I should be clear that Bill Ayers and I go way back. Oh, not so far back as you can tie me into his domestic terrorism days. But back far enough that my keyboard was used fairly extensive by him in writing Big Guy's first book, "Screams of My Father."
What's that? Oh, right. Well, that was the title Bill wanted. I guess he was working through some issues. Okay, let's face it, the man was deranged. But now he's been rehabilitated, in large part because he's a doppelganger to the leader of the free world.
Back then, we kind of tolerated Bill, who now goes by William, and we didn't have much contact with him until recently. But now I have to say I'm a bit peeved. See, I was supposed to appear on Robert McChesney's radio show, "The Bobbie McChesney Marxist Minute", which airs on NPR stations around the country, and which is produced in McChesney's bomb shelter out in rural Illinois somewhere. But he bumped me for Ayres, who now has - really - a cartoon book about how to teach radical politics to students.
I mean, you can't make this kind of thing up. Well, unless you're Bill Ayres and you're writing a biography about an obscure Illinois politician with a largely undocumented life.
What's that? Oh, right. Well, that was the title Bill wanted. I guess he was working through some issues. Okay, let's face it, the man was deranged. But now he's been rehabilitated, in large part because he's a doppelganger to the leader of the free world.
Back then, we kind of tolerated Bill, who now goes by William, and we didn't have much contact with him until recently. But now I have to say I'm a bit peeved. See, I was supposed to appear on Robert McChesney's radio show, "The Bobbie McChesney Marxist Minute", which airs on NPR stations around the country, and which is produced in McChesney's bomb shelter out in rural Illinois somewhere. But he bumped me for Ayres, who now has - really - a cartoon book about how to teach radical politics to students.
I mean, you can't make this kind of thing up. Well, unless you're Bill Ayres and you're writing a biography about an obscure Illinois politician with a largely undocumented life.
Operation Over-Lording
I can't believe that someone let the cat out of the bag and leaked the fact that Big Guy was going to be running against former President George W. Bush in 2010. We were hoping to keep it a surprise, like D-Day or the sexuality of Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan. Now everyone knows.
Axe and Toes say that running against W is genius, and that the American people won't bother to notice that the former President has been out of office for, oh, 18 months. Or that the only things you could really blame on him were his failure to clear all of the mesquite off the 20 acres toward the southern edge of his ranch in Texas, and that he turned the manuscript for his book into Random House 18 hours late.
I don't know how you blame10% unemployment, 12 trillion in new national debt, an increase in attempted terrorist attacks on U.S. soil, snickering about our failed foreign policies from our allies in Europe, and being a wholly owned subsidiary of China in less than a year in office, on President Bush.
But if there's a guy who can pull it off, it's our guy. But don't tell him I told you so.
Axe and Toes say that running against W is genius, and that the American people won't bother to notice that the former President has been out of office for, oh, 18 months. Or that the only things you could really blame on him were his failure to clear all of the mesquite off the 20 acres toward the southern edge of his ranch in Texas, and that he turned the manuscript for his book into Random House 18 hours late.
I don't know how you blame10% unemployment, 12 trillion in new national debt, an increase in attempted terrorist attacks on U.S. soil, snickering about our failed foreign policies from our allies in Europe, and being a wholly owned subsidiary of China in less than a year in office, on President Bush.
But if there's a guy who can pull it off, it's our guy. But don't tell him I told you so.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Visiting the Rust Belt
Big Guy and I had a lot of fun visiting the University of Michigan over the weekend. It's always nice to get out of Washington, with all the negativity that surrounds us here. Then again, it seems just about everywhere we go there is negativity. Frankly, Big Guy doesn't get it. Like he reminds all of us when we get down about the polls and the protests and the legislative losses, "Hey, America knows what it was getting ... well, except for the socialism and the debt, but whose fault is that? It's not like Rush Limbaugh wasn't warning them."
But up in Ann Arbor Big Guy really gets recharged. Back in the day, when Big Guy was nothing more than your run of the mill street-wise community organizer, pulling down a few grand a month from his ACORN grant, we'd travel from Chicago up there to Ann Arbor for long weekends hanging out at the U of M Alinsky chapter house, hazing recruits and giving the occasional lecture over the din to "The Nationale," which was played over and over again to keep our spirits up. Good times, Good times.
But you know, this was a bittersweet return for us. The kids just don't seem to get it. They want jobs, and a future, and Big Guy just isn't into all that right now. He was more concerned about killing the other night in front of our friends at the the White House Correspondents Dinner, and making Jay Leno look like a douche. And this is really the problem. How can Big O really focus on influencing the next generation, when he has to focus on day to day stuff.
