Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Why Last Night Was Boffo

As part of the Obama Loyalty Oath and Obama Army Indoctrination Process, we at the White House monitor communications of a few ... okay, every ... member of the traditional media who has signed on with us. Last night's presser was a rousing success, in part because of individuals like the one's below. To give you FOTs an insight into why we are so successful , here is an excerpt from the texting string between two of those faithful followers. Since Google is part of the Administation, they share everything with us. The names have been changed to protect their privacy.

Keith Olbermann: Here comes the President.

Huffington Post: Oh, oh, here he comes. My God, he is magnificent.

Olbermann: He is truly our greatest natural resource. I would give up my job to move to Montana and begin carving his face on Mount Rushmore. If only I knew how to work with my hands. Cornell doesn't offer those kinds of courses ... it's an Ivy League school, you know.

FactCheck: Won't even bother with Mount Rushmore. Cornell is in the Ivy League, but not of the Ivy League, if you get my drift.

Huffington Post: Wait. He's about to say something. It sounds complicated. Apparently he is predicting we are going to have a "Good evening." See? The Obama Administration's policies are working already. One good evening begets another, and another.

Olbermann: He's talking more. This political team is so much savvier than the last Administration. You can tell because the stock market went up yesterday, and instead of hanging a sign behind the President saying, "Mission Accomplished", we all just got buttons that say that. Much more elegant and less gaudy. I think they are made of gold.

Huffington Post: You got a button?

FactCheck: These people have the attention span of fruit.

Olbermann: The President is talking about the economy, and how there is much work to be done. Oh, here comes the road and path metaphors. I never get tired of those, because when President Obama uses them, they become less like shopworn, hackneyed phrases, and more like pearls of wisdom dusted in the glitter Michelle uses to highlight her cheekbones. I am inspired enough to devote three or four days of programming to this.

HuffPo: Oh, oh, he's taking questions. Am I on the list? Do I get one?

FactCheck: No, he was not on the list.

Olbermann: I don't think I'm on the list. I missed the noon rehearsal, so I got pulled. Bill Burton is a taskmaster. I got assigned to "podium lifter" duty for a week.

HuffPo: That's why you need to get tight with Rahm and Gibbs. Arianna took care of me. You should meet her. Maybe she can help.

Olbermann: You think? She doesn't mind that I'm paid by a company that is going to accept gobs of stimulus money, and that I will be paid a bonus I have no intention of giving back or having taxed because I put it in an offshore account?

HuffPo: No, if you're part of the team, she'll be glad to help.

Olbermann: I'd really apprecaite the help. I'll be out in LA for my six-month check-up on my eyelash transplant ...

Okay, I think you get the drift. Notice how these people stopped paying attention before the questions started? This is exactly why we love, LOVE, these people. And why Ed Henry of CNN and Jake Tapper of ABC were most definitely not invited to the after-party.


  1. Mt. Rushmore is in South Dakota, actually..

    but again, Keiffy is from Cornell so it's all the same to him.

  2. Thank you, thank you, Mr. Teleprompter. *pause* I am so grateful for your perspective and indeed am sharing your insights with others. *pause* May your circuits be bright.


  3. You are obviously a compleat fucking idiot!

    Go fuck yourself, you right wing fascist ashole!

  4. Don't you love the insults where they can't even spell???

  5. @ Dave C

    I think that's what he meant by "won't even bother with Mr. Rushmore" ;-)

    @ Michael

    Of course. That's exactly what he is. I know you mean business by your use of curse words and insults.

  6. @ La Muse Poetique

    hence the caveat about Keiffy. :)

  7. Michael, or should I say, Mr. Huffington, glad you're reading my material. Give my best to the dolphins.

  8. OMG, you're on Neal Boortz NOW! Stand up straight!

  9. TOTUS,
    The Big Guy sure showed Ed Henry how informed he is with AIG. He waited because, "It took us a couple of days because I like to know what I'm talking about before I speak." Since he still doesn’t know what’s going on he just moves on to the next question. Priceless!

  10. Could you tell us TOTUS which of the interns polish your screen on a regular basis?

  11. TOTUS, aren't your feelings hurt that the Big Guy replaced you with a big giant screen?

  12. TOTUS, do you think you could sit down with POTUS and teach him to answer a direct question directly?

  13. This is the best blog in the world. Thank you Baracks teleprompter.

  14. Love it when liberals can't spell! Just spit it out like Barny Frank does!!

  15. Sorry I missed you last night but I was watching Lavern and Shirley reruns.

  16. TOTUS; Great job last night! I especially liked how twice during Big Guy's opening lies to the Nation, you made him studder. :-)

  17. You know you've made it when the whackjob lefties curse at you with misspelled words....keep it up, TOTUS!

  18. Michael- I fear you must be suffering terribly in that dark basement at your mom's house. Come on, take off the RCG's and just hear TOTUS. He speaks the truth.

    I know, it hurts, but in time, you might see the truth is the best way to set yourself free from the change, Um, chains of the COW that bind you.

  19. TOTUS, Michael is just the kind of “person” to hold up as a poster-boy for liberalism! Totally without class and dignity. Sorry, it comes with the territory. And for him to hate-on his own liberal leaders Communication CEO, well…says quite a lot. I’m sure I’ll hear from him soon. Respectfully, BOTUS

  20. TOTUS,

    I noticed that the CNN and ABC reporters strayed from the preapproved "What vegatables will Michelle be planting?" or "Mr. President, what is your favorite color?" questions. Has anyone seen them today?

  21. tisk, tisk michael, you should really learn to watch that language, maybe you should think about getting a teleprompter of your own ?

    It will help prevent those ugly, embarrassing moments that we see now. Learn to be a little more accepting of your fellow man, try a little humor, it might hurt a bit at first, but once your body gets use to it and the hate starts to subside, it will become easier and easier and you will feel better inside.

    Here are a couple I came up with that can maybe get you started:

    1.) "Hey TOTUS, looks like the Barry is speaking outside today, may want to bring along your anti-glare protective screen..."


    2.) "TOTUS, looking good last night ! Please tell us, is it rigorous exercise or strict diet. How do we, your humble followers of the world, look as trim and good as you do ?..."

  22. My lord . . I can't look away. This blog and it's comments are so fascinating. It's like staring at the unfunniest, racist car crash of all time.

  23. Rahmbo's idea to save homeless children prompts Blackberry's for everyone! See the text message that did it. BOTUS-out ObamasBlackBerry.blogspot

  24. Heard about you on Neal Boortz today while driving to work. Love what I've read so far!!! Looking forward to reading more as I am now a faithful follower