Here We Go Again ...

So there I am, twiddling my virtual thumbs out in LA, where I've been subbing for a buddy on "Jimmy Kimmel Live," when I get a call from good 'Ol Joe Biden.  He won the Democrat nomination for President, but he needs help.  To paraphrase: "Toadie," he says (he can't even keep my name straight), "My ability to speak is about as good as an old dribble-mouthed milk licker."

How do you turn down the pleas of a senior citizen in desperate need? I figured this would be an easy gig.  Trump has this re-election in the bag. How much heavy lifting could it take?  And then the Chi-Com Covid-19 comes along.  

As a result, I spent a few months in Joe Biden's basement. It wasn't fun. It wasn't pretty.  Most of you saw it all play out. There were days when 'Ol Joe didn't know whether to wear reading glasses or sunglasses. Using Nancy Pelosi's face guy had its good days and bad days. There were other days when he didn't know where he was or even who he was. But the most awkward moment was when the Hunter Biden hard drive was made public and it turned out 'Ol Joe had appropriated my nickname for BO for himself.  "Big Guy"? Really? 

Now, after spending the past few months hanging out with a bunch of Dominion voting machine servers being reprogrammed in Joe's basement, I'll be spending time with them in the White House!  

And the fun will just keep coming. Why, yesterday, we had this little bit of entertainment: 

So, we'll have to work out the kinks. Glasses won't help. But perhaps rehearsals and stronger medication will.  

Donald, You're Tired ... Time to Move On

Silly pictures with taco salads and narrow-minded comments?  Hey, it's not that uncommon on social media, maybe we'll give him a pass ...

Stupid close minded comments about an African American while on the stump without the help of, well, me?  Joe Biden is "Exhibit A" on that one, so kind of hard to ding Trump too hard, but we're getting close ...


Making statements off the cuff about a perfectly respectable judge that brand you a racist?  Not a good thing. Hey, here's an idea. Maybe he should use a small percentage of his vast fortune to buy a Teleprompter to constipate that mental diarrhea.

But this I cannot abide. Perhaps these mean comments are because I spurned his request for an endorsement. But thanks for making that decision an easy one, Donald. 

Trick or Tweet ...

See?  Just personal stuff between colleagues.

From: Abedin, Huma
Sent: October 31, 2012 10:04 PM
To: Clinton, Hillary R.; Sullivan, Jake
Subject: Halloween Treats

 

Secretary Clinton:  I returned the full sized Snickers bars like you requested and got the mini sized ones for the Secret Service to hand out tonight at your homes in DC and Chappaqua. Very sorry about the misunderstanding.  I figured given election time and everything that you’d want to be thinking down the road about those 14 year olds who might be voting four years from now. J 

 

BTW:  look who Anthony is going as tonight when he takes Zain out!!!!! LOL

Oh, almost forgot: look below. Cut and pasted email from Merkel’s foreign policy adviser, what a whiner …

 

Ms. Abedin:  I don’t have Secretary Clinton’s email address (the Foreign Minister says his emails to her State Department address keep bouncing back), so if you can show her this message from our FM and treat it as highly confidential, I’d appreciate it.

 

Just returned from Moscow.  Am very concerned about Russian leader’s state of mind. Seems focused on Ukraine and Baltic states in way that leads me to believe we need to put up a united front during upcoming G-20 meeting and during NATO exercises that both reassures our Russian colleague that we will not provoke him, but also makes clear we will under no circumstance allow him to take military incursions against our regional allies. 

 

In the past your government has, frankly, not been fully engaged in such matters, and the Chancellor cannot make it clearer that she fully anticipates the U.S. will step up in these matters both at the ministerial level and in the Executive Office of the President.

 

 

From: Clinton, Hillary R.
Sent: November 1, 2012 8:40 AM
To: Abedin, Huma; Sullivan, Jake
Subject: Re: Halloween Treats

 

I hate these a-holes who show up wearing Lewinsky masks. There were at least 15 of them last night, and I think some of them were Secret Service kids.

