Monday, December 28, 2009

Aloha Means Whatever

Big Guy had a busy morning today. First, he had breakfast with Lady M.  Then he played with the neighborhood kids to make sure they got their daily allotment of exercise, that was followed by a nap after he canceled his morning national security briefing. Keeping kids fit is tough work.

But that nap wasn't entirely put to waste. Before nodding off, he said he thought quite a bit about Bruno and this terrorist attack that went slightly awry.  Then Big Guy played some golf.  Now some people have complained that Big Guy hasn't shown enough interest in this terrorist attack and that the staff out here employed a "strategy" to keep Big Guy away from the cameras.  But that's really giving our press staff and Toes way too much credit. I mean, the reporters out here are having so much fun, they haven't even tried to get Big Guy on camera. 
Publish Post

But I do have some news I can break, and it's kind of a bad news, good news kind of thing. First, the bad news: after a long process of review that took him through most of the front nine of his golf game today, Big Guy has decided that Bruno stays on at the Department of Homeland Security, if only so he can have a scapegoat when things really go bad. The good news? He shot a 40 on the front nine; being distracted by work apparently improves his focus.


  1. Oh TOTUS, that's not fair. The link doesn't work!

    Whatever you do, just make sure that Big Guy does NOT say anything to encourage the Iranian protestors! Not that he would, I mean, he really admires facists, after all, and probably doesn't fathom a crowd's willingness to die for old fashioned ideas like, "freedom", "liberty", yada yada. Which is probably why he hasn't said anything. Why be bored on vacation?

  2. Wow, TOTUS, you scrolled the T-word for BO, twice! Though I noticed that he seems to think this is an isolated extremist. How do we know he's isolated?

    In any case, Bruno sure stepped in it, eh? The system is working? Yeeeah, it's only because the explosive malfunctioned that no one was seriously injured. Epic fail.

  3. Those scapegoats are definitely a necessity.

  4. [TOTUS] "He shot a 40 on the front nine"

    Got little Timmy "The Leprechaun" Geitner to do his score card again, eh?

  5. TOTUS, what happened today? There seemed to be a lot of "um's" in such a short speech. Were you malfunctioning, or was the big guy speaking on his own again?

  6. [In the dingy back office of what appears out front to be a poifectly in-noh-cent droy cleanahs sit The Empty Suit, alias The Fraud from Abroad, alias Peach Obama alias...... and his loyal stooge, The Giggler. The phone on the table between them rings. Giggler picks it up.]

    Gig: Yeah, waddaya want? ...... Oh, yeah? Woyshouldee?............Okay, okay, you don'avetahyell. Hold on. [presses "Hold" button]

    Empty: [smoking, eyes half-shut, speaking slowly] Uuuuuuuh....... [puff, puff]....... uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh...... Who's that?

    Gig: Aaa, it's dose goys downnatt Uncle Sam's again. Dose Muslims keep breakin' in an' stealin' stuff an' settin' foyahs an' killin' dah woykahs an' such.

    Empty: Cool.

    Gig: So, loik, 'e wantsyatahelpimout wid some security. [looks at Empty inquiringly]

    Empty: Tell him to go to............ hmmmmmmmm......... uuuuuuh..... hmm. To uh, Detroit or... uh....oh..... aloha.

    Gig: Aloha. I'd do jus' dat, Boss, but yuse dah guy dat alluh 'iz relatives "voted" "Boss" last yee-ah. Remembah? People koyndah expectchahtah keep dah peace aroun' 'ere.

    Empty: Hmmm. Tell him I'll get back to him. I've gotta.... uuuuuh......... er...... think it over aaaaaaaaand... uh... recalibrate aaaand........[mutters on while Gig handles caller]

    Gig: [presses "Hold" -- OFF] Listen, fella. We'll get backtuhyah on dat........ yeah...........yeah...........dat's what McCrystal said too. Aloha. Dat's just too bad. You don't loik waitin', godowntahWalmardanngeddahgun an' do your own protection........ Oh [sneers] I wouldn' talk loik dat if I were you............. we'll get BACK to you. [click]

    Empty [texts his BFF's, Axelrod, Ayers, and Rahm .... "How do I pretend to help Uncle Sam and ruin him at the same time?" ---- Immediately, phone rings. Giggly and Rahm talk on phone while Empty smokes -- faster that way.]

    Gig: [hangs up phone] Okay, Do-- er, Boss. Here's duh plan. You send that giant bumblah, Bruno ovah dere tah be dah new "Chief of Security." [guffaws] Sam's will be ruined before duh end of duh month.

    Empty: Okay. I'll go get on TV and announce it so the whole neighborhood will [wink] know what the deal is.

    Gig: Sure. Aloha. But, [cough] you'll only be on for a few seconds. We, uh, don't want you to be overexposed, ya know, like Paris Hilton.

    Empty: [giggles] I am a lot like her, aren't I? [gazes his reflection in his Blackberry screen -- sighs dreamily]

  7. "Big Guy has decided that Bruno stays on at the Department of Homeland Security"

    Maybe he was just worried about doing permanent damage to the bus' undercarriage....

  8. Bwah, ha, ha, haaaaaAAAAAAAAA!

    Good one, dave.

    Yeah, if Hopey the Clown ever liquidates Bruno, he and Jobiden will have to, at 1701, assign him the job of searching the middle lane of the freeway just north of the Mexican border ("And, Bruno, you just keep these headphones on, on "High" -- yes it has to be Ozzie Osborn -- in case, er, in case we need to contact you....") for D'oh!'s spilled fly collection. With, of course, a wink and a nod and a "contribution" to a corrupt sheriff to ignore the van of illegals barrelling across at 1702.

    Headline next day:

    Amnesty Advocate Run Over by Undocumented Americans

  9. Correction:

    Make that the "dump truck of illegals." A van!?! What was I thinking?! She'd pulverize it like the Chihuahuah that crossed too slowly in front of a "Smart" Car.

  10. TOTUS - why did it take 3 days to respond to the terror attack? You weren't overloaded were you...because ya know the big guy depends on you.

  11. "How do I pretend to help Uncle Sam and ruin him at the same time?"

    --Great line, TWW! Har de har har.

    TOTUS, Dear, here's what you load in your ever so slim regard to the Panty Bomber..."You're doing a great job, BRUNO! Aloha".

  12. When he goes on vacation, isn't it only fair that we have one too? We need a law. Whenever he's on vacation, no appearances of any kind. We don't to hear from him. Don't phone home. No tee vee stories of his activities; nada, nothing. I don't want to look at the scars on the side of his head wondering whether they went in sideways for the lobotomy. I don't want to hear his take on terrorism or any other damn thing. I don't want to think about him, hear him, see him ever again until he's handing over the keys to...well, almost anyone else.

  13. PS, I'd think TOTUS would welcome a vacation too... recharge the old metaphorical batteries and all.

  14. Oh, annie, love it! "don't phone home"!

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