Saturday, April 11, 2009

Storytime With Uncle Joe

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I went down to the White House residence kitchen, and there was Joey B.  It's not clear why he was down there rummaging through the fridge, but we ended up sitting down with warm milk and cookies, and he told me about the last time, as majority leader of the U.S. Senate, that  he faced down a vicious crew of pirates.

He and his family had gone on a cruise and the pirates attacked the boat with small arms fire, antiquated rocket launchers, and knives.  They boarded, chased the women into the cabins, and locked most of the men in a storage room below deck. Joe described how he hid in dinghy up on deck and worked tirelessly to defeat them, taking them out one by one, and negogtiating with the leaders from a position of strength.

It was only after he talked about how he had to coax the key from a dog to open the cabin where the other men were locked away, that I realized he was talking about the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyworld.  This also explains why he kept telling Big Guy that rum was the key to our negotiations with the Somalis.


  1. I wish TOTUS would have H address the issue of his eligibility (or lack of) to be president. We all have to show our documentation just to board a plane. Why doesn't a guy who wants to be president have to make public his most basic piece of documentation - his actual birth certificate?
    {Obama Birthplace Poll}

  2. only a foreign born Islamic follower would state to the world that the US is not a Christian country

    he knows nothing of US history or the US Constiution or our Founders' declaration that the USA is a gift from God. not allah, God.

    And he doesn't care about it, either.

    Maybe Joey B can come up a with a parable to explain that to BO and the Missus.

  3. Piracy of the Somalian sort seems of less concern than the DVD variety to you guys .
    Your rumored Manchurian manufacturers ?
    They also bootleg DVDs you know .Coinkydink ?
    Proactive swashbuckling Bidian leadership actually sounds more attractive here than is
    allowed by current rules of non engagement.
    Even if it is of the imaginary sort.
    Of course since those movies came out pirates are more popular and dashing than Erroll
    Flynn, or Tyronne Power (to the people).
    Well those eyepatches and hooked hands may look dashing ladies ,but trust me on this
    assisting on the poop deck ,is not a duty
    one takes up lightly .
    One may wish to give serious thought to cozying up w these fellows as our Navy does.
    Those stern missives we wrote them still need to be translated ashore .
    Perhaps we can try missles next .
    How about 'wheeling' on down to the Oval to suggest them , eh TP ?

  4. Oh my goodness TOTUS, what are we going to do? Happy Easter from a bible toting, gun clinging female Conservative. Keep the faith! VN8

  5. I do so appreciate the daily updates!!

  6. TOTUS, thanks for a good laugh today. You have a wicked sense of humor.

  7. That sounds like "Don't Mess With Joe." Always a legend in his own mind.

  8. Neil Cavuto try to explain Regular Americans to a Democrat.

    This Video should go viral, really this is person towing the party
    line and is completely clueless to the sentiment in this country. I
    know people think this is a Republican or a Conservative movement,
    there are plenty of Americans that don’t fit into those categories that
    are joining tea parties. This Person in this video doesn't believe the MSM should cover Tea Partys April 15th, because we just are not worthy!

  9. TOTUS,
    If your image was to be placed on our currency in the not so distant furure... what denomination would you prefer?

  10. When in the heck was Biden the Senate Majority leader?

  11. Hey TOTUS is it true that your sister may take the job as Sarah Palin's teleprompter? I understand it is just a part-time job because Sarah often speaks from notes and not a teleprompter. Yesterday Sarah had a great half-hour presser without a teleprompter or notes. I'm beginning to think many have misjudged this AK beauty. Or is the weather just to cold for your sis up there in AK. Maybe Sarah could show her a few things about hunting and Todd could teach her about iron dog sledding.

  12. Hey TOTUS,
    Do you know anything about Barry receiving a scholarship at Occidental College as a foreign exchange student? I read this but can't find any information.

  13. If Joey B uses you while plagiarizing something, who gets in trouble - you or Joey B?

  14. TOTUS, I know you're only a unit and I suppose it is difficult to keep tabs on everyone running around the White House, but I would like your views (or spin) on Hillary The Hilarious and explain her laughing when asked about the pirates and the captain being held hostage. I KNOW there must have been something
    terribly funny in this reaction. I know you know.

  15. TOTUS, The NYT had an article about you except they gave credit to some imposter. I was outraged!
    The MSM shows bias even towards a teleprompter.
    I probably shouldn't have told you about this on a holiday weekend. Here's the link.

  16. TOTUS, I'm not so sure the rum is a bad idea. We all know how desperate pirates get when the rum is all gone, if you'll pardon the stereotype. Perhaps a fifth of Captain Morgan's dangled from the end of a stick might lure them out? Jimmy Buffet blared from the Battleship's loud speakers for a little ambiance? You know how BO enjoys spreading the love, think of the stimulation for Puerto Rico's rum industry. Oh, wait - he might decide they need bailed out, then want his picture on the bottle. I shouldn't like to have to change my adult beverage.

  17. TOTUS.... was Uncle Joe wearing silk pajamas, or was he wearing "Go Blue Hens" sweat ensemble....he is truly a man of the people....and we know that he went to "University".....

  18. TOTUS,
    Will we get a Pirate Speech?

  19. TOTUS:

    Rumors are swirling about, please clarify the following:

    Was it really Joey B. that defeated the British at the Battle of New Orleans during the War of 1812 ?