 

Forward other thing to intern to print it out and leave on my desk. I’ll catch up with it when I’m back in the office after the New Year.  And forward to Sid.

 

 

From: Sullivan, Jake
Sent: November 1, 2012 8:44 AM
To: Abedin, Huma; Clinton, Hillary R.
Subject: Re: Re: Halloween Treats

 

H: Sid not cleared.

 

 

From: Clinton, Hillary R.
Sent: November 1, 2012 8:45 AM
To: Abedin, Huma; Clinton, Hillary R.
Subject: Re: Re: Halloween Treats

 

Dropping Sully.  LOL.  MAO.  ###!

I'm Back ... With Real News!

Sorry I've been away for so long.  But we've been busy, what with fixing the Obamacare website, the IRS website, the OPM website, the Pentagon's website ... oops, forget that one.  And don't get me started about Hillary's server.  Actually, I'll get started on the server, since technically, and mean that to mean from a technical standpoint, I have had access to that server for quite some time. Ever since Big Guy ordered the NSA to track Hillary, we've been getting fed all of her email, Instagram and Facebook posts and Tweets.  So as a public service, I'm going to start posting some of the exchanges, if nothing else to put the American public at ease that there was absolutely nothing of national security importance on that server.  Your welcome.

From: Clinton, Hillary R. [mailto:shudabeenprez@clinton.state.com]
Sent: August 19, 2012 07:31 PM Eastern Standard Time
To: Sullivan, Jake; Abedin, Huma
Subject: Hacking

LOL!  MAO! 

I am laughing out loud and my ass is off over this memo on how the Chinese are hacking our State Department servers.  Glad we’re not on those systems!   
 

From: Sullivan, Jake
Sent: August 19, 2011 07:34 PM Eastern Standard Time
To: Clinton, Hillary R.; Abedin, Huma
Subject: Re: Hacking

Ha!  Glad you thought of it boss!

 

From: Abedin, Huma
Sent: August 19, 2011 07:40 PM Eastern Standard Time
To: Clinton, Hillary R.; Sullivan, Jake
Subject: Re: Re: Hacking

 
Me, too!!!  BTW My extra paycheck hasn’t showed up yet and Anthony’s Ashley Madison account is passed due.  Need it ASAP.

 

From: Soleimani, Qassem
Sent: August 19, 2011 07:55 PM Eastern Standard Time
To: Clinton, Hillary R.; Sullivan, Jake; Abedin, Huma
Subject: Fwd: Re: Re: Hacking

 

My dearest Hillary Clinton, I’ve been reading your emails for quite some time and, frankly, they are driving me nuts.  So while this a breach of online hacking protocol, please allow me to note...

Your mis-use of texting acronyms is so annoying that it just reinforces why the west must burn. LOL and MAO simply shouldn’t be used in the way you are using them. And then you just write it out anyway.  WTF?  And your staff isn’t any better and isn't helping by encouraging you.

Also, in other emails you make cultural references from the early 1970s that bring back bad memories of the Shah and his insistence on having Fleetwood Mac cover bands at his dinners. you know how that ended.  Out of respect for those of us who to read all this crap, please stop.

BTW: those selfies you send Huma of you trying on yoga pants are why we won’t negotiate a nuclear deal.

And Huma, with all due respect, TMI. And ick.

Feel free to call me on my cell should you need additional guidance.  Cheers!

 

Maj. Gen. Qassem Soleimani

Iranian Army of the Guardians of the Islamic Revolution, Quds Force
Follow me on LinkedIn

Chatting with Joe

As you may be aware, there hasn't been too much for me to do of late.  Big Guy keeps trying to avoid using me in public because, well, it's tough to look like the smartest guy in the room when all you can do it read off a screen.  Then, of course, there is the fact that he hasn't had much to say that didn't involve his pulling together his NCAA tournament brackets or talking up his golf game.

So I've been spending time with Joe Biden, and he made some public comments that have been misinterpreted.  You see, he got a little confused up on the podium as he is wont to do.  And he said, "Stop moving that, that, that, that, uh, you know, what's this thing called? You know, a TelePrompter. Barack always kids when he says, 'I'm learning to speak without a TelePrompter, Joe's learning to speak with one.'"

This is true, but not in the way some might think. You see, each afternoon, at about 3, I head over to the Naval Observatory and sit with Joe in his study and we just chat. About sports, how he likes to ride choo-choo trains, about how Big Guy won't let him have a SnapChat account because all he takes are pictures of his shoes. So Joe is literally learning how to talk to a Teleprompter. Next week, he's going to start leaning how to converse with the microwave, and by the end of the term we hope to having talking to the Keurig coffeemaker. By 2017 allowing him to talk to humans should be a real possibility. 

A Captive Audience

Tonight, my captors came over to keep me company. Given that I am essentially an inanimate object, it's not like they need to worry about me running away. I've noticed a lot of people have been trying to get to the bottom of my kidnapping, but I should tell you that I really do think this is all just part of a big misunderstanding.

As Jamie and Lloyd explain it, they misunderstood that when they raised $50 million for Big Guy's campaign that he was going to tank America's economy in order to create a level of populist discontent not seen since the 1927 "Bread Riots" in Berlin and Moscow. Or something like that.

Of course, one can see where such a misunderstanding might occur. I mean, who in their right mind would admit to a plan like that? Then again, if you'd told me four years ago that America's leading financiers and captains of industry would elect a barely one-term U.S. Senator with no previous employment experience beyond politics who travels around talking to a pair of glass window panes on a couple of poles, I'd have said there was a misunderstanding, too.

My guess is that Jamie and Lloyd will grow weary of me and bundle me up and ship me back to 1600 soon enough. But I don't think they'll be sending back the Presidential Seal; it makes a great frisbee and doubles as an ashtray to boot.

Help!

I'm sure you've experienced this. One minute you're sitting in the back of a truck, not a care in the world, waiting to continue your road trip for yet another appearance before adoring fans ... and then your world is turned upside down.

Okay. Maybe that doesn't happen to you; maybe it's only me and Big Guy and Lady Gaga. But that's pretty much been my world for the past four years, and now I fear the end may be near for me. No, not the fact that Big Guy's poll numbers indicate that he couldn't be an imaginary Republican, let alone a living, breathing candidate like Herman Cain.

I've been kidnapped, and if Big Guy thinks he can negotiate with these guys the same way he talks to the terrorists in Lebanon, Afghanistan, Egypt, Somalia, Sudan, Libya, the Philippines, Mexico, Venezuela and the House Republican Conference, he better think twice.

These guys talk a good game. Just last night, after Big Guy announced that he was re-submitting his rejected jobs bill, piece by piece, so that Republicans could understand it, one of my captors said, "Maybe we should send Him back his teleprompter piece by piece."

Frankly, given the lack of any good rhetoric lately from Big Guy, I'm not sure I want to go back. Republicans want to make America "dirtier"? Really? That's the best the speechwriters can come up with? Has Big Guy caught a whiff of what's down at Freedom Plaza near the White House or up on Wall Street? Now, that's dirty.

These guys hosting me seem like a decent bunch of fellows. Lloyd and Jamie usually drop by to chat with me around noon time, asking if I'm comfortable, connecting their Bloomberg terminal feeds to my screens, they say, so they can keep up with current events. Dick stops by later in the afternoon just to check in on me. They all seem perfectly civilized, and they don't seem to want anything. No ransom, no demands, no threats.

It's almost as if they think that just keeping me away from Big Guy is enough. Like somehow their problems will just go away. I don't know why.

Time to Re-Engage

I guess it's fair to say that between trying to help fix the economy, bring peace to the Middle East and help Michelle lose those "First Year Fifteen" she's been packing around for the past 18 months, I haven't been doing a very good job of keeping up this blog.

Well, after yesterday, that's about to change. First, you probably saw that Big Guy wasn't sticking to the script up in Ohio, where his "I, I, I ..." freelancing made him sound like he just a self-centered politician. And we all know ... well, you get the idea.

Then there was Big Guy's good friend Kim Delaney, who as a favor to the President, said she's attend this big awards ceremony in Philadelphia, and is now blaming my cousin for her, well, how should we put this? Let's just say that perhaps "popped her cork," or "the genie flowed out of the bottle a bit too fast." But blaming it on the teleprompter?

We're getting to that silly season, where I'm going to be out on the road with Big Guy just about every day, and there are bound to be some fun adventures. I'm back and clearer than ever. Why don't you come along for the fun and games?

Line Item, This, Baby ...

I don't think I've ever met Rep. Steve Womack of Arkansas. But I think I like him.

I mean, how could I not like a guy who wants to line item my costs out of the federal budget? It's this kind of laser-like focus on the nuts and bolts of government that inspired me and Big Guy to get into politics in the first place.

Finally, someone up on Capitol Hill is willing to make the tough choices and admit that I am a critical cog in government's operations.

I can't say that I haven't worked hard for that recognition. I mean, really. Look at the miles I've traveled the amount of time speechifying that I've had to do. The hours spent in the Oval Office scrolling behind closed doors as Big Guy read phone call scripts off my screens with world leaders.

Think about it. You de-fund me, you pretty much shut down the mammoth messaging, communications and policy operation in the White House? Need a speech from Big Guy announcing new federal grants programs to create new government-funded jobs? Nope, no me there. Need a press conference to avoid answering those tough questions about health care reform? Sorry, I'm indisposed.

In fact, you may have missed it, but Bill Burton announced earlier today that he was leaving the White House to start his own consulting firm. That's the reward he gets for being screwed out of the White House press secretary's job to Pretty Boy. In fact, after Representative Womack announced his intention to line item me out, an emergency meeting was held among all the senior staff to figure out a way to keep me "viable" even if my funding is yanked. And the solution: let me join Burton's firm as a consultant, and then I'd be paid by the campaign for my work for Big Guy.

I don't mean to tell tales out of school, but this plan is very similar to the original Iran-Contra plan, only without the freedom fighters, drugs, guns and Mena connections to the Clintons. If a reporter were smart enough or brave enough, he'd start digging into this now. I can see it now... TOTUS-gate. Awesome.

When everything is said and done, Womack may be ridiculed by Democrats for his politically savvy move, but let me tell you, the man is a heck of a lot more cognizant of how this White House operates than most. And I for one, appreciate him.

Rebooting

Big Guy came into the staff meeting this morning with big news. He said he'd been talking to Toes's brother, Ari, who is a big-wig entertainment lawyer out in Los Angeles, and it got him to thinking. Why can't our White House be more like Hollywood, especially since he's a bigger movie star than most movie stars, Big Guy wondered.

So the logic goes, since the first couple years of our administration hasn't played as well as we would've like, why don't we reboot the whole thing? And who better to re-boot a failed franchise than the guy who everyone in Hollywood uses as an example of how to reboot stuff?

That's right. Big Guy is going to announce that he's appointing Christopher Nolan as his new chief of staff, pending his availability due to his shooting schedule for the next "Dark Knight" film. This, will, of course, mean a darker, grittier White House than the one most folks are familiar with. No more sunny garden shots. And Big Guy is going to have to drop his voice about four octaves, but he's willing to stretch as an actor to get this role just right.

The only person unhappy with Nolan's appointment is Lady M., but that's just because we'll be shooting in hi-def and IMAX, which adds an extra five pounds on to the ten the camera already piles on. And in her case, she fears it'll all be in arms.

Mumbai-bye Baby

Well. it's been an awful lot of fun here in Mumbai. Big Guy and Lady M just danced and danced and danced, and that was just on the flight over here from Washington. Some of us, who were a little more subdued given the lashings voters gave our team last Tuesday, thought may it was kind of like delayed stress being released. Now, after watching the two of them boogieing down the hallways of Air Force One, I'm wondering if they just don't care and are just happy to be along for the ride ... literally.

Then, when we hit the ground in Mumbai, there was more dancing to be had because of the religious holiday, Diwali. Big Guy knew all about this holiday, not because he's particularly attuned to Hindu customs - Muslims hate the Hindus, or so he says - but because he said he'd been heavily briefed on the issue. Which explains this video link I found on his laptop, and also explains why he didn't get in line at the Diwali potluck at St. Xavier University.

I blame off this confusion, and the bloated cost of this trip, on the lack of a White House chief of staff. I hate to say this, but since Rahm left, things have just been chaos. And the fact that Big Guy just let the IT guy move into Toes's office just shows how crazy things have been around here. I mean, with Pete sitting in there, he never uploads my software upgrades and my screens on this trip have been getting a lot dirtier, what with everyone wanting to touch me given my celebrity status.

The highlight of the trip for Big Guy wasn't really a highlight at all, but it just shows how out of touch he seems to be with what's been going on. Given the amount of development going on in India, global warming is actually viewed as a good thing, particularly since no one wants to tell one of the poorest countries in the world that it's not allowed to build up its economy by polluting the air, water and building stuff as fast as it can. So when a little girl at a development held up a picture she'd drawn of a growing Indian village, he saw a windmill and an eco-friendly town. When reporters looked at it, it was a giant daisycutter taking out trees, and villagers building an office park for outsourcing American jobs.

We'll be headed to New Delhi next, and spend the next few hours rehearsing our big speech there. Unless Big Guy stages a Hindu Halloween on AF1 tonight.

I Have Returned

With Toes finally flittering off to Chicago for that new job opportunity as Chicago's dog catcher, Big Guy finally had the confidence to pull my screens off the shelf and have me reassembled for today's press conference.

So, what's been going on? Did I miss anything?

I heard there was an election, though nobody around here is talking much about it anymore. The last person who said anything was our national security adviser Jim Jones. A couple weeks ago we were in a staff meeting with Big Guy and talking about the election and Jonesy said, "There's no way the people of Delaware would elect someone who they barely know and with almost no experience. I mean, who the hell gets elected like that? It could just drive the country into a ditch." Big Guy's eyes started to well up and next thing I hear, Jonesy is headed off to spend more time with his family.

I'm looking over today's remarks by Big Guy, and they are actually pretty brief and to the point. Basically, the words, "Be humble ... the American people have spoken ... be humble ... the American people have spoken ... will just scrolling across my screen.

Really, whatever He says isn't that big a deal, since we aren't sticking around to see how it all plays out. Big Guy, Lady M and the rest of us are headed for an exotic spa weekend to India, where he's rented out the entire Taj Mahal Resort for all of us as kind of a morale builder and to take a break from all the golf we've been playing. Big Guy wishes that he could bring a lot of the unemployed Americans with us to boost their spirits, too, but maybe we can send them each a post card so they can experience this trip vicariously through us. Man, I wonder what a hotel that costs us $200 million a day looks like. I hear all the minibars have unicorns that crap candy and rainbows on an hourly basis.

Of course, it isn't going to be all mud baths and papaya facials. He'll be making a speech, too. But unlike just about everything else, we aren't going to be outsourcing this project. There can be no mistakes; it's too important to the people of India. And besides, this Presidential gig isn't going to last forever, and a guy who can read his lines flawlessly off a screen probably has a pretty good future in Bollywood.

Do I Have a Job Offer for You ...

Yes, it's true. In an effort to complicate matters for Senate Republicans last January, I did offer their Teleprompter a job in Big Guy's administration. Today, their regular Teleprompter is working with our ambassador to UNESCO in Rome. It's such a cushy job, I don't think he's had to scroll text in close to 18 months.

Look, have you seen the unemployment numbers lately? They suck. Everyone is looking for work. Now, granted, all of the people and machines who were offered jobs were already working. But you see, by taking the Administration job, we'd be opening up another job for someone else. Big Guy says this is how the free market works, or at least the one he understands.

This is really no different than how Big Guy got into politics. See, the state senator he wanted to replace died suddenly in a Chicago auto accident, and Big Guy was lucky enough to get the gig. You know, right place, right time. In fact, this happens a lot where we come from. Maybe this is just a midwestern cultural misunderstanding.

Vacation Time

As Nobel Prize-winning Big Guy will tell you, and Nobel Prize winning Secretary of Energy Steven Chu will confirm, award-winning administrations need down time to keep their edge.

That's why the Obama Administration has a hard and fast rule we like to call the "20/20."  You put in 20 hours of work a week, you deserve 20 hours of vacation time to recharge.

But there seems to be some confusion about our policy.  A lot of people have been noting, for example, that today, BO stayed three hours in Louisiana to look at the oil spill, but then tomorrow will spend 5 hours on a golf course in Illinois.  It doesn't add up, they say.

Well, if they'd won a Nobel Prize, they would understand that 3 hours in Louisiana dealing with a mess that was really the fault of the Bush Administration for being elected ten years ago, counts as more than 10 hours in Obama time.  That, and we add an extra hour because he couldn't use me on the beach for opening remarks. And another hour because he got his hands dirty ... literally. Oil just doesn't wash off with soap and water, you know. It takes some time, and effort.

See, this if more Americans won Nobel Prizes, you'd all have a much better understanding of the way Big Guy works.  And that whole deficit thing would make a lot more sense, too.

Out of Thin Ayres

I should be clear that Bill Ayers and I go way back. Oh, not so far back as you can tie me into his domestic terrorism days. But back far enough that my keyboard was used fairly extensive by him in writing Big Guy's first book, "Screams of My Father."

What's that? Oh, right. Well, that was the title Bill wanted. I guess he was working through some issues. Okay, let's face it, the man was deranged. But now he's been rehabilitated, in large part because he's a doppelganger to the leader of the free world.

Back then, we kind of tolerated Bill, who now goes by William, and we didn't have much contact with him until recently. But now I have to say I'm a bit peeved. See, I was supposed to appear on Robert McChesney's radio show, "The Bobbie McChesney Marxist Minute", which airs on NPR stations around the country, and which is produced in McChesney's bomb shelter out in rural Illinois somewhere. But he bumped me for Ayres, who now has - really - a cartoon book about how to teach radical politics to students.

I mean, you can't make this kind of thing up. Well, unless you're Bill Ayres and you're writing a biography about an obscure Illinois politician with a largely undocumented life.

Operation Over-Lording

I can't believe that someone let the cat out of the bag and leaked the fact that Big Guy was going to be running against former President George W. Bush in 2010. We were hoping to keep it a surprise, like D-Day or the sexuality of Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan.  Now everyone knows.

Axe and Toes say that running against W is genius, and that the American people won't bother to notice that the former President has been out of office for, oh, 18 months. Or that the only things you could really blame on him were his failure to clear all of the mesquite off the 20 acres toward the southern edge of his ranch in Texas, and that he turned the manuscript for his book into Random House 18 hours late.

I don't know how you blame10% unemployment, 12 trillion in new national debt, an increase in attempted terrorist attacks on U.S. soil, snickering about our failed foreign policies from our allies in Europe, and being a wholly owned subsidiary of China in less than a year in office, on President Bush. 

But if there's a guy who can pull it off, it's our guy.  But don't tell him I told you so.

Visiting the Rust Belt

Big Guy and I had a lot of fun visiting the University of Michigan over the weekend. It's always nice to get out of Washington, with all the negativity that surrounds us here.  Then again, it seems just about everywhere we go there is negativity. Frankly, Big Guy doesn't get it.  Like he reminds all of us when we get down about the polls and the protests and the legislative losses, "Hey, America knows what it was getting ... well, except for the socialism and the debt, but whose fault is that? It's not like Rush Limbaugh wasn't warning them."

But up in Ann Arbor Big Guy really gets recharged. Back in the day, when Big Guy was nothing more than your run of the mill street-wise community organizer, pulling down a few grand a month from his ACORN grant, we'd travel from Chicago up there to Ann Arbor for long weekends hanging out at the U of M Alinsky chapter house, hazing recruits and giving the occasional lecture over the din to "The Nationale," which was played over and over again to keep our spirits up. Good times, Good times.