Like an oil spill. This thing is really becoming a headache. Oh, not because of the toll on the Gulf Coast economy or the environment or the people. But because of the term, "Oil Spill." Last month, when Southern California got hit by that earthquake, BO and Axe and Toes got lucky. They just changed the name of the location where the earthquake took place from MexiCali Fault to Bush's Fault, and the problem just went away. But this oil spill deal is a real challenge, because none of us can figure out a way to change the term from "Oil Spill" to something with Bush's name in it.
As Axe noted, we have a few million left from the stimulus package, so we're going to hire some unemployed Hollywood writers full-time over at Commerce, whose job is going to be to figure out clever ways to work Bush's name into all of our national emergencies. We figure that should get us past the 2010 election cycle, and by then the economy will be going so good, no one is going to care any more anyway.
But up in Ann Arbor Big Guy really gets recharged. Back in the day, when Big Guy was nothing more than your run of the mill street-wise community organizer, pulling down a few grand a month from his ACORN grant, we'd travel from Chicago up there to Ann Arbor for long weekends hanging out at the U of M Alinsky chapter house, hazing recruits and giving the occasional lecture over the din to "The Nationale," which was played over and over again to keep our spirits up. Good times, Good times.
But you know, this was a bittersweet return for us. The kids just don't seem to get it. They want jobs, and a future, and Big Guy just isn't into all that right now. He was more concerned about killing the other night in front of our friends at the the White House Correspondents Dinner, and making Jay Leno look like a douche. And this is really the problem. How can Big O really focus on influencing the next generation, when he has to focus on day to day stuff.
Like an oil spill. This thing is really becoming a headache. Oh, not because of the toll on the Gulf Coast economy or the environment or the people. But because of the term, "Oil Spill." Last month, when Southern California got hit by that earthquake, BO and Axe and Toes got lucky. They just changed the name of the location where the earthquake took place from MexiCali Fault to Bush's Fault, and the problem just went away. But this oil spill deal is a real challenge, because none of us can figure out a way to change the term from "Oil Spill" to something with Bush's name in it.
As Axe noted, we have a few million left from the stimulus package, so we're going to hire some unemployed Hollywood writers full-time over at Commerce, whose job is going to be to figure out clever ways to work Bush's name into all of our national emergencies. We figure that should get us past the 2010 election cycle, and by then the economy will be going so good, no one is going to care any more anyway.
Monday, April 26, 2010
I'm Back
My apologies for being out of the loop for the past month. You see, there just wasn't much to joke about. Oh, I suppose I could've tried to make light of health care "reform." But what's the point of that? And easy Rahm jokes? Nah. I'm better than that. To be sure, Big Guy has been using me at every turn. And, oh, I have stories to tell. But we have plenty of time to catch up.
The big news over the weekend is that Big Guy had to cancel his summer vacation to Scottsdale, Arizona. He'd really been looking forward to playing golf out there for a few days. But given this "misguided" immigration law that was enacted, he says he doesn't feel comfortable going out there, what with his not having a birth certificate and all ... I mean, the original of his birth certificate. Oh, you know what he meant. He has a valid birth certificate ... as far as you know.
The other big news around here that has a lot of us nervous is what is happening with Goldman Sachs. I saw this one coming, unfortunately. For weeks, Big Guy was just railing against the investment house. He wasn't happy that Goldman wasn't hiring enough of our friends, so of course his order to "make them pay," steamrolls into a major Securities and Exchange Commission investigation, Congressional hearings and a media firestorm.
But now that we've created this mess, we're in a tight spot. See, Big Guy and Timmy Geithner say that Goldman Sach's greatest crime was betting against the American economy. The problem is, if that's the crime, just about every member of Big Guy's administration is guilty; it's going to be one hell of a frog march.
The big news over the weekend is that Big Guy had to cancel his summer vacation to Scottsdale, Arizona. He'd really been looking forward to playing golf out there for a few days. But given this "misguided" immigration law that was enacted, he says he doesn't feel comfortable going out there, what with his not having a birth certificate and all ... I mean, the original of his birth certificate. Oh, you know what he meant. He has a valid birth certificate ... as far as you know.
The other big news around here that has a lot of us nervous is what is happening with Goldman Sachs. I saw this one coming, unfortunately. For weeks, Big Guy was just railing against the investment house. He wasn't happy that Goldman wasn't hiring enough of our friends, so of course his order to "make them pay," steamrolls into a major Securities and Exchange Commission investigation, Congressional hearings and a media firestorm.
But now that we've created this mess, we're in a tight spot. See, Big Guy and Timmy Geithner say that Goldman Sach's greatest crime was betting against the American economy. The problem is, if that's the crime, just about every member of Big Guy's administration is guilty; it's going to be one hell of a frog march.
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