    Keep up the great work TOTUS !!!

  20. As I recall it was a dark and stormy night when Joe and I took on that deal at Disneyland. I recall we fought like hell over the last barrel of Rum. Geeze, what memories. I had almost forgotten about that Spring break. I do remember that we then went to that famous St. Louis Pizza joint down on main street. Tossin' Pi's and Rum, it just doesn't get much better than that right there.

  21. TOTUS,

    Scroll the following for the Big Guy:

    Have the Navy send a SEAL to drill or punch a hole in the bottom of the boat where the pirates are holding Captain Phillips. The boat will sink and they will have to take to the open water. Then we just pick them up.

    John's Space

  22. This is what I know.......on the 3rd day.... He rose. Thank God.....because by the look of things......Man just can't get the job done.

    Happy Easter.

  23. To Brooks:

    how about the Brazillion dollar bill?

  24. TOTUS, we need your take on more important stuff than these penny ante pirates. Tell us how you are handing the penetration of the electrical grid by the Chicoms and Ruskies

    I mean, these folks are terrorists going after your main cheese and no one seems to be very upset about it.

    They are threatening you TOTUS, all your buddies, Wheel of Fortune re-runs, my clock-radio, and by extension everyone in the free world.

    For God's sake TOTUS, we need you now more than ever!

  25. Hey Tele, just curious...

    Will you be traveling to Tempe with BG for the commencement speech?

    Also, will you be receiving an honorary degree from ASU, or at least a scholarship program in your name? After all, it is you who has the real long list of achievements.

    Let me know if you're in town, I'll be glad to clue you in on the best electronics stores in the area.

  26. Peace through STRENGTH!

  27. Hey TOTUS'

    How about a new name for Joey B.
    Commander McBragg.

    Just a thought

  28. Happy Easter TOTUS & All TOTUS Followers.

  29. How about Joe Blowhard - fitting, I think, for the Great Prevaricator? Or maybe he's just keeping his skills honed to keep up with BG?

  30. DEMS Gone WILD!

    "Shovel Ready" shirts, Mugs, Buttons, Magnets, Bumper Stickers!

  31. Thank you, TOTUS, for a daily dose of fun and adventure in the saga of the Obamanation.
    Happy Easter!

  32. TOTUS,
    Come clean. It was you that gave the go ahead for the Navy to shoot those scumbag pirates wasn't it?

  33. TOTUS,
    Rescue is fine...but I wanted a speech.

  34. 3 potentional votes lost in the next election for President of the World.

    I hope somebody is getting a go-ahead for damage control, at least waking up Keith and Chris.

    From what I hear, the pirates' legal representatives were not properly informed thru the official diplomatic channels, prior to the unfortunate incident, that their clients were in danger of being injured or worse.

    TOTUS, you need to include a moment of silence for the three (insert a good adjective here) Somali citizens when, if, Barry decides to speake on this.

  35. aoolda, I'm going to steal that line, OK?

  36. Steal-
    As in, hijack a ship and hold it for ransom?

    As in, Barry borrowing a line from Deval Patrick and claiming he didn't?

    ahh, no problem, go for it!

  37. TOTUS, i love you!!! and your smart & funny friends. you are an island of sanity!!

  38. I think Joe Biden might be one of the liberals involved in staging a series of 12 "LIVE RAID" concerts to benefit Somali pirates. They're set to begin July 13, 2009, and end July 13, 2010, the 25th anniversary of the first LIVE AID concert to benefit Ethiopian famine relief efforts.

  39. There is a lot of that going around aoolda .
    My own stuff got lifted here too .
    I come for the prompting tho , and was greatly relieved ,as was no doubt our gracious host ,to note a pronounced exuberance of punctuation in a certain recently posted comment .
    Congratulations TP ,you slipped the noose again.Glad to see my bottom line extras were useful to you and the er uh ,little appliance.
    Be a little more careful next time , eh ?
    BTW ,extortion and piracy aside ,Tyrrone Power (to the people) sure would make a good secret service nickname for you .Feel free to use it if it hasn't already been claimed .
    You don't even need to attribute it .
    No one else does that sort of thing these days ,even tho ,it is a form of piracy .
    Perhaps the vice plagirist could lead the team
    effort for these new unofficial guidelines ,
    (w sufficient stimulus). I can imagine the slogan....Readership , from the top down .

  40. Props Totus for your intellect and humor, have you ever considered writing for South Park? Would they accomodate for a tele-prompter though?

  41. I have read in somewhere that this blog owner would like to sell this blog. Let me ask you, how much and can u contact me?

  42. Here is my e mail address

  43. I heard President Grinning Ninny was going to trade Hillary the Hillarious for the merchant ship captain as a hostage, but when the pirates found out they threatened to not only kill the captain, but then do themselves in as well!

  44. For all who have been waiting for 'the speech' re the pirate attack (which has been quoted by Mark Steyn and Rush): statement-on-the-pirate-attack.aspx

    A worthy read, and the comments are on a level with TP's blog, if that is possible.

  45. Rhetoric wthdrawals...
    TOTUS, you have what I crave. Please I beg of you, give me a Pirate Speech.

  46. TOTUS-

    What's with telling the BG to say 'privacy' instead of 'piracy'? You trying to make him look as dumb as he, er, ah, hm, sounds?