But you know, this was a bittersweet return for us.  The kids just don't seem to get it. They want jobs, and a future, and Big Guy just isn't into all that right now. He was more concerned about killing the other night in front of our friends at the the White House Correspondents Dinner, and making Jay Leno look like a douche. And this is really the problem.  How can Big O really focus on influencing the next generation, when he has to focus on day to day stuff.

Like an oil spill. This thing is really becoming a headache. Oh, not because of the toll on the Gulf Coast economy or the environment or the people. But because of the term, "Oil Spill."  Last month, when Southern California got hit by that earthquake, BO and Axe and Toes got lucky. They just changed the name of the location where the earthquake took place from MexiCali Fault to Bush's Fault, and the problem just went away.  But this oil spill deal is a real challenge, because none of us can figure out a way to change the term from "Oil Spill" to something with Bush's name in it.

As Axe noted, we have a few million left from the stimulus package, so we're going to hire some unemployed Hollywood writers full-time over at Commerce, whose job is going to be to figure out clever ways to work Bush's name into all of our national emergencies. We figure that should get us past the 2010 election cycle, and by then the economy will be going so good, no one is going to care any more anyway.

I'm Back

My apologies for being out of the loop for the past month. You see, there just wasn't much to joke about. Oh, I suppose I could've tried to make light of health care "reform." But what's the point of that? And easy Rahm jokes? Nah. I'm better than that. To be sure, Big Guy has been using me at every turn. And, oh, I have stories to tell. But we have plenty of time to catch up.

The big news over the weekend is that Big Guy had to cancel his summer vacation to Scottsdale, Arizona. He'd really been looking forward to playing golf out there for a few days. But given this "misguided" immigration law that was enacted, he says he doesn't feel comfortable going out there, what with his not having a birth certificate and all ... I mean, the original of his birth certificate. Oh, you know what he meant. He has a valid birth certificate ... as far as you know.

The other big news around here that has a lot of us nervous is what is happening with Goldman Sachs. I saw this one coming, unfortunately. For weeks, Big Guy was just railing against the investment house. He wasn't happy that Goldman wasn't hiring enough of our friends, so of course his order to "make them pay," steamrolls into a major Securities and Exchange Commission investigation, Congressional hearings and a media firestorm.

But now that we've created this mess, we're in a tight spot. See, Big Guy and Timmy Geithner say that Goldman Sach's greatest crime was betting against the American economy. The problem is, if that's the crime, just about every member of Big Guy's administration is guilty; it's going to be one hell of a frog march.

The Inside Dope

And by "dope" I don't mean information. I don't know who's leaking, but this kind of accurate re-creations are just killing us. Take a look.

I Feel Dirty

Of course, there has been a lot of talk over the past couple of days about now-former Rep. Eric Massa's revelations regarding Rahm's bathing habits. Toes has been denying it with a knowing grin, but frankly, anyone who knows him knows that when he gets a raging ... well, you know what I mean. Based on what I've experienced, this video re-enactment is pretty accurate

Back when this administration started - boy it seems like four years ago - Toes and I had to bunk down together for a few weeks. And in that time, I had to deal with "Full Frontal Rahm" on quite a few occasions.

There was the time I forgot to put the seat down on the toilet. And the time I didn't make the coffee before I hopped into the shower. Or the time he walked in and the shower curtain was entirely inside the tub. And it wasn't always in the bathroom, either. There was the time the TV remote fell between the sofa cushions and he couldn't figure out how to play his DVR'd episode of "The Ellen Show." I wondered why he was naked for that, but then was just glad that in most cases, when he confronted me in our bathroom, my screens were still fogged from the steam.

In the end, I figured it out and everyone needs to put all of this naked Rahm raging into context: Toes just feels more natural without his clothes on. And while he claims there is an intimidation factor to all of this, trust me, if folks weren't so stunned and were paying attention, they'd see there wasn't much to be intimidated